Script Revisions - Please Advise

[Uranium City]

A while ago I posted a tiny short and got some great feedback. Here is a rewrite I'm hoping you'll consider, and let me know what you think. The general gist is "You Can't Go Home Again" but further than that, "You Shouldn't Want To."

On The Open Road:

On The Open Road.pdf

[CamVader]

I really like how you established the character's relationship deeper than the first draft. Moving things forward with conflict, love it!

[Uranium City]

Thanks, Cam. I think I've found a way to make their relationship more clear and drive the story home at the same time.

[Flicker Pictures]

Definitely dig the edits and fixes, UC. The radio bit was very fun. And Larry running away like a bad dog is good stuff.

[Uranium City]

Thanks, Flicker. Camvader came up with the radio knob bit.

[FantasySciFi]

Each vignette is well written. You don't need the double transitions in the script. Just place
"SLOW FADE THROUGH BLACK TO:" Ideally in a spec script, the writer refrains from putting in transitions.

The Larry's character is much more vivid to me than is James. Outside of the dialogue, James could be a stranger. I'd like to know more about James. At the moment he simply responds and has become an
expository device.

These sequences are very dialogue heavy. It would be better to break it up with some action.

You miss some golden opportunities to show us the other side of James. When Larry is on the fence, he can jump over. James, looks about, and follows after him. While Larry waxes about his 3rd place, you could have James go over to football dummy rack and run his hand over it, reminisce about his run for the state championship. They didn't make it and how it disappointed grandpa, dad, or whomever.

Larry comes across as mentally challenged. Is from an injury? Was he born that way? Have James start to address his feelings towards his brother.

You have some great sequences, but there is no glue to make a story. An arc would be James resents his brother who is happily mentally a child and he comes to express his anger and eventual acceptance as he contemplates the loss of his grandpa. Similarly, we can see Larry change from being the "weak one" to the one who gives strength to his brother. I'd personally let them find the ashtray and they take it back as a "trophy" at the end.

It probably takes this further than you wanted, but it creates an impactful emotional journey that tells a story. You came up with a great idea and I think it's worth giving the best effort.

Another point, not to be critical, is that the formatting of the paragraphs is a bit too dense. It should be openned up with a bit more white space.

James sighs and pulls the car over. Larry exits the car and
walks a good distance away from it and takes a piss.
Suddenly he realizes he is very close to a familiar place.

would better be:

James sighs and pulls the car over. 

Larry exits the car, walks a good distance away from it and 
takes a piss.

Larry looks up.  His eyes widen, a huge smile spreads
across his face.  He breathes in his surroundings.

"Suddenly he realizes he is very close to a familiar place." How do I know this as a viewer? How does an actor portray this? Now, the actor will likely not follow what I've written, but it gives them a sense. This is a place I remember and I enjoyed.

I think that the script shows major improvement. I would give a bit more equal voicing to James and make him less a sounding board and more a participant. And I'd really build the character arc as that is the central piece to your story.

[Uranium City]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, FSF, and for the excellent advice and pointers. I figured I was formatting that fade through black wrong. Good to know that about spec scripts, too.

[Theodebernacius]

Although the characters are better fleshed out than in the 1st draft, it still feels incomplete to me. The memories, actions seem pretty random.

I'm always expecting conflict and resolution from a narrative. Maybe that's asking too much from a short script. Maybe a slice of life could be good enough.

[Uranium City]

I'm always expecting conflict and resolution from a narrative. Maybe that's asking too much from a short script. Maybe a slice of life could be good enough.

No, it's not too much to ask. Slice of life is never what I'm ever after. I need to firm up my narrative.

[Uranium City]

I think James is the protagonist with the strongest plan of following his father's orders to retrieve the smoking stand. Larry is the antagonist, who gets in the way of James's plan by delaying and obfuscating and following his own distractions. The resolution is the knowledge that not only is the smoking stand long gone, but the house and the childhood and the simple way of considering their family. It's not a happy resolution, nor is their journey complete, but I do think they change from beginning to end. Any ideas on how to deliver this more strongly?

[CamVader]

Larry needs to appreciate James and James needs to admit his need for Larry's approval. It's all about the people. It begs for deeper resolution, IMO.

[FantasySciFi]

Originally Posted by Uranium City

I think James is the protagonist with the strongest plan of following his father's orders to retrieve the smoking stand. Larry is the antagonist, who gets in the way of James's plan by delaying and obfuscating and following his own distractions. The resolution is the knowledge that not only is the smoking stand long gone, but the house and the childhood and the simple way of considering their family. It's not a happy resolution, nor is their journey complete, but I do think they change from beginning to end. Any ideas on how to deliver this more strongly?

