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Old 05-02-2018, 03:48 PM   #16
nielsTRY
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i wont but what can i do i will just have to go with my rewrite and hope it will work out...

Last edited by nielsTRY; 05-02-2018 at 03:58 PM.
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Old 05-02-2018, 04:05 PM   #17
directorik
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nielsTRY View Post
Well i hade some doubts myself about the timing. But my instructor pushed me to make the story and told me how it could be a great story. So i trusted him but he never gave me any guidlines in how to gell the story together in the given time. So i now i am in quite the time problem. So this is kinda a desperate move because making another story, finding the actors, finding a good location in the coming week will not be an option.
There is a great challenge that started here in the states and now extends
worldwide called The 48 Hour Film Project. They offer this challenge
IN BELGIUM. The entire point of the challenge is to overcome the "time
problem". Film makers all around the world pay money to be part of this.
I've done it three times.

You have the actors, you have the location and you have a shoot date.
Now rise to the challenge and write a great four minute story using
what you have. Do you have the talent to do that? Do you have the drive
to try? Are you willing to work hard to do what needs to be done to finish
the project you are given?

Because that's what us professionals do. Every day. I'm not an A-List
director or writer who can do exactly what I want to do. I am a working
writer and director who is given an assignment. I must do what the
producer wants - on time. Learning this in a school setting is what puts
you on the path to becoming a film maker.

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If you have any ideas to maybe get idea to work its greatly appreciated!
I have half-a-dozen ideas but I am not going to write a script for you.
The entire point of going to school is to learn how to meet challenges.

At least that's how school was at one time.

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i appreciate the tips from direktorik but i need to move forward with this script so is it wrong to see if others more experience writers have ideas to maybe make the story work.
No. It is not wrong to ask.
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Well i ve been trying for the last couple of weeks... But i guess that i wont find my answers here
You found answers here. You didn't find someone to do your writing.
There is a difference.

Do you really want me, or Quality, or indietalk, or Alcove to do YOUR
assignment?

Last edited by directorik; 05-02-2018 at 04:12 PM.
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Old 05-02-2018, 04:12 PM   #18
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Here a short synopsis: 2 female waiters who are working in a café are fed up with making little money. they come up with a plan to stage a robery on their café. they hire a hitman and prepare a plan. Their plan is to involve a witness. they choose for a regular customer that Always had an eye on one of the waiters. the problem is he has come with a dte this time and doesnt look interested in her. After trying a couple of times he gets him to come but he sees tht there is something wrong. The three thieves are counting there money in a safe house till all of a sudden the police knocks on their door...
1 page 2 female waiters who are working in a café are fed up with making little money. include regular customer that appears later in story
1/2 page they come up with a plan to stage a robery on their café.
1/2 page they hire a hitman and prepare a plan. Their plan is to involve a witness.
1 page the problem is he has come with a dte this time and doesnt look interested in her. After trying a couple of times he gets him to come but he sees tht there is something wrong.
1 page The three thieves are counting there money in a safe house till all of a sudden the police knocks on their door...

Does that work?
The bulk of amateur screenwriting is stuff that should be cut out of the movie by the editor.

Last edited by sfoster; 05-02-2018 at 04:15 PM.
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Old 05-02-2018, 04:23 PM   #19
nielsTRY
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Well this seems to go downhill... I believe there a different kind of writers: some like to write alone and others like to co write feeding of each others ideas. I am more in the second group but havent yet found the people to cowrite with. I believe i have good ideas but at this stage(1st year) maybe i lack the skills to make a cohesive story and dont find a lot of screenwriting tools on 4 minute shortfilms. Maybe i just have a different (wrong) perspective on writing

