Organ Lottery - First Draft.

Papertwinproductions · Jan 22, 2011

Very first draft of the concept started in "The Community thread", for an Indietalk assignment. Entirely open to suggestion. It has a long way to go.

Organ Lottery.

Title: "31"
Pages: 5

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...JjODItNzkxNjM1OWY5NTll&hl=en&authkey=CIby7_wK

Note: Dismiss the lack of an establishing shot. I've been playing with the idea of changing the country, so the style of the houses/scenery is up in the air.

jrsmithson · Jan 22, 2011

I was confused by this.

There was no indication that any of the characters needed to have their lives saved, or which one it would be if one did, and even if they did, there's no indication about whether any of them won the lottery. But I like ambiguous endings.

MOTHER
Downstairs, watching TV. I’m
gonna--

FATHER
I just want to clean up--

MOTHER
That’s fine, there’s clean towels--

I like the built-in interruptions and trailing offs in the dialogue. Overall interesting premise, I like all of the moody shots, the details really bring it alive.

Papertwinproductions · Jan 22, 2011

Thanks for reading, Sir, and for the kind words.

I wanted it to be open, so much so, that it would require a double-take to realize the layers, and branches of the story.

I'm unwise in the use of Spoiler tags, so i'll explain more once others have read.

Thanks again.

jrsmithson · Jan 22, 2011

The spoiler tag is right before the real player/you tube/quicktime icons. It has a film reel with an S on it. just type the spoiler between those tags.

VPTurner · Jan 22, 2011

Interesting. But, damn, is the collective unconscious a bitch. Plays into what I was envisioning. Except in your segment, the characters are a lot more placid.

And I suspect the daughter is the intended recipient despite the misdirection with Dad's burn mark.

And this brings up a good question. How many minutes of screen time are we allotting each unit?

Papertwinproductions · Jan 22, 2011

jrsmithson said:
The spoiler tag is right before the real player/you tube/quicktime icons. It has a film reel with an S on it. just type the spoiler between those tags.

Excellent! :blush:

I decided straight away that I would not make it crystal, not necessarily for there to be a reveal, more so that we've arrived at the climax of a huge wait, for the draw to finally arrive, i found it hard to believe that any one person would be attended to. I found that delving into each member of the family, into the moments where the thoughts would be most most vivid, where we would see the clearest picture of how tormenting such a situation would be, I'd imagine is as close to the truth as I could get.

I tried to infuse subtly, numbers, the mention of, to try and manipulate their importance, even though they're merely representative.

Whether any of the above came across from a First-draft, i'd be very surprised.

Papertwinproductions · Jan 22, 2011

VPTurner said:
Interesting. But, damn, is the collective unconscious a bitch. Plays into what I was envisioning. Except in your segment, the characters are a lot more placid.

And I suspect the daughter is the intended recipient despite the misdirection with Dad's burn mark.

And this brings up an good question. How many minutes of screen time are we allotting each unit?

Thanks for reading, VP!

The penultimate scene, is the clarity, is -even though i never intended for there to be one- the somewhat "Reveal". Correctemundo.

Placid was exactly what i was going for.

Time wise, i have no idea if there is a limit. Something that should, and most likely will, be considered.

NickClapper · Jan 22, 2011

I enjoyed it. It was very evocative and I liked the closeted, inhibited emotion of the characters/the ambiguity of who was really sick...

I've been tinkering with my first draft as well, so I'll post that up. I'm wondering whether you want me (and this isn't essential in these early drafts) to try and link up with your broadcasts? If my character is watching TV at the end, should he be watching Ruben Hummings (or wassever the name was precisely)?

Papertwinproductions · Jan 22, 2011

NickClapper said:
I enjoyed it. It was very evocative and I liked the closeted, inhibited emotion of the characters/the ambiguity of who was really sick...

I've been tinkering with my first draft as well, so I'll post that up. I'm wondering whether you want me (and this isn't essential in these early drafts) to try and link up with your broadcasts? If my character is watching TV at the end, should he be watching Ruben Hummings (or wassever the name was precisely)?

The TV broadcast, was written in merely for the balance, whether it's the one we decide to use is very much up for discussion. For now, if you want to use Ruben as your broadcaster, that's perfectly fine, aslong as we make it clear that it can be changed for whomever it is taking on the task.

Thanks for reading, Nick.

It was a beautiful foggy day today, too. Damn shame i didn't have the equipment here.

NickClapper · Jan 22, 2011

Ok. Well, like a thief in the night, I have stolen that character and used your outline for how the nights TV broadcast should proceed.

I had the start bits ready and wasn't sure how to proceed with the night, but I've done it now. I want to thank/congratulate you for breaking the ice and teaching us all how to proceed

I will try and post mine this evening, once I've checked the formatting (which I hate).

Papertwinproductions · Jan 22, 2011

NickClapper said:
Ok. Well, like a thief in the night, I have stolen that character and used your outline for how the nights TV broadcast should proceed.

I had the start bits ready and wasn't sure how to proceed with the night, but I've done it now. I want to thank/congratulate you for breaking the ice and teaching us all how to proceed

I will try and post mine this evening, once I've checked the formatting (which I hate).

Not a problem, Nick. Looking forward to seeing your piece come together.

