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Old 05-27-2017, 05:49 PM   #1
j0shgreene
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Thumbs Up "Victim of Love" My first student short film (4:53)

"Victim of Love" a student short film.

Looking for all feedback/constructive criticism. Please comment what you think!



Written and directed by Josh Greene
Starring Jackson Hinkle and Carly Sherman

Last edited by j0shgreene; 05-31-2017 at 11:55 PM.
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Old 06-04-2017, 03:18 PM   #2
youngsiddhartha
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Very well done here. Thought the writing/story was superb, the male actor could've been a little but stronger but the female actress did really well! Cinematography was stellar.
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Old 06-05-2017, 12:56 PM   #3
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Thank you Siddhartha. Really appreciate the feedback.
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Old 06-06-2017, 12:43 PM   #4
ZMY
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Nice job! What part of SoCal are you from? I almost think this would have been a lot darker had you used an objective narrator.

Almost like telling the noir from an omnipresent observer's standpoint. If that makes sense.
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Old 06-06-2017, 01:58 PM   #5
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San Clemente! How about you?

Appreciate the feedback. My vision really was set on the ironic parallel structure of the two different narrations. But I definitely think your idea would be an interesting element to the story.
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Old 06-06-2017, 02:22 PM   #6
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Pretty good man! Has a great student film feel, like, in a good way. Reminds me of film school.

"...point blank in the back"

He shot him in the front, and I noticed this mistake in narration.
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Old 06-06-2017, 02:35 PM   #7
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Looks beautiful and edited well. Jackson Hinkle was the weakest part of the film. Nice job Josh.
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Old 06-06-2017, 02:43 PM   #8
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Nice, I'm from Orange. If you ever want to collaborate let me know! I have a few ideas I am trying to get moving and I'm sure you do as well.
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Old 06-07-2017, 01:26 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indietalk View Post
Pretty good man! Has a great student film feel, like, in a good way. Reminds me of film school.

"...point blank in the back"

He shot him in the front, and I noticed this mistake in narration.
Really appreciate it! Truly.

My actual intention there was that he was so disoriented/in shock after murdering someone that he doesn't really remember how he killed him. But yeah probably should've been just more straightforward with the dialogue there.
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Old 06-07-2017, 01:27 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stolrow View Post
Looks beautiful and edited well. Jackson Hinkle was the weakest part of the film. Nice job Josh.
Thanks Jack. Thanks for your awesome cinematography in this film. Also, yes I agree Jackson's performance was a little weak in comparison's to Carly, he is a first-time actor.
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Old 06-07-2017, 07:26 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by ZMY View Post
Nice, I'm from Orange. If you ever want to collaborate let me know! I have a few ideas I am trying to get moving and I'm sure you do as well.
Working on a new short film right now! I'm sure we'll collaborate on something in the future.
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Old 07-10-2017, 08:56 PM   #12
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Official poster made for this short: https://gyazo.com/c2b00d122fda0e0a7a059a2240b39a0a
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Old 07-11-2017, 12:32 PM   #13
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I think that this is brilliant. Particularly the writing. The structure is fantastic. I love the bookends in the narrative, the parallelism, the shift in POV. The cinematography is really sleek and lovely and you rocked the editing. Sound design is really smooth.

Two nitpicks: I'm not against profanity - there's definitely a time and a place - but it comes across as a crutch here. The acting was the weakest link in this piece, although the female lead was promising.

Based on what I saw here, I'd love to watch more of your work.
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Old 07-14-2017, 02:08 PM   #14
joelhall
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The voice over was pretty flat. Voice over acting isn't easy, admittedly.
In the dialogue scene, try to use more response shots, otherwise it has too much of a student film look.
The pacing is a little off, but that will improve with time, so not so much of an issue.

And the scene of the pair running.... these are not easy things to shoot, I have to say. They seem simple, but you probably noticed yourself something was just "off" about it... the pace, the double shot of leader to follower. The side angle being static and taking away from the motion. It can be tricky to actually get such a scene to work well.
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Old 07-15-2017, 11:38 AM   #15
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I don't like the poster, it looks like Atari just released a new game (but it is 1983). No offense. I'd rather see a black and white still from the flick... or did you get any actual promo stills? Next time, on set, try to remember that...
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