Revised script, please take a look...

Abraxas Studios · Nov 29, 2011

Hello, thank you for taking the time to read this.

This is the revised edition of my script for my short film Only Human. I'm aware that it is not perfect, but i think it is a ton better than the last edition i posted up here. Thanks to some helpful comments i received i re-wrote the entire thing.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...NDMwMC00MjU0LWE4MTMtYTczMGJmNWQ4YzU3&hl=en_US

I feel i do need to point out that this will be a festival submission so the reason i am looking to budget at around £1.5K - £2K is so that all the proper equipment can be got, so that this can be the very best it can be.

I will be doing an Indiegogo or Kickstarter early next year. Please let me know what you think of the script.

Thank you

Spencer

P.S If you like to follow the progress of this short film and many more of mine that i have planned, then please follow me on twitter @S_barrettfilms

Abraxas Studios · Nov 29, 2011

Just a warning, it is 19 pages long, but any feedback will help even if you can't get through the whole thing.

FantasySciFi · Nov 30, 2011

I read through it. This is a major improvement. Since you plan on filming it, there are some small issues ("is reading" => "reads", "can not" => "can't", etc.) that you can fix but they aren't going to damage the script.

The major issue that I saw was the dialogue could be boiled down. What really needs to be said? This is always the toughest part. It's hard to explain and sometimes easier to see.

ORIGINAL:

Code:

                 KATY
           (sitting down at the table)
    Oh ok then, well do you maybe
    want to watch a film when I get
    home then?

Sarah walks up to Katy, kisses her on the head and walks
past.

                 SARAH
      Yeah, sure, I'll be home before
      you I suspect so I'll set it up
      for us.

                   KATY
    Thanks mum!

                   SARAH
           (as she goes out the door)
    See you later sweety!

                   KATY
    Bye!

This sounds like what you might hear at a table but it will sound artificial on the screen. What is really the key idea? -- watching a movie. We don't need to drill in the bye's. That's visually conveyed. Less is more.

REVISED:

Code:

Katy sits at the table as her mother rushes about

Sarah walks up to Katy, kisses her on the head and walks
past.

                      SARAH
       I'm sorry dear.  Look, when I get back I'll
       set up a movie we can watch after dinner.
       Some time for us.

                       KATY
       Thanks mum!

                       SARAH
       Just pick one.  I hafta run.  See you later sweety!

She grabs her jacket and dashes out the door.

Parentheticals are not substitutes for action lines. There is less back and forth. It's easier to visualize the shots when actions are on their own lines instead of hidden in dialogue. Also, the progressive tense are made active.

Break up visual actions that will likely be their own shots.

ORIGINAL:

Code:

Lily is sitting on the sofa watching tv with a bowl of
ice cream. There is a knock at her door, she gets up,
taking the bowl of ice cream with her.

She answers the door, at the door are two police
officers, they give Lily the bad news, she drops her bowl
which shatters on the floor. She turns and slumps against
the wall slowly sliding to the floor. The camera tracks
back from Lily to see the engagement ring on the floor in
the foreground and Lily in the background crying.

REVISED:

Code:

Lily sits on the sofa with a bowl of ice cream watching tv.

There is a knock at her door.  She gets up and takes the bowl
with her to answer the door.

She opens the door to face two police officers.

As they deliver the bad news, she lets drops her bowl which

shatters on the floor. 

She turns, slumps against the wall, and slowly slides to the floor. 

The engagement ring lies on the floor as Lily cries in the background.

There is a lot more whitespace. But reading this, a director can begin seeing shots. I took out the camera direction in your last line. In a spec script you wouldn't necessarily use it (there will always be exceptions but it is best to avoid them altogether).

Story wise, I think it is much more cohesive. I would focus on the dialogues. Be really intense on asking yourself, if I took out this line would the scene still make sense. Overall, I think this is a good. There is no one correct way, but you've definitely written a stronger script this time.

Abraxas Studios · Nov 30, 2011

FantasySciFi said:
I read through it. This is a major improvement. Since you plan on filming it, there are some small issues ("is reading" => "reads", "can not" => "can't", etc.) that you can fix but they aren't going to damage the script.

The major issue that I saw was the dialogue could be boiled down. What really needs to be said? This is always the toughest part. It's hard to explain and sometimes easier to see.

ORIGINAL:

Code:

KATY (sitting down at the table) Oh ok then, well do you maybe want to watch a film when I get home then? Sarah walks up to Katy, kisses her on the head and walks past. SARAH Yeah, sure, I'll be home before you I suspect so I'll set it up for us. KATY Thanks mum! SARAH (as she goes out the door) See you later sweety! KATY Bye!

This sounds like what you might hear at a table but it will sound artificial on the screen. What is really the key idea? -- watching a movie. We don't need to drill in the bye's. That's visually conveyed. Less is more.

REVISED:

Code:

Katy sits at the table as her mother rushes about Sarah walks up to Katy, kisses her on the head and walks past. SARAH I'm sorry dear. Look, when I get back I'll set up a movie we can watch after dinner. Some time for us. KATY Thanks mum! SARAH Just pick one. I hafta run. See you later sweety! She grabs her jacket and dashes out the door.

Parentheticals are not substitutes for action lines. There is less back and forth. It's easier to visualize the shots when actions are on their own lines instead of hidden in dialogue. Also, the progressive tense are made active.

Break up visual actions that will likely be their own shots.

