So, I've been working on my application to London Film Academy and I need at least 20 pages of a full-length film screenplay, or a complete short film screenplay, as well as a visual representation of my work.
I have about ten pages of a screenplay complete, and I'm working on a storyboard for one of the scenes in the screenplay, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it correctly. If anyone wouldn't mind helping me out by giving honest critiques and telling me if I'm doing anything wrong, I would be greatly appreciative!
Of Bonds And Brotherhood
Written By: Kayla Keel-Wright
(Several men push Miloh out of a bar yelling insults. One says “Your kind aren't welcome here!” and they all step back inside complaining loudly about the boy's stench. Miloh has dark brown hair and his eyes are blurry – he's been drinking heavily.
Kali steps outside [balcony] Her hair is fine, straight and blonde. Camera switches between close-ups of the two quickly. Looks more and more chaotic as the scene progresses.)
Miloh: (about to cry) Your blood is all over my hands and there's a war weighing down my heart.
Kali: (sighs) The moon is so pretty tonight. (tosses her hair) It looks... Almost... Yellow. Maybe it's God telling us, “Good Job.”
Miloh: As the dirt has been segregated from the stars, the only family I ever knew was left behind, in a grave.
Kali: “We are no longer tainted,” God will tell us when we reach his pearly gates. We will be free of the scum on earth – those who rose up from Hell with dirt stained heads.
Miloh: These chains that hold me here keep me fighting. They are loose enough that I can almost grasp the key to freedom, but tight enough to burn my wrists and remind me of the pain of our pasts...
Kali: War is inevitable – it's our right of passage! Every sentient being will clamor for destruction. It is our nature, and God has made it so. Therefore we must kill...
Miloh: War has trampled over our crops, our women, our children... give me back my brother... Please, he's the only thing I have left!
Kali: Those who wallow in pity and refuse to fight for their honor had none in the first place. Those with dirty heads have probably wasted away in their intoxication by now. My father has done a good thing... (unsure, looking down at Miloh) … Right?
Miloh: Momma died seven years ago – Dad left our family to fight before that, and he never came home... Brady... Please...
Kali: Daddy said they were barbarians... (steps back, watching Miloh intently)
Miloh: Take my arms, my legs! My friends and neighbors... Take my heart! Whatever you want, just, give him back! You TOEHEADED IDIOTS!
Kali: This... This is too much.... (crying)
Miloh: (sobbing) You're monsters! You took the only thing that mattered! … I'm sorry, brother...
Kali: No... It's our... It's my fault... That beautiful sorrow... It's all my fault... I have... I have to go! (quickly exits)
Miloh: Forgive me... (cries for a moment, looking up sharply when he feels a hand on his shoulder) Wha – (smiles sadly, reaching out) Brady....
(Brady smiles back and turns away. Fade to black as we hear Miloh's mournful cry)
(View of feet running)
Community Control: Hey! How'd you get in here? Back where you came from, filth!
(Black, then a slideshow of drawings and photos illustrating Miloh's monologue.)
Miloh: History tells us, nearly two-hundred years ago, a saint by the name of Adolf Hitler began to cleanse the world in what became known as, The Purity Act. He started by ridding the world of all Jewish-folk – but after he passed on, extremists got out of control. The only ones who survived were those with pretty, silky, beautiful blonde hair. Only recently have people with “dirty hair” been passed through mothers' wombs. It's an “epidemic”, they say. We have risen from Hell. It's a miracle that we're even still alive, though. When a blonde mother gives birth to a dirty child, it is cast out on the streets from day one. We, in the ghetto, take in as many orphans as possible – but we cannot afford to feed every hungry dirty child. However, when a dirty mother gives birth to a pure child, it is ripped from her arms and given to a “proper” family. The mother is then, often-times, shot by Community-Control for touching the child inappropriately. This is accepted as commonplace. It is what we have all learned since childhood. Our pledge to the Golden goes as follows:
(Fade in to scene – Fawns are saluting a Golden passerby)
All Fawns: “We are Dirty. We are not Worthy.”
(When the Golden are out of earshot, the Fawns relax and begin to laugh heartily.)
Joseph : Not worthy my ass, Miloh! When do we get to kick their shit to hell and back?!
Miloh: I was just promoted a few days ago. Give me time to come up with a strategy.
Joseph: Yeah, but Brady must have –
Eliza: Joseph! Stop being a jerk!
