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Old 03-10-2018, 11:17 AM   #16
hamptonjack
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Quote:
Originally Posted by directorik View Post
All in, it's good.

I have a few issues with your creative choices. Your conversational
style “think cogs and gears” and “We'll call him” is a throwback to
Shane Black. Not suggesting you need to change, just that when you
get up the ladder to an experienced story editor they will notice you
are emulating a specific writer's style that went out of favor 25 years
ago.

It is essential to your story that there is a close up on Junkie at
that moment? If the director chose not to use that camera shot
would your story be less clear?

It's a bit unclear when you write, “Junkie, Steve, and Simon pull
up.” Because what would be on the screen is a vehicle pulling up
to the gas station. Did you consider writing what will be seen on
screen? As I'm reading I'm wondering; why are the three guys
pulling up to the gas station and then later realize they were in a
vehicle.

I wonder why you use upper case for some sounds but not others.
And why you use upper case for some things but not others. Do you
feel the reader will forget there is a speaker in the center of his face
if you don't use upper case? Or that the reader will not understand
that the light FLICKERS if you wrote “small ceiling light flickers and
faintly illuminates...”

As a reader I'm always put off by these choices. It yanks me away
from the story and reminds me I'm reading a script.

I like the imagery you set up and I get a good sense of the world in
these few pages. I only wish the writing would get out of the way and
let me enjoy the story.
Appreciate the feedback my man.

Yeah, I'll be honest, I try to avoid the Blackisms but they tend to leak out no matter how hard I try. I'm well aware they aren't particularly 'in style' these days. I should probably restrain myself a bit more.

As for mentioning camera placement, I'll be directing this project (if it's greenlit that is) and so I find it useful. And to be frank, I actually prefer screenplays with specific camera placement details. I know it's generally taught as a 'no no' but for me, it paints a clearer picture in my head of what the film is supposed to be. People will say, 'focus on the story', but because film is a visual medium I don't personally see an issue with it. Just a matter of taste though I guess.

And as far as the inconsistent UPPER CASE, you're right, it's obnoxious, thanks for pointing that out. I'm gonna go back to the drawing board on that, and try to use it only when absolutely necessary.

If you're distracted by some Blackisms and an inconsistent writing style then I definitely have to adjust some things. I'm glad you're mostly enjoying it though.

Last edited by hamptonjack; 03-10-2018 at 11:20 AM.
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Old 03-11-2018, 10:22 PM   #17
UneducatedFan
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That was interesting. Visually it makes me think it would be animated. Maybe even a black and white pencil animation.

I wasn't sure why the key was SPENCER and then the guy asked for SPENCER and then later a SPENCER was collecting creatures, etc. at the end.
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Old 03-12-2018, 12:56 AM   #18
hamptonjack
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That was interesting. Visually it makes me think it would be animated. Maybe even a black and white pencil animation.

I wasn't sure why the key was SPENCER and then the guy asked for SPENCER and then later a SPENCER was collecting creatures, etc. at the end.
Lol I'm confused man, did you not realize they're the same character?

Last edited by hamptonjack; 03-12-2018 at 01:11 AM.
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Old 03-12-2018, 09:19 AM   #19
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I thought I did but then it didn't make sense why the guy would have to go somewhere to get Spencer when he already had him when the guy handed him the key. If I read it right, Spencer was the key, so the guy gets Spencer, gives him to the other guy, then gets shot. But then that other guy has to drive to a laundromat, go into a back room and insert Spencer (the key) in a box and then asks for Spencer.

Couldn't you just cut out the whole part after the gas station because he has Spencer at that point (in the form of a key)?
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Old 03-12-2018, 11:36 AM   #20
hamptonjack
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I thought I did but then it didn't make sense why the guy would have to go somewhere to get Spencer when he already had him when the guy handed him the key. If I read it right, Spencer was the key, so the guy gets Spencer, gives him to the other guy, then gets shot. But then that other guy has to drive to a laundromat, go into a back room and insert Spencer (the key) in a box and then asks for Spencer.

Couldn't you just cut out the whole part after the gas station because he has Spencer at that point (in the form of a key)?
Ah, I see where your confusion is coming from. The key isn't Spencer, it's the way to contact Spencer. It was shaped like a tiny Spencer initially to symbolize that it was the correct key.

I'll have to clarify this somehow, thanks for mentioning it.
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Old 03-12-2018, 04:00 PM   #21
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Maybe it was clear and I just misread it.
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Old 03-13-2018, 11:49 AM   #22
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New to the forum.

Just had a read of your script. Very out there and avant garde, nice.

I think, for me, I would save the CAPITALIZATIONS for only when it's absolutely necessary.

Also, I know you said you want to direct but not sure a script on spec should have directing/shooting elements, those elements can go into a shooting script, kept separate. It takes the reader out of the story.

But these are just my opinions.
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Old 03-13-2018, 12:02 PM   #23
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Read it, and liked it. Interesting and intriguing.

I'm sure you realize, that the VFX kinda make or break how a story like this turns out on the screen.
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Old 03-13-2018, 12:39 PM   #24
directorik
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hamptonjack View Post
As for mentioning camera placement, I'll be directing this project (if it's greenlit that is) and so I find it useful. And to be frank, I actually prefer screenplays with specific camera placement details. I know it's generally taught as a 'no no' but for me, it paints a clearer picture in my head of what the film is supposed to be. People will say, 'focus on the story', but because film is a visual medium I don't personally see an issue with it. Just a matter of taste though I guess.
Let me play Devil's Advocate;

Based on my experience getting a script green-lit involves several
levels of people reading the script. Even if you are attached as
director many people will read the script as it moves through the
process. In most cases I think it's better to allow your story to stand
out over your directorial preferences.

You are correct; film is a visual medium. The screenplay, however,
is very different than the finished product even as it, too, conveys
the visual. There are so many ways for a writer to make a screenplay
visual without using camera terms. That's why I always suggest a
writer try at least one draft using their power of words to set a visual
style rather than camera terms. For the most part you do it and do it
well.

Think about it. I think your screenplay will be more powerful and more
visual without using uppercase and camera terms. Get the “powers-that-be”
excited about your characters and story. Then dazzle them with where
you as the director are going to place a close up once they are hooked.
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Old 03-13-2018, 03:56 PM   #25
hamptonjack
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Originally Posted by Kaiborg View Post
Read it, and liked it. Interesting and intriguing.

I'm sure you realize, that the VFX kinda make or break how a story like this turns out on the screen.
Appreciate it. Yeah, I try to stay away from VFX-heavy stories for that reason (lack of budget), but because I'm gonna be utilizing some connections in this case, it seems plausible that I could be given the opportunity to work with a fairly high budget and talented artists to help convey my ideas.

Basically, if I'm not given the budget I need for this project, I'll move on to something else, because this will require a vast amount of high-end polish I can't achieve on my own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SupaRubes View Post
I think, for me, I would save the CAPITALIZATIONS for only when it's absolutely necessary.

Also, I know you said you want to direct but not sure a script on spec should have directing/shooting elements, those elements can go into a shooting script, kept separate. It takes the reader out of the story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by directorik View Post
Think about it. I think your screenplay will be more powerful and more
visual without using uppercase and camera terms. Get the “powers-that-be”
excited about your characters and story. Then dazzle them with where
you as the director are going to place a close up once they are hooked.
You know what, I'll concede. Quite a few people who've read the script have told me this, essentially "I'm enjoying it so far but the camera directions are getting in the way of the story".

The obnoxious CAPITALIZED WORDS were something I've already minimized heavily from the screenplay, but I'll do the same for the camera directions. I think this is probably the right call. Thanks guys.
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