New Drama Short Screenplay!

[justinisfilming]

Anyone wanna take a stab at it? I'd really appreciate your guys' opinions! Thanks y'all!

*REQUEST IF YOU WANNA SEE*

[Conner Kent]

Ok first things first!!!!!!!! I dont know why i put all those exlamations........ and those periods.. haha ok NOW I must say the story is VERY touching and as I read it I thought of Nick Nolte playing the old man if you saw the film Warrior you can see why. But anyway I thought to myself some of the dialogue at brief moments of the script did not match what I percieved to be the character but then again the Actors will change it up how they want. MOST IMPORTANTLY I strongly suggest this part of advice here will make your story much stronger. If you want a dramatic effect right when the fog clears up in the bathroom and a (beat) after the son sees the lion show the flash back that will make the audience sad then right after the flashback show the oldman crying, wiping his tears then gets hit by the car thats like a heartnbreaker to the audience.. So I personally think you should change that to cause it will make more sense and you should not have it end with that radio because anyone could have got into an accident I think it should end right when the old man gets hit by the car leaving both of them sad and a mystery to the audience so after the film they are like awww man the son just had the flashback and feels bad but wait til he figures out his father die, and they will spend time thinking about how sad it will be when he figures it out. I know this is long but if you want feedback like you said this should strongly help and hopefully make your film more professional. Also I sooo want to take a shot at this! Haha but it's all yours and I wish you the best of luck bro. Take care

[Wolverine237]

Originally Posted by justinisfilming

Anyone wanna take a stab at it? I'd really appreciate your guys' opinions! Thanks y'all!

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-A...VZ5VmNPTGsxWFE

I would suggest only that the character of the son does not say "dad" or "father" in the dialog. Other than that your screenplay is a masterpiece. It's a good story and I enjoyed reading it.

[FantasySciFi]

I thought it was a bit predictable. For me, it would have been interesting to take a Calvin & Hobbes twist. The father reminisces about the boy and the lion. Flash to the son as he gets ready to go out and the lions gone. He gets into the car and sees the lion in the back seat. He stuffs it in the trunk and goes out and commits his crime. When the son goes inside his house the lion is sitting there staring at him when he opens the door. He takes it and throws it in the garbage can. He goes into the house to make dinner, hears a lion's roar and we flash outside and hear roaring and screams.

I think the dialogue drags a bit in the beginning. The father went there on a mission and it needs to be more direct. I might even have the father say something at the beginning to the lion like "Maybe you can talk some sense into him. He always listened to you." If I were making it, I'd also see about getting the rights to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

Overall, cool idea. I just think you could kick it up a notch by stepping outside of the expected and tightening the dialogue.

[justinisfilming]

Originally Posted by Conner Kent

Ok first things first!!!!!!!! I dont know why i put all those exlamations........ and those periods.. haha ok NOW I must say the story is VERY touching and as I read it I thought of Nick Nolte playing the old man if you saw the film Warrior you can see why. But anyway I thought to myself some of the dialogue at brief moments of the script did not match what I percieved to be the character but then again the Actors will change it up how they want. MOST IMPORTANTLY I strongly suggest this part of advice here will make your story much stronger. If you want a dramatic effect right when the fog clears up in the bathroom and a (beat) after the son sees the lion show the flash back that will make the audience sad then right after the flashback show the oldman crying, wiping his tears then gets hit by the car thats like a heartnbreaker to the audience.. So I personally think you should change that to cause it will make more sense and you should not have it end with that radio because anyone could have got into an accident I think it should end right when the old man gets hit by the car leaving both of them sad and a mystery to the audience so after the film they are like awww man the son just had the flashback and feels bad but wait til he figures out his father die, and they will spend time thinking about how sad it will be when he figures it out. I know this is long but if you want feedback like you said this should strongly help and hopefully make your film more professional. Also I sooo want to take a shot at this! Haha but it's all yours and I wish you the best of luck bro. Take care

Thanks for the detailed feedback man! I actually put the flashback there because you know how people say that before someone dies or before something horrible happens, they get a quick flash of their life? Well, that's what I did there. But to all we know, that flashback might not be of the father's. It might've been the son's as he looks at the stuffed lion.

Yeah, this is gonna be my project over the summer. Thanks again!

[justinisfilming]

Originally Posted by Wolverine237

I would suggest only that the character of the son does not say "dad" or "father" in the dialog. Other than that your screenplay is a masterpiece. It's a good story and I enjoyed reading it.

Thank you. And thanks for the kind words!

[justinisfilming]

Originally Posted by FantasySciFi

I thought it was a bit predictable. For me, it would have been interesting to take a Calvin & Hobbes twist. The father reminisces about the boy and the lion. Flash to the son as he gets ready to go out and the lions gone. He gets into the car and sees the lion in the back seat. He stuffs it in the trunk and goes out and commits his crime. When the son goes inside his house the lion is sitting there staring at him when he opens the door. He takes it and throws it in the garbage can. He goes into the house to make dinner, hears a lion's roar and we flash outside and hear roaring and screams.

I think the dialogue drags a bit in the beginning. The father went there on a mission and it needs to be more direct. I might even have the father say something at the beginning to the lion like "Maybe you can talk some sense into him. He always listened to you." If I were making it, I'd also see about getting the rights to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

Overall, cool idea. I just think you could kick it up a notch by stepping outside of the expected and tightening the dialogue.

So the stuffed lion is talking to him? Can you explain it a bit more?

[FantasySciFi]

Originally Posted by justinisfilming

So the stuffed lion is talking to him? Can you explain it a bit more?

No dialogue, it's pure mind games. It zips off into a more Twilight Zone scenario.

The father thinks the lion will help the son reconnect with his younger "better" self. The flashback can be the father's or son's; it's irrelevant. The action is when the 'innocent lion toy' seems to take on its own life. Not menacingly at first. The boy becomes very annoyed with it. Showing both a disdain for 'childhood' and family but also 'innocence'. It climaxes when he pitches it in the garbage. At that point, his 'imaginary friend' becomes a bit more real. We don't even have to see a real lion. As he's making dinner, he turns to see it setting on the floor looking up at him. Cut to the outside, hear the roars and screams and maybe a friend splatting blood up on the dining room window.

Now you could end it there. Or you can have him found dead with the stuffed lion on the couch. Or the father could return because he forgot his X, sees the stuffed lion on the couch and finds his son huddled in the kitchen with a bloody knife in his hand and stab wounds in his leg/"bad arm"/etc. either alive or dead. All sorts of endings to choose from. It depends on whether you want reconciliation, atonement, etc.

I do appreciate the drama of your original. Having seen various scripts, it seemed rather expected in my opinion. I'm suggesting that since he brings the stuffed lion that it be more key to the plot and its resolution.