But i dont want to rise your guys bloodpressure anymore and leave it at that. Thanks for replying and good luck writing!
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Old 05-02-2018, 04:28 PM   #20
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@sfoster I appreciate the help! that was basically my script only left some stuff out. Only problem is how can i make the fourth scene work in a minute. In my first shoot that part took about 3 minutes. Just some quick back and forth cutting?
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Old 05-02-2018, 04:31 PM   #21
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give me a synopsis of the 4th scene
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Old 05-02-2018, 04:47 PM   #22
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two waiters are Lien and Ellen. Robber is Bruno and the customer is Ewoud with his date Sarah
1) Lien is washing the dishes and looks nervous she approaches Ewoud and Sarah and tries to seduce Ewoud. Its a lousy attempt and she retreats to the kitchen leaving Ewoud and Sarah confused
2) In the kitchen we see Ellen and Bruno posing like there is a robbery. They see Lien and relax. Lien tells tht the girl sitting next to ewoud is ruining it. Ellen tells here she need to give it more of an effort. She mimcs to Lien she has to get more cleavage. She convinces Lien to go again.
3) Lien brings the drinks to E and S and starts to seduce E even more( comedic) E is not biting. So she despertly wispers in his ears that he has to come. E is worried and follows here
4) E and L go in the kitchen and E takes action: he asks whats goig on. Bruno fails to come up with a good answer so Ellen takes control and say that he should give Bruno the money. Lien hands it over and Bruno runs away. In the meantime the plan of the robbery falls out of the pocket of Bruno when transacting the money(the weakest part) and E notices that. He makes a quick move and puts it feet on while calling the cops.
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Old 05-02-2018, 04:54 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nielsTRY View Post
two waiters are Lien and Ellen. Robber is Bruno and the customer is Ewoud with his date Sarah
1) Lien is washing the dishes and looks nervous she approaches Ewoud and Sarah and tries to seduce Ewoud. Its a lousy attempt and she retreats to the kitchen leaving Ewoud and Sarah confused
2) In the kitchen we see Ellen and Bruno posing like there is a robbery. They see Lien and relax. Lien tells tht the girl sitting next to ewoud is ruining it. Ellen tells here she need to give it more of an effort. She mimcs to Lien she has to get more cleavage. She convinces Lien to go again.
3) Lien brings the drinks to E and S and starts to seduce E even more( comedic) E is not biting. So she despertly wispers in his ears that he has to come. E is worried and follows here
4) E and L go in the kitchen and E takes action: he asks whats goig on. Bruno fails to come up with a good answer so Ellen takes control and say that he should give Bruno the money. Lien hands it over and Bruno runs away. In the meantime the plan of the robbery falls out of the pocket of Bruno when transacting the money(the weakest part) and E notices that. He makes a quick move and puts it feet on while calling the cops.
You can remove 1 and 2 entirely
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:00 PM   #24
nielsTRY
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yea you are right i put those in to set the atmosphere and to get to know the characters but if i would follow your story structure thats not needed. What do you think of the robbers making a written plan. My instructor and me too find it not realistic that robbers make a written plan. I wrote that with the idea they where amateurs but this make them look too dumb. Its mostly a setup to get the cops knocking on their door. I cant figure out a better way too get to that ending maybe just ditch the ending but what to replace it with?
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:01 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nielsTRY View Post
Well this seems to go downhill... I believe there a different kind of writers: some like to write alone and others like to co write feeding of each others ideas. I am more in the second group but havent yet found the people to cowrite with. I believe i have good ideas but at this stage(1st year) maybe i lack the skills to make a cohesive story and dont find a lot of screenwriting tools on 4 minute shortfilms. Maybe i just have a different (wrong) perspective on writing

But i dont want to rise your guys bloodpressure anymore and leave it at that. Thanks for replying and good luck writing!
My blood pressure isn't raised. I want to help. That's why I teach
screenwriting and I post here.

It's fine to want to write with others. And perhaps you are not ready
to be a writer. One way to find out is to keep at it. Another way is to
give up until you find someone to write with. I believe the way to
build the skills to make a cohesive story it to write. Especially when you
feel it's not going well.

I'm sorry you feel this went downhill. I was trying to jump start you
into accepting a difficult challenge. I see I shouldn't have.

I apologize.
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:13 PM   #26
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directorik, don't fall prey to his passive aggressiveness. Simply move on.
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:19 PM   #27
nielsTRY
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Well you shouldnt have to apologize. I know i am mostly to blame myself for the choices i make: i could have been more critical of the script, i could of looked for help sooner, and many more things.I just really want to make it happen this year as this is my only chance to make it happen in the film industry. So maybe i have to reevaluate and just accept that i cant do it. I guess time will tell...
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:19 PM   #28
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Our "job" here is not to do your work, or to collaborate. We are here to offer suggestions as to how you can do things for yourself.

One of the hardest things to do is "kill your babies", to scrap things you may love but don't work. That's just part of the biz.
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:29 PM   #29
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@indietalk i am sorry that you feel that way as that was not my intention.
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:46 PM   #30
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-A waitresses makes fun of an elderly man customer.
-He eats soup by himself every day and leaves an appropriate tip based on the price of the soup, which she deems cheap.
-She is friendly to his face, but in the kitchen she mocks him and the staff laugh. She also makes racist remarks about the Mexican busboys.
-One day the man leaves a lottery ticket as his tip.
-She grabs the ticket and throws it in his face, and says "I'm tired of your cheap ass, you leave seventy five cents every day and now you leave me this worthless piece of paper?"
-The busboy is clearing his soup. He says "How do you know the numbers won't win? You never know."
-She says "Fine, you wetb**k, I'll take this as the tip, and here's your cut for the night."
-She grabs his hand and slaps it into his palm and says "Let me know how many cans of beans that buys."
-The old man remarks... "I can answer that. About 1.2 million cans of beans."
-The old man puts his hat on and leaves.
-Cut to: News clip of the old man winning 1.2 mil, and the bus boy being tipped the ticket.

That's all I got bro!
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