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Old 05-02-2018, 05:48 PM   #31
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Waitress, money, comedy, I just went with it. You can do the same. Just write something out.
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:55 PM   #32
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@indietalk enjoyed the story simple yet captivating. I dont think i can use a mexican man because thts not really relevant for the belgian culture but the base of the story seems definitely interesting. Thanks for the help!
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:56 PM   #33
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No prob.
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Old 05-02-2018, 06:11 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nielsTRY View Post
yea you are right i put those in to set the atmosphere and to get to know the characters but if i would follow your story structure thats not needed. What do you think of the robbers making a written plan. My instructor and me too find it not realistic that robbers make a written plan. I wrote that with the idea they where amateurs but this make them look too dumb. Its mostly a setup to get the cops knocking on their door. I cant figure out a better way too get to that ending maybe just ditch the ending but what to replace it with?
I could tell you what to replace it with, you already have the pieces.
At that point I'd be doing more than giving advice. I'd be robbing you of an opportunity to create for yourself and grow as an artist.

expanding on characters is great but this is a short film not a feature length film.. so, in short.. get to the point!
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Old 05-02-2018, 08:22 PM   #35
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If you want some inspiration check out some really short shorts - ONE MINUTE.

http://www.filminute.com/home.php

Here's one of my favorites; it introduced me to FilMinute

Last edited by Alcove Audio; 05-02-2018 at 08:27 PM.
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Old 05-02-2018, 10:20 PM   #36
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Just replying to the opening post.
The last scene makes no sense it is too disconnected from the rest.
The rest is too complex for 4 minutes.
You painted yourself in a corner.
Now you can watch paint dry, or walk over it and paint something better.

2 Waitresses are tired of making little money and plan to rob their boss.
They hire someone.
But their boss is making little money as well, so after the robbery and after paying their robber they made even less and their boss has no money to pay their salary.
The witness is just an extra: no time for giving him a big part.

Add some urgent reason why they need money and there is a lot at stake and some tragic irony in the end.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:10 AM   #37
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@Sfoster yea you are right just cant to get over the hump right now but will try to figure something out. The hardest challenge for me is indeed nothing getting to know the character as that is wat intrests me in film.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:16 AM   #38
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@Alcove some cool stuff over there very interesting. Dont know if this kind of storytelling would translate to a 4 minute video but inspirational none the less.

@WalterB The last scene is indeed too disconnected too much open space really felt that in the first shoot of the film. I like your twist on involving the boss but. I pitched something similar that they were dissapointed with the money they gained. But my instructor replied that the characters where too dumb. Tey would have figured that out before they did the robbery. So that would be a difficult route.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:26 AM   #39
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@Sfoster yea you are right just cant to get over the hump right now but will try to figure something out. The hardest challenge for me is indeed nothing getting to know the character as that is wat intrests me in film.
If someone were to ask me what the point of character development was, I would tell them it's a seed youre planting for a later payoff. what kind of later payoff are you giving your audience by getting to know characters they'll only spend 4 minutes with. Its good to show character but don't belabor it
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Old 05-03-2018, 08:37 AM   #40
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@Alcove some cool stuff over there very interesting. Dont know if this kind of storytelling would translate to a 4 minute video but inspirational none the less.
They are examples of telling a story in a very limited time with (mostly) very limited resources. Isn't that what you need?
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Old 05-09-2018, 12:12 AM   #41
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It probably is too late but let me put it out there
Skip all the introductions and everything
The opening scene is directly on the day of the robbery.
Ellen patiently watches Lien strike out with ewoud and Lien walks back to the counter disappointed
Ellen tries to contact Bruno but he does not pick up the phone.Leaves him a message scolding and reminding him that today is 'the' DAY
Ellen looks at the safe with despair and tells Lien that they can never pull it off
And you can go on from there
In the end you can show that a masked person who they have mistaken for bruno is actually a robber and they have been robbed for real (a bit cliche'd but works perfectly for a 4 minute short)
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