P.S Sorry about the Hammers today, sending off was such a farse.

NickClapper · Jan 22, 2011

Papertwinproductions said:
Not a problem, Nick. Looking forward to seeing your piece come together.

P.S Sorry about the Hammers today, sending off was such a farse.

I'm going to pop it up in a second (or two).

P.S. I'm a great one for siding with the referee on decisions (mainly because I can't abide irrational fans) but I cannot understand this rule and why common sense never seems to be applied :no:

But we showed heart and that's been one of our biggest problems this season. Great result for you chaps as well, especially on the road :cool:

Thanks for beating Wolves... :bow:

Papertwinproductions · Jan 22, 2011

NickClapper said:
I'm going to pop it up in a second (or two).

P.S. I'm a great one for siding with the referee on decisions (mainly because I can't abide irrational fans) but I cannot understand this rule and why common sense never seems to be applied But we showed heart and that's been one of our biggest problems this season. Great result for you chaps as well, especially on the road Thanks for beating Wolves...

Excellent.

P.S (I'm unable to hijack my own thread, but the P.S seems appropriate)

MOTD will be interesting tonight, apparantly you dominated for a good seventy minutes. The rule is the wildest precaution I've ever heard of, it's based on "What if's", and clearly understates their own security at the gatest. Liverpool where just fantastic today, couldn't be prouder. Two home games against Fulham and Stoke, Gerrard back. Torres on form. It's asking for six points. Fingers crossed.

FantasySciFi · Jan 23, 2011

Script Comments

This is a good first draft. The scenes and actions are striking, and you set up the audience's expectations. After reading the script twice through, it seems to have lots of assumed material. I have the advantage of reading your comments and that of other reviewers, but the audience will not. So strictly from their view, here is what was unclear.

The only mention of 31 is in the title. The only other mention of a number is 42 by the mom. The only one with a problem is the father. So they got the number 42 for the father. For the audience, that's it. Then at the very end, neither 31 nor 42 is listed. We are left scratching our heads.

We don't really bond with any of the characters. The mother is neurotic. The father seems like a thick individual, beaten down by the system but otherwise 'stock character'. The daughter seems like a 9 y.o. 'television zombie'.

The boat segment was totally disjoint from everything. What was the purpose? Personally, I would lose it. Having re-read it, I just don't get it.

It's a lottery, they are expected to lose. So the story line needs to create real and apparent needs that are violently crashed when they lose, or they win but with a huge sacrifice needed. Assuming you follow a standard storyline, some how 'karma' needs to be involved.

I would build up the roles and be more direct. Have the father take the groceries to the car. He stops, reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a worn envelope. He looks at it and sees his number--31. Have the mother talking on the phone. Have her hang up then go into a closet and pull out an envelope that has a number, 26, from a cookie jar. When the husband arrives, they sit beside their daughter and take an envelope of the coffee table and pull it open with the number 42. Have dialogue between mom and dad how their daughter's brain tumor is growing. Have the mother hacking more from her own lung cancer. Build it up a bit, then let them all down.

Create context, build tension, and then have karma play out.

Papertwinproductions · Jan 23, 2011

Thanks for reading, Fantasy. Some great comments.

Firstly, the Boat segment, was the initiation for the viewer to realise who it is that the number "31", relates to. It was purposely disjointed, and cryptic, perhaps it's a question of differing styles. But the purpose was to be -as mentioned by VP- placid, to have a subtle approach, in hope that the muted tension would be enough. But perhaps, after reviewing i'll come to the same conclusion, excellent point, especially from a viewer perspective.

Now, I'm glad that you brought to question the characters. But although you've percieved them somewhat correctly, what you've misunderstood is the circumstance, and in doing so, the characters will appear flat in a stale ambience, instead of at the pinnacle of their tether with what is a tragedy drawn out over an unimaginable waiting period. So many emotive reponses i could have played into them, but after so long, and in the prospect of what it is they where facing, i thought anything else but holding their breath, almost afraid to speak, would be an incorrect portrait of how it is they'd act on that final day.

I've many drafts to go, and alot to think about. Thanks to everybody who read!

FantasySciFi · Jan 23, 2011

Papertwinproductions said:
Firstly, the Boat segment, was the initiation for the viewer to realise who it is that the number "31", relates to. It was purposely disjointed, and cryptic, perhaps it's a question of differing styles. But the purpose was to be -as mentioned by VP- placid, to have a subtle approach, in hope that the muted tension would be enough. But perhaps, after reviewing i'll come to the same conclusion, excellent point, especially from a viewer perspective.

You're right. It may be styles. I didn't see it as placid, rather she 'plugged in' to 'tune out' her parents. It wasn't clear to me why she would even need a lottery entry. As a viewer, I never would have paired her with 31. 42 maybe, since it was mentioned. I'm old-school, but the audience isn't always as clever as we would wish they were.

Papertwinproductions said:
Now, I'm glad that you brought to question the characters. But although you've percieved them somewhat correctly, what you've misunderstood is the circumstance, and in doing so, the characters will appear flat in a stale ambience, ....

You're right. NickClapper pointed out that I misunderstood the exercise. In that light, most of the scripts I reviewed are snippets and not stories in themselves. Hopefully some of it is useful for your rewrites. :cool: