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Old 03-02-2018, 05:17 PM   #1
hamptonjack
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Post First 6 pages of a feature I'm working on - "Florida Girls"

Hey guys, this is my first post here. Thought I'd share the first 6 pages of a screenplay I'm working on.

If you're interested, check out these first 6 pages and let me know what you think. Feel free to tell me if it sucks, I won't be offended:

https://www.scribd.com/document/3727...-First-6-Pages

Last edited by hamptonjack; 03-29-2018 at 07:10 AM.
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:15 PM   #2
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Welcome.
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:21 PM   #3
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Welcome.
Thanks man.
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:22 PM   #4
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:25 PM   #5
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Your screenplay is so disturbing to read.
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Old 03-02-2018, 07:24 PM   #6
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Thanks, your forum is an amazing resource. If you have the time, I'd love some brutal feedback on my screenplay.

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Your screenplay is so disturbing to read.
Appreciate it man, that's the highest compliment I could've asked for.

Last edited by hamptonjack; 03-02-2018 at 07:26 PM.
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Old 03-02-2018, 07:31 PM   #7
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xD I guess that is the direction you are heading.
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:03 AM   #8
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Is it still available for reading? The site says it has been taken down.
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Old 03-09-2018, 12:08 PM   #9
hamptonjack
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Is it still available for reading? The site says it has been taken down.
Should be back up now, sorry about that.
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Old 03-09-2018, 12:27 PM   #10
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Still says it's not publicly available.
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Old 03-09-2018, 12:50 PM   #11
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The same thing happened to me when I posted a script, and I have a Scribd account. I don't know what's wrong.
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Old 03-09-2018, 01:14 PM   #12
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Well, I would lie if I said I understood even a single thing, but I'm interested that's for use! Reminds me of a Bosch painting, where nothing seems to make any sense, but when you look at the whole picture it all makes sense (unless of course this was inspried by one of your LSD dreams, in which case this is probably all it is, but I hope not).

I really like your writing style, how you form the sentences, the words you use etc. However, I really don't like how almost all the names start with an S. Steve, Simon, Spencer. In the beginning, I always had to double check who was talking. It's better when you see the name from the corner of your eye and you already know whose line you're reading.
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:48 PM   #13
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Well, I would lie if I said I understood even a single thing, but I'm interested that's for use! Reminds me of a Bosch painting, where nothing seems to make any sense, but when you look at the whole picture it all makes sense (unless of course this was inspried by one of your LSD dreams, in which case this is probably all it is, but I hope not).

I really like your writing style, how you form the sentences, the words you use etc. However, I really don't like how almost all the names start with an S. Steve, Simon, Spencer. In the beginning, I always had to double check who was talking. It's better when you see the name from the corner of your eye and you already know whose line you're reading.
Appreciate the feedback man. Yeah, it's very idiosyncratic, I'm aware. The goal is to submerge the audience in an unfamiliar world, not necessarily tell a story in any traditional sense, so it may not satisfy your thirst for meaning.

A widely known film with a similar goal is Inland Empire, you've probably seen it (or at least parts of it). It's the most esoteric of Lynch's work and its primary focus is mood/atmosphere. Not that I want to compare my writing to what others are doing, but it might be useful as an explanation.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words about my writing style. The S names were a big mistake, I noticed that a few days back and changed them all except Steve.

Last edited by hamptonjack; 03-10-2018 at 02:30 AM.
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:49 PM   #14
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Still says it's not publicly available.
Anyone else still have this problem? Let me know and I'll reupload it.
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Old 03-10-2018, 11:02 AM   #15
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All in, it's good.

I have a few issues with your creative choices. Your conversational
style “think cogs and gears” and “We'll call him” is a throwback to
Shane Black. Not suggesting you need to change, just that when you
get up the ladder to an experienced story editor they will notice you
are emulating a specific writer's style that went out of favor 25 years
ago.

It is essential to your story that there is a close up on Junkie at
that moment? If the director chose not to use that camera shot
would your story be less clear?

It's a bit unclear when you write, “Junkie, Steve, and Simon pull
up.” Because what would be on the screen is a vehicle pulling up
to the gas station. Did you consider writing what will be seen on
screen? As I'm reading I'm wondering; why are the three guys
pulling up to the gas station and then later realize they were in a
vehicle.

I wonder why you use upper case for some sounds but not others.
And why you use upper case for some things but not others. Do you
feel the reader will forget there is a speaker in the center of his face
if you don't use upper case? Or that the reader will not understand
that the light FLICKERS if you wrote “small ceiling light flickers and
faintly illuminates...”

As a reader I'm always put off by these choices. It yanks me away
from the story and reminds me I'm reading a script.

I like the imagery you set up and I get a good sense of the world in
these few pages. I only wish the writing would get out of the way and
let me enjoy the story.
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