Need Comments on Script

[Shaw]

Greetings everyone,

I've gotten permission from the scriptwriter I am working with to have the script reviewed by others. I need some people who are interested in providing feedback on a full length feature script. I think the premise is absolutely great. Love it. The script has it's problems though I would love to hear others opinions!

I can email a copy to anyone who is interested...

[bird]

Hey Shaw,

I'd love to read what you've got in store for us.

Email me at: delaney@pressenter.com

[whiterabbit]

i'm interested
chadhgtr@msn.com

[Shaw]

Thanks for offering guys! Anyone else interested?

[bird]

Hey Shaw,

Just read the script. I can tell your writer certainly knows his ordnance and much fight choreography. Is the Circle club a veiled Safari (hehe-just a joke). I am an action fan and I thought the work flowed nicely with just the right amount of breathing room. The characters are stock but work with the formula (the girl was a wee weak, treated more like a prop). Kirk is a very strong role with a nice balance of levity. I like the twist but the alternate ending seems like unnecessary exposition.

As for your concern with implementing the project-I know in another thread you were talking about optioning the work for a set amount of time. I'm not sure what your resources are for this project, so I really wouldn't know what time span to suggest, 6, 12, 2-year options. You have very elaborate FX , and more probably CGI (instead of location?) stuff going on. Maybe if you started to storyboard the script out, see what could be done digitally, what locations you have access to, you could start to whittle some of the projected costs down.

Wow, this is one big project and I, as well as the rest of the forum, wish you the best in seeing it to fruition

[bobothemovieguy]

I would love to help as well! Send a copy to bobothemovieguy@yahoo.com. My sister is an Author as well, and would love to help. Thanks!

[Shaw]

On it's way now bobothemovieguy!

The characters are stock but work with the formula (the girl was a wee weak, treated more like a prop). Kirk is a very strong role with a nice balance of levity. I like the twist but the alternate ending seems like unnecessary exposition.

Thanks for taking the time to read the script. That was fast! I like Kirk a lot as well. He seems to be the most "human" of the characters.

Could you comment more on the "stock"-ness of the characters? I'm sure the writer will ask when I inform him of others thoughts! I agree about the Angie. The role just seems a bit too forced to me.

At first the dialogue hit me as a bit stilted but I've grown to find it just fine due to the "high society" nature of many of the characters. These are extremely rich people after all!

Can you elaborate more about the ending? I just know the writer will ask!

Any suggestions on how to fix things up a bit?

[Will Vincent]

Hey Shaw, send 'er my way too.. will@intensitymedia.org

[Shaw]

On it's way

[FilmJumper]

Originally Posted by Shaw

Greetings everyone,

I've gotten permission from the scriptwriter I am working with to have the script reviewed by others. I need some people who are interested in providing feedback on a full length feature script. I think the premise is absolutely great. Love it. The script has it's problems though I would love to hear others opinions!

I can email a copy to anyone who is interested...

Shaw...

I do this for a living from time to time so I would be glad to give it a read through... Just send it to:

support@filmjumper.com

It will probably take me a couple of days at most to get to it...

filmy

[bird]

Hi Shaw,

Sorry if my comment seemed a little snarky! I didn't mean to imply that using stock characters was bad. To me, 'stock' simply means using characters one would expect to see in specific genres of film based on the history of that genre. If you really analyze it, most stock characters are rooted in 'archetypes'; Roman (the initiate), Kirk (whom I see as the classic 'hero with a thousand faces'-Campbell) with the duty of avenging his brothers death, Gates (all-knowing father figure), and Angie (muse), Ozbon/Dean (tricksters).

(if it had been me, I probably would have made Angie the initiate, al la 'Alien', but then, I am a female )

I only mentioned the 'alternate ending' because it was offered as an option. I think this section's dialogue was just a recap of the preceeding action, and just not needed. The first ending was far sharper and, definitely, more visually interesting.


You should have a production thread from the beginning to end on your project. I think an object lesson such as that would be invaluable to the members here.

[WeightOnWheels]

I'd love to read it too Shaw!
ElTopoBlanco@gmail.com

[Shaw]

On it's way!

You should have a production thread from the beginning to end on your project. I think an object lesson such as that would be invaluable to the members here

Yes that's a very interesting idea. I'll do that as soon as things are reach a point where there is some useful information

I'm not sure that this is going to go into production but I would like it to. That said the script still seems a little cliche. I can't quite place my finger on it.... anyway. I'll keep you guys updated!

[Shaw]

Anyone have comments?

[Will Vincent]

Sorry.. haven't read it yet. I just got a new monitor today, so now I can actually READ text on my screen.. will try to read it soon.