Joseph: Oh!... Sorry Miloh.
(Miloh nods in acknowledgment to Joseph's apology and stands atop a box. The scene is a back ally with multiple tents set up to make a sort of outdoor market feel. Despite obvious signs of poverty, the people here are happy.)
Miloh: (announcing) Everyone knows where we meet. The Fawns will be discussing their options due to recent events. We begin at 9.
(Many cheers are to be heard, however, Miloh quietly escapes through a door of a run down building.)
Miloh: I'm not cut out for this. I'm a doctor, not a soldier. (puts his head in his hands)
Brady: You're doing well, little brother.
Miloh: (jolting up) Brady?!
Brady: They have faith in you.
Miloh: (relaxing) But... I don't have faith in myself. I don't want to fight them.
Brady: Then heal them.
(Miloh opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off by the bell of the shop ringing as Joseph and Eliza enter.)
Joseph: Hey, who were you talking to?
Miloh: (noticing Brady isn't in the room) Oh, no one.
Eliza: Bet you're practicing for tonight, huh?
Miloh: Something like that.
Eliza: Well... Joseph has something he needs to say.
Joseph: (sarcastically) Thanks, Eliza.
(The two glare at each other for a moment before Miloh coughs and looks expectantly.)
Joseph: Uh, yeah. Look, Miloh... I know that you're grieving, and this whole thing has definitely been harder for you than anyone else, since Brady was blood family to you. I just wanted you to know, me and Collin didn't pick you because you were Brady's brother. (Pause) We chose you because, as a doctor, you see our pain as a symptom of a bigger problem. We think you can find the cure – and as Brady's brother, we know you could –
(commotion outside, hear fragments of yelling and crashing: She's Golden! Get her out of here! We'll be shot!)
Miloh: (Dashing out the door) Hold that thought!
Eliza: Wait! Miloh!
(Outside, there's a blonde girl who we recognize as Kali and a brown wig on the ground, as well as shattered dishes around a tent one of the Fawns is living in. Collin is using crutches and is wearing bandages showing signs of a recent injury.)
Kali: It's... you.
Miloh: What's going on here?
Collin: We caught sight of the blonde in it's hair – thought one of the revolutionaries hadn't washed out the dye well enough. Tried to point it out, but it freaked and ran off.
Collin: The daughter of the Military General, Kali Abner.
(A visible change is seen in Miloh's demeanor – fade to FLASHBACK)
Collin: Get out of here, Miloh! GO!
Miloh: What? Why?
Collin: Community Control found out what you're doing – You'll be the death of us. Just LEAVE!
Brady: Calm down, Collin –
Collin: How can I when THIS BRAT is so selfish that he'd –
Brady: I KNOW you're not talking about my little brother –
Collin: You know I am.
Community Control: This is it! Hurry!
Collin: (pushing Miloh) Shit, shit, SHIT!
Miloh: Brady, what do I do?
Brady: Stay quiet. It will be okay.
(Abrupt light change)
General: (barging in) Where is it? Where's the filthy rat pretending to be a doctor?
Miloh: You broke my door, General.
General: What was that?
Brady: He said, you broke our door – and I'd appreciate it if you left so I can repair it.
General: Shut him up, men!
Miloh: (Collin holding him back) BRADY!
General: Is this the imposter?
Brady: Miloh, hush. I'm the doctor, sir. Leave him out of it.
General: (correcting him) Imposter... Doctors are not risen from Hell.
Miloh: (crying) They'll kill you, just tell them the truth–
(Collin covers Miloh's mouth cutting him off, but pulling it away when his hand is bitten.)
Collin: You're not helping Miloh, just let him go!
General: Ha! See the filth? Bellowing like an animal and restraining it's own with brute force – this is why there are laws against their existence.
Collin: (Throwing Miloh out of his arms) Listen up, bastard – YOU HAVE NO RIGHT –
(Community Control fires a shot at Collin – he falls. Brady looks away, pained)
Brady: (Snapping) Miloh! Just STOP. I'll get us out of this.
General: You think you will – do you? You've committed a crime, dirt! Do you understand?
Brady: (In a low voice) Please, he's my little brother. Wait until we're out of the district.
General: I don't think you're in a position to be asking for favors.
(General fires shot. Brady falls.)
(Fade back to CURRENT – Miloh slams Kali into a wall)
And here are some pictures I've drawn for the storyboard of the flashback.