Daft of my first short - IndieTalk

dlevanchuk · 07-19-2011, 07:43 PM

So here is a short story I wrote this morning..

I'm planning to shoot it for film festivals..

What do you guys think?

Here is the link

UPDATE: New BETTER title

Beatlesfan1225 · 07-19-2011, 07:52 PM

Ok first of all I loved the script, and I'd love to see it made. Especially the ending, caught me off guard and I loved it. I'd def change the title though. "It came from the Land that Time Forgot" had me thinking of some dinosaur or creature movie, not a romantic drama.

Murdock · 07-19-2011, 07:52 PM

How do you read a Daft??

dlevanchuk · 07-19-2011, 08:14 PM

Beatlesfan1225 - thank you very much for reading it!
my girlfriend talked me shooting this short, so I have no other choice

I agree on the title. I just googled some stupid b-movie titles. I'll have to think something catchy!

Murdock - oops.. my bad.. wish i could change that..

Murdock · 07-19-2011, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dlevanchuk

Beatlesfan1225 - thank you very much for reading it!
my girlfriend talked me shooting this short, so I have no other choice

I agree on the title. I just googled some stupid b-movie titles. I'll have to think something catchy!

Murdock - oops.. my bad.. wish i could change that..

I've done the same thing.

FantasySciFi · 07-19-2011, 09:19 PM

I love the story. You did a great job. There were a couple problems with your script formatting.

V.O. is for a voice that is unattached to an actor. In the initial scene, the ideas is that the woman and his friend are off screen (O.S.). Narration or mental thought are examples of voice over (V.O.). When someone is under the table or behind a door or not visible but present, you'd use Off Camera (O.C.). Nowadays, O.S. and O.C. are used interchangeably. It's a small issue but one that is significant if you do other scripts to know the difference between V.O. and O.S./O.C.

You also use "Girl 1" but really she's the only girl. In this case, it won't hurt to use her name, "Mary". If you were writing a mystery and had a compelling reason to not tell her name, you could conceal it. This is one instance where it's okay to tell the reader something that may not be immediately known by the audience. If you want to keep it a secret, that's fine. I would simply say "GIRL" though. Later, when you first introduce her character, make a note in the character "GIRL (MARY)" then continue as MARY.

Neither of these are major issues for this script. I mention them for future writing. The story is very well written. Great job!

dlevanchuk · 07-19-2011, 09:23 PM

FantasySciFi - Thank you for noting these problems!
I'm changing it right now.

campbmic · 07-19-2011, 10:10 PM

I REALLY liked it a lot. I enjoyed it so much I sent it to one of my friends! Agreed the title is the only bad part. You need to come up with a title that makes sense only after reading the end. It would tie everything together nicely! If I come up with anything Ill let you know.