There are lots of ways to proceed, but this is, in the end, YOUR story. So following your description, certain questions arise in my mind:

1. His father knows the house is burned down (though the viewer doesn't know that immediately). Why send these two brothers on this quest knowing that grandpa is on death's door?

2. Larry is not the 'classic' antagonist, IMO. He is the pivot of the story that teaches the life lesson. If I had to make a guess, the antagonist is the 'dying grandfather' whom we never see. The purpose of the film is to bring that out. Much as in Amadeus, we learn about Mozart by his impact on Salieri by flashbacks. Who is the grandfather that he can motivate this roadtrip for a possibly non-existent smoking stand?

3. What happened to to them that led to such different development--Larry backwards and childlike, James bitter and sophisticated? Unravelling that is the key to the family part of your story.

4. We know nothing of the family in this script. What I "saw" was a child-like Larry being put down by his younger brother James repeatedly without explanation. So a big responsibility, is to show me what this family was like. Just as important the missing characters--mother and grandmother. Where are they?

5. There are two storylines in every movie--the subjective (what the audience feels) and the objective (what the audience sees). You don't need to resolve the objective. But you MUST resolve the subjective or you leave the audience unfulfilled. So you need to identify what the emotions are that drive the passion, desire, and conflict for the character. Develop your arc and means they go from one end to the other ... typically. What drives James? Larry? (It's not about the smoking stand!)

6. What is the consequence of not returning with the smoking stand? Here, the father has set up the quest. Will this just be another of James' failures? In some ways, this is a "search for the holy grail", a quest to heal the Fisher King. In that sense, James is the questing knight and Larry his comedic, dimwitted page.

7. What is the significance of the smoking stand? Again, this is kind of a "holy grail" or "McGuffin" if you prefer. Whether they find it or not, its value is central to the character. It might be the ONLY way for James to prove himself to his father and grandfather so he sacrifices everything.

8. The burned down house is so strongly symbolic of the broken communications. That is worth exploring. What is this family about? The viewer is left to wonder if the grandfather accidentally burned down the house by knocking over the smoking stand. And by analogy, did he destroy the family by pitting brother against brother, father against son.

More than anything, these brothers need to come together. They need to see each other through a shared pain. I have my ideas about how to do this, but I really want this to remain your story.

What I love about it, even if it was totally unconscious as you wrote, is that the script is richly symbolic. James needs to go into himself, confront the source of that bitterness, and come out accepting. Larry starts as weak minded. However, he has survived and some of that insight can help James. James finds Larry is stronger than he believed.

For this script to work, EVERYTHING hinges on resolving their relationships, IMHO.

[CamVader]

Oh, God! What a few people read into a few pages of script. I'm throwing the towel in with this bunch. Jeebus!

[FantasySciFi]

Originally Posted by CamVader

Oh, God! What a few people read into a few pages of script. I'm throwing the towel in with this bunch. Jeebus!

I may have deserved that. I think we're both in agreement what is needed to make it satisfying. My read is a "diamond in the rough". I see that rarely.

Originally Posted by CamVader

Larry needs to appreciate James and James needs to admit his need for Larry's approval. It's all about the people. It begs for deeper resolution, IMO.

Originally Posted by FantasySciFi

.... More than anything, these brothers need to come together. They need to see each other through a shared pain. ... James needs to go into himself, confront the source of that bitterness, and come out accepting. Larry starts as weak minded. However, he has survived and some of that insight can help James. James finds Larry is stronger than he believed.

For this script to work, EVERYTHING hinges on resolving their relationships, IMHO.

There is no one right way. Ignore what seems like "fluffy bunny" language, and focus on the questions. 'Deeper resolution' requires answering deeper questions. There IS a lot packed into those few pages. It will require some unpacking. I don't assume that it's obvious what questions to ask. But to glue the vignettes together and arrive at the ending, the emotional conflicts need to be made visible. And intentionally or not, you created beautiful symbols.

Their "shared pain" is what (or who) sent them on the mission, the 'driving' conflict (pun intended). There can't be 'approval' until James stops 'smashing Larry's planes'. If Larry is such an annoyance, why even take him along? (rhetorical) Because without him, there are no scenes.

UC, you have a great concept. Take time to think through the characterizations. I believe it could be a short with great potential at festivals.

[CamVader]

My apologies after rereading everything. The problem is mine not yours, FantasySciFi.

I think I'll be taking a break for a while.