Basic - Premiere Expired
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
So the couple is talking about time travel in movies and back to the future, and then the guy starts to make fun of the name Biff, and the waiter's name turns out to be Biff, and he gets offended and reveals that he has a watch that can control time, like in that crappy movie about the watch which could control time.
And then Jean Claude Van Damme from Timecop comes out from under the table with a flying butterfly kick and shoots them both dead. And then he starts swinging around a disco ball like a ball-and-chain and fighting Biff, the waiter, who's using a catering tray as a shield and forks as throwing knives. Van Damme takes a fork to the knee, but manages to decapitate Biff with his groovy weapon.
Then, suddenly, time freezes and Q from Star Trek comes in and tells Van Damme that Biff was actually his great grandfather, and then only way to restore the time paradox would be for Van Damme to have sex with his own great grandmother.
Then Doc and Marty burst into the restaurant in the Delorian and get out. Doc's screaming something about needing some filet mignon to repair the flux capacitor, and Marty just starts shaking and cursing something about Rush Limbagh. Then Van Damme gets pissed off and rolls away in the delorian. While driving, he notices a naked Bruce Willis sprawled in the backseat. "You're here too?" Van Damme asks. But Bruce just smiles.
Then suddenly a time portal opens up in front of them and the Delorian crashes into the bridge of the Starship Enterprise and kills a young Captain Kirk. Spock bitch slaps Van Damme, Ohura runs off with naked-Willis, and then the enterprise morphs into a tea kettle that's pouring hot water into the mug of no other than Sir Winston Churchill, who upon sipping his water, spits it out and cries "Urine"!
Ok, now realistically...
girl: "Everybody knows about the paradox where you go back in time and kill your father, causing you to never be born, meaning you could have never gone back in the first place."
guy: "Well maybe someone else becomes your father, and when you go back to the future, your life has changed, and no one recognizes you, and you even have different genes... the universe is a complex system... you don't think it could figure out how to fix a paradox?"
girl: "But how come we've never seen a timetraveller? Time tourists? Don't you think that if time travel were to exist in the future, everyone would come visit the past?"
guy: "Ok, what about alternate universes. Like, every possibility produces it's own timeline"
girl: "every possibility? That would mean there'd be infinite versions of me in an infinite number of dimensions"
guy: "so? that's cool!"
girl: "well that means that I don't really matter, because not only am I just a miniscule grain of dust in the universe, I'm just a fraction of that grain of dust that's spread over an infinite amount of universes. That's bullshit. I already have enough self esteem issues."
guy: "You know, in another timeline, I bet you're a stripper"
girl: "You know, in this timeline, I think you die now."
guy: "Ok, what about mental time travel, where you could visit earlier moments of your own life, or past lives if you believe in THAT shit"
girl: "You mean like that Lost episode with Desmond?"
Biff the waiter: "Fuck! I'm only on Season 1, you assholes!"
girl: "But the fact remains, if time travel exists, we'd have always known about it"
guy: "But we always have! It's in the Bible!"
girl: "You haven't read the bible!"
guy: "No, but I read the coles notes, and in the last chapter all it talks about is the future..."
girl: "Telling the future is different than time travel"
guy: "so what, you can SEE the future but you can't go there?"
girl: "No, I think prophecies are bullshit too, I'm just saying it's not the same"
guy: "Well how about this- the only reason we DON'T know about time travel, is because God, who has structured time according to his own agenda, employs legions of Timecops that make sure the timeline stays intact, with no paradoxes, anachronisms or anomalies"
girl: "Well, ironically that's the most plausible theory you've put forth, except it relies completely on a religious belief system"
guy: "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know your 98% average in grade 12 science still qualifies you as Mrs. Objectivity"
girl: "Ok, how about we conduct a little experiment?"
girl: "Since you're so dedicated to proving the existence of time travel, why don't you dedicate the rest of your life to coming back to THIS moment in time with scientific proof?"
guy: "Are you sure you want me to do that?"
girl: "Why not.. then at least we can stop arguing about this stupid time travel bullshit and actually order something from the menu, before Biff, (who has been standing there the entire time) decides to kick us out of this restaurant?"
guy: "Alright. I'll have a steak tar-tar, she'll have Buttered Oysters, Tiger Shrimp and a sliced pickle on the side"
Biff takes the order and fucks off.
girl: "How did you know I was going to order that?"
guy: "Time Travel. You asked for proof. There's your proof"
guy: "Nope. I spend the next 10 years of my life researching to come back here and prove to you time travel exists"
guy: "Alright, I spent the last 10 minutes calculating which items on the menu could fit into your weightwatchers diet subtracting deep fried peanut butter and bannana sandwich you snuck for lunch"
girl: "You knew about that? Wait, you pay that much attention to me? That's kind of sweet..."
guy: "Yes, but unfortunately I must never unlock the mysteries of time"
girl: "That's ok, slugger, there's still cancer to cure and all..."
guy: "Yeah, but, time... I just wish..."
girl: "Well maybe the whole 'alternate universe' theory is true... maybe in another universe you've just arrived from the future and wowed me"
guy:"Maybe, I just wish I could GO to that universe..."
girl: "Maybe you can... maybe time travel is as simple as closing your eyes REALLY tight, and then just BEING somewhere else"
Guy closes his eyes real tight.
Girl runs for the door.
Guy opens his eyes.
Guy: "Ok, that is officially the last time I bring up Time Travel and Star Trek on a blind date..."
Guy pulls out a gun and shoots the stupid writer, who should be spending his time and energy on his own dumb-ass projects.
Guy pulls down his pants, raises his arms, and streaks out of the restaurant giving all the patrons the finger.