Need help with my first script

[Synia]

Hello all, I was wondering if you could take a look at the first screenplay i have ever written.

It is script a short film ( maybe 10 minutes long) and I have been working on it for a few weeks now. Finally, i have decided that it is time for people other than myself to help tear it apart (not literally).

and so here it is:

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0Bz7...VmZjQ5MDNmODY5

I personally believe it is an idea full of potential, but as it currently stands it has plenty of room for improvements. So please be brutally honest with me about any flaws, be it technical, or artistic related.

Any comments, or suggestions are welcome.

EDIT: Oh, and I'm also having trouble coming up with a good name for it. So ideas on that would be welcome too.

[rayw]

It's a fair enough story.
A little slow and sophomoric, but it'll be fine for practice making a short, especially if you have the four main actors ready to go.
Should be fairly economical, too.

Page 6 has no clear "where they drifted apart" suggestion.
One scene they're walking down the street A-OK.
The next shot there's something clearly wrong.
WTH happened? They just grow apart 10yrs ago in a single season for no real reason?
Otherwise, it's all fine.


Format-wise you'll benefit from referencing:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/P...rmatting-Guide

However, if you're directing and shooting this yourself spec screenplay format doesn't even really matter, but it doesn't hurt to learn a bit at a time.

GL!

[Synia]

Hello, thanks for the feedback

But what is "sophormorphic" and "A-OK" ? =S

And i was hoping for the seasons to be a more metaphorical thing. With spring being the beginning, summer being the passion, autumn being when the feelings just fade away, and winter being when it ends. Do you think it didnt quite come through well enough? And how should i improve on that?

And yes, i plan on directing it as a practice short myself, but i still wants to get it as good as possible.

[Synia]

And should i add a scene or two to elaborate on how they drifted apart? But i'm worried if it would make the film drag on for too long.

[JayeGolightly]

Hello Synia,

Perhaps the first thing that I would recommend is getting a copy of the Scriptwriter's Bible by Dave Trottier. It was a BIG help to me in teaching me structure for my first script. One of the biggest things that I learned in scriptwriting is that you do not necessary use complete sentences oddly enough, but you use descriptive words that create an image of what you want us to see. For example, you should eliminate "The film opens inside a small house," and just describe as best you can what you want us to see.

Another thing is this:

INT. LIVING ROOM. AFTERNOON, PRESENT

Should read:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

You could probably describe the time of day somewhere in the script.

What she is reading looks to be an old journal written in
longhand. Small inserts and tabs sticks out the side, while
some of the pages appears to be falling out.

As we see the words on the journal, a man's voice begins
narrating.

Try this:
YOUNG LADY reads journal old worn journal, tabbed, with pages falling out...

(No need to ever say "we see" or something that tells us what they are doing. Just show us what they are doing and eliminate phrases like these). But you'll learn stuff like this in Dave Trottier's book, which I am referring to as I finish my feature film.

Happy Film Writing!