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Old 08-09-2018, 08:26 PM   #1
joey1320
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Opening scene of new idea I'm working on. Feedback appreciated.

Hello everyone ☺️

I'm working on a new idea and have finished (Are they ever finished?) the opening scene. I'm currently outlining the full movie but wanted to see what the forum thought of what I have so far.

Any and all feedback is highly appreciated.
Thanks for the help!


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uh_...w?usp=drivesdk
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Old Today   #1A
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Old 08-09-2018, 10:50 PM   #2
UneducatedFan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joey1320 View Post
Hello everyone ☺️

I'm working on a new idea and have finished (Are they ever finished?) the opening scene. I'm currently outlining the full movie but wanted to see what the forum thought of what I have so far.

Any and all feedback is highly appreciated.
Thanks for the help!


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uh_...w?usp=drivesdk
I liked the premise and the idea that these auto-uber like cars are going haywire or being used nefariously. There was a lot of detail given regarding the specific colors of the cars and the different "A" colors but I wasn't sure if that was just for painting the scene or whether the different colors had meaning (that affected the story or show up later).

As far as characters are concerned, I think they were ok. Lots of description of them and I assume they stick around? Or if they are only in the intro scene then there might be more description and dialogue than needed (needing to know who isn't there, that he's sick, that there should be a call on Monday, etc. vs. a simple. "Gotta get going with Josh home sick with the flue, etc." kiss, kiss bye.

But that's all personal preference really so I can't really say it's right or wrong, etc.

IF those intro characters/scenes are "throwaway" (you are just using them to establish that Avacar's are starting to kill people) I might suggest a little bit more exciting or dramatic before the kill.

Like maybe Carla's had too much to drink and is arguing with Josh, or they are breaking up, etc. or some other kind of confrontation. Josh follows her out while Carla wants nothing to do with him, some "daggeresque" dialogue from Carla like "I don't love you anymore" or "You're such a pussy." or something and WHAM! she gets hit/killed right in front of Josh.

Or maybe Carla's in a bad part of town and some thugs cat call her and follow her, she orders an Avacar and just when we think she's going to be safe as the Avacar pulls up, BAM! the thugs witness what happens and get the hell on outta there.

These are just ideas as I read the little soiree in the apartment and dialogue leading to her leaving. Just was looking for a little bit more "spice" leading up to the killing.
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Old 08-10-2018, 10:21 AM   #3
joey1320
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UneducatedFan View Post
I liked the premise and the idea that these auto-uber like cars are going haywire or being used nefariously. There was a lot of detail given regarding the specific colors of the cars and the different "A" colors but I wasn't sure if that was just for painting the scene or whether the different colors had meaning (that affected the story or show up later).

The different colors on the vehicles represent the different services provided by the company. Silver is the base model service, black is the more luxurious one and red is for government/safety vehicles. They don't necessarily mean anything within the story but the company decided to provide those different services as they grew.


As far as characters are concerned, I think they were ok. Lots of description of them and I assume they stick around? Or if they are only in the intro scene then there might be more description and dialogue than needed (needing to know who isn't there, that he's sick, that there should be a call on Monday, etc. vs. a simple. "Gotta get going with Josh home sick with the flue, etc." kiss, kiss bye.

But that's all personal preference really so I can't really say it's right or wrong, etc.

The characters of Nia, Mike and Josh are the main characters of the story once the avacars start killing people.


IF those intro characters/scenes are "throwaway" (you are just using them to establish that Avacar's are starting to kill people) I might suggest a little bit more exciting or dramatic before the kill.

Like maybe Carla's had too much to drink and is arguing with Josh, or they are breaking up, etc. or some other kind of confrontation. Josh follows her out while Carla wants nothing to do with him, some "daggeresque" dialogue from Carla like "I don't love you anymore" or "You're such a pussy." or something and WHAM! she gets hit/killed right in front of Josh.

Or maybe Carla's in a bad part of town and some thugs cat call her and follow her, she orders an Avacar and just when we think she's going to be safe as the Avacar pulls up, BAM! the thugs witness what happens and get the hell on outta there.

These are just ideas as I read the little soiree in the apartment and dialogue leading to her leaving. Just was looking for a little bit more "spice" leading up to the killing.

See above

Thanks for the reply. All feedback is highly appreciated.
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Old 08-10-2018, 11:02 AM   #4
UneducatedFan
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Got it. I was way off on my assessment of the characters.

RIP Carla.
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Old 08-10-2018, 12:25 PM   #5
joey1320
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Originally Posted by UneducatedFan View Post
Got it. I was way off on my assessment of the characters.

RIP Carla.
Collateral damage
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Old Today, 11:40 AM   #6
joey1320
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Anyone else?
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