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Old 08-28-2018, 06:11 AM   #1
pedramyz
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Script Vet

Hello,

I am an aspiring filmmaker currently living in Iran. I hope one day I can break into Hollywood industry. I have written a feature length screenplay. Any professional who has the time to read the first 10-15 pages and give me their ideas are welcome.

Two problems however:

1. I don't write generic dialogue for my important characters, so I intentionally use peculiar words to express an idea sometimes.( That's just my personal creative preference), but since English is not my mother's tongue, many critiques say that this unique voice is due to my weak grasp of English and not because of my non-generic dialogue. but since the critiques who have read the script overgeneralize some issues and do not give me detailed examples, I can't decide if they are right or wrong. So if you read the script and believe that my script doesn't represent the way English language is spoken, I'll need you to give me detailed examples of the parts that read or feel wrong.

2. You can be as brutal as you want to be. but if you point out certain issues, please give me examples so I'd know what I did wrong.
Send me your email address I'll send a PDF for you.
Thank you in advance.

Last edited by pedramyz; 09-01-2018 at 04:03 PM.
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Old 08-28-2018, 07:07 AM   #2
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I'm not professional but I want to say two things. First eliminate that thought from your mind: "I hope one day I can break into Hollywood industry." It creates in to your mind the belief that you are inferior to Hollywood and you hope that these superior people will accept you there. Change it to: "I hope one day Hollywood will be clever enough to welcome me to their team."
Second: If your English is not 100% fluent, guess what... don't write in English. Write in your language, then quit smoking, drinking, eating unnecessary sh@@t, earn money and give your script for translation.
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Old 08-28-2018, 07:55 AM   #3
pedramyz
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Panos View Post
I'm not professional but I want to say two things. First eliminate that thought from your mind: "I hope one day I can break into Hollywood industry." It creates in to your mind the belief that you are inferior to Hollywood and you hope that these superior people will accept you there. Change it to: "I hope one day Hollywood will be clever enough to welcome me to their team."
I already had this mind set. But since I entered this forum, people are eager to feed me this idea that Hollywood is out of my league

Quote:
Second: If your English is not 100% fluent, guess what... don't write in English. Write in your language, then quit smoking, drinking, eating unnecessary sh@@t, earn money and give your script for translation.
Well as I said, I'm still not sure if my script has a language proficiency problem. Since I intentionally write peculiar dialogues for my important characters sometimes, critiques think that's due to my weak grasp of English. That's why I started this thread for more professionals to read the script and give me their detailed opinion.
Also I believe when it comes to literature, no amount of translating can do the original work justice. Besides, translators working in these companies have weaker English than I have!! ( I had applied for colleges and I needed my forms and essays to be officially marked and stamped by reputable translating companies. You won't believe how much grammatical problems I have found in their translations! I ended up translating the forms my self and giving them the form to only sign and stamp). Unfortunately English is not a common thing in Iran, and people who do translating, do a poor job of it.( except for book translators whom I don't have any access to).

But lets not deviate from the title of this thread which is script vet. The discussion for these sort of things is somewhere else.

Last edited by pedramyz; 08-28-2018 at 08:10 AM.
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Old 08-28-2018, 10:04 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pedramyz View Post
but since the critiques who have read the script overgeneralize some issues and do not give me detailed examples, I can't decide if they are right or wrong.
There is no right or wrong in creative opinion. Write the dialogue you
feel is best for each character. Some people may not like it. That does
not mean you are wrong and they are right. No one knows how your
characters character talk better than you.
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Old 08-28-2018, 01:08 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pedramyz View Post
I already had this mind set. But since I entered this forum, people are eager to feed me this idea that Hollywood is out of my league
Unacceptable excuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pedramyz View Post
That's why I started this thread for more professionals to read the script and give me their detailed opinion.
If you want professionals to do analysis for your script you need to pay.

Also please give an example of your dialogues.
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Old 08-28-2018, 02:49 PM   #6
pedramyz
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Originally Posted by Panos View Post
Unacceptable excuse.


If you want professionals to do analysis for your script you need to pay.

Also please give an example of your dialogues.
That's not how it works. Not all my dialogues are like that. You have to read the whole 10 pages to get familiarized with the story and the reason behind those dialogues. Also, and please don't get this the wrong way, but if I'm not wrong, you mentioned earlier that you are not a professional. So I don't know why you are asking for examples. As I said at the beginning of the thread, any professional who doesn't have the time to go through the details don't need to join this thread. Nobody forced you to answer anything. You are changing the subject of this thread by these comments. So could you please stop arguing with me and let the professionals who are willing to help, help?
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Old 08-29-2018, 07:35 AM   #7
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I read again more careful and you are right for the language part.
As for your mindset I'm right. We are in a public forum so you will put up with me

You are so passionate for a professional opinion, moreover with detailed examples, while you are seeking it in a public forum without you willing to pay. Also the hope to brake in to Hollywood and the people who discourage you to do so... all these show an immaturity and a weak mindset.

It is like you are holding a hammer upside down and you are seeking for professional opinions about whether these nails are the proper for the chair you want to make.

You are more than welcome not to reply. Nobody is forcing you to.
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Old 08-29-2018, 08:46 AM   #8
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He is asking for someone to critique the pages, so let's give his request a chance in this thread please.
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Old 08-29-2018, 07:27 PM   #9
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Am I missing something? I don't see any script pages.
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Old 08-29-2018, 07:30 PM   #10
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me either
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Old 08-30-2018, 06:48 AM   #11
pedramyz
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script vet

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Originally Posted by sfoster View Post
Am I missing something? I don't see any script pages.
I'll send it to your email. Pv me your email address.
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Old 10-12-2018, 12:32 AM   #12
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i would like to read your screenplay, my email is mdanishindia@gmail.com
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