ORIGINAL:

Code:

Lily is sitting on the sofa watching tv with a bowl of ice cream. There is a knock at her door, she gets up, taking the bowl of ice cream with her. She answers the door, at the door are two police officers, they give Lily the bad news, she drops her bowl which shatters on the floor. She turns and slumps against the wall slowly sliding to the floor. The camera tracks back from Lily to see the engagement ring on the floor in the foreground and Lily in the background crying.

REVISED:

Code:

Lily sits on the sofa with a bowl of ice cream watching tv. There is a knock at her door. She gets up and takes the bowl with her to answer the door. She opens the door to face two police officers. As they deliver the bad news, she lets drops her bowl which shatters on the floor. She turns, slumps against the wall, and slowly slides to the floor. The engagement ring lies on the floor as Lily cries in the background.

There is a lot more whitespace. But reading this, a director can begin seeing shots. I took out the camera direction in your last line. In a spec script you wouldn't necessarily use it (there will always be exceptions but it is best to avoid them altogether).

Story wise, I think it is much more cohesive. I would focus on the dialogues. Be really intense on asking yourself, if I took out this line would the scene still make sense. Overall, I think this is a good. There is no one correct way, but you've definitely written a stronger script this time.

Thank you, it is a massive relief to see that those are the only problems.

I will certainly take it all in, i think i will change some of the dialogue as you said. I think that i will be keeping the action sections the same, as i am directing it i already know what shots i'm going to be using for 90% of it all (though i'm sure they will change in time)

I will fix the small problems and move on to the next step.

Thank you again

Aaron M · Nov 30, 2011

Hey, not bad.

I would say the structure works.. what is being said works.. I personally would rewrite most of the dialogue.. making it all say the same thing in the same places, just in different words. The dialogue is coherent and it's consistent stylistically, but it's just not the way I wold word it.
That might just be personal preference though...
And I could also see you smoothing it out on set with the actors.

Other than that -
1 - maybe I missed it but I don't think you ever explained the terrorists motivation..? I mean you explained what they demanded, but at the same time you implied by other characters perception (and by the apparent sincere response that there were no POWs) that they were just dolting idiots. It's hard to believe Asad would be one step ahead of anyone considering the the apparently stupid, futile and suicidal gesture of taking a school classroom hostage.

Unless you tied it into the mom in Parliment somehow(?) The two feel vaguely relevant but the connection is never made. It kind of seems like the terrorists could just as easily been bank robbers taking a bunch of rich kids hostage for ransom.

2 - I don't buy the affection between Katy and whats his name (the terrorist) for a minute.. Maybe add a specific back story about a deceased daughter? Might explain his motivation, but hers would still be iffy.
I could see it growing naturally over the course of a feature maybe.. but it's a little abrupt as is.

Aside from those two hangups I think structurally, pacing, and plot wise it works very well. I particularly liked the bookends of the relationships affected.

Overall I feel like it could comfortably be expanded a bit.. we could understand the relationship between the terrorists better.. we could understand there motivations better.. we might check in with Lily once in the middle.. Give Katy a friend in the classroom maybe..
none of that crucial - it works as is, but if you wanted to expand it, I think the characters and situations you've set up could support a feature.

Oh, and there are typos all over the place.. but you probably knew that.

But yeah.. key words "not bad".

Abraxas Studios · Nov 30, 2011

Aaron M said:
Hey, not bad.

I would say the structure works.. what is being said works.. I personally would rewrite most of the dialogue.. making it all say the same thing in the same places, just in different words. The dialogue is coherent and it's consistent stylistically, but it's just not the way I wold word it.
That might just be personal preference though...
And I could also see you smoothing it out on set with the actors.

Other than that -
1 - maybe I missed it but I don't think you ever explained the terrorists motivation..? I mean you explained what they demanded, but at the same time you implied by other characters perception (and by the apparent sincere response that there were no POWs) that they were just dolting idiots. It's hard to believe Asad would be one step ahead of anyone considering the the apparently stupid, futile and suicidal gesture of taking a school classroom hostage.

Unless you tied it into the mom in Parliment somehow(?) The two feel vaguely relevant but the connection is never made. It kind of seems like the terrorists could just as easily been bank robbers taking a bunch of rich kids hostage for ransom.

2 - I don't buy the affection between Katy and whats his name (the terrorist) for a minute.. Maybe add a specific back story about a deceased daughter? Might explain his motivation, but hers would still be iffy.
I could see it growing naturally over the course of a feature maybe.. but it's a little abrupt as is.

Aside from those two hangups I think structurally, pacing, and plot wise it works very well. I particularly liked the bookends of the relationships affected.

Overall I feel like it could comfortably be expanded a bit.. we could understand the relationship between the terrorists better.. we could understand there motivations better.. we might check in with Lily once in the middle.. Give Katy a friend in the classroom maybe..
none of that crucial - it works as is, but if you wanted to expand it, I think the characters and situations you've set up could support a feature.

Oh, and there are typos all over the place.. but you probably knew that.

But yeah.. key words "not bad".

Ahh, typos, we meet again.

Thank you for your feedback, I will take a look at the interaction between Rafiq and Katy again and see what i can do with it.

The reason is that Katy's mum is a member of parliament, I didn't it to be too expository, what about if when Asad say's about the "daughter of member of parliament" it cut to her face so as to make it more obvious?

I've also added in some motivation for Asad, I've added in that the UK keeps some "unofficial POW's" one of which is Asad's father.

As for making it a feature film, I'd love to one day, it has the potential and i already have the plot to that planned out (the whole thing was a distraction for Asad's father to escape, the SAS team then ruthlessly hunt him down), but at the moment i lack the funding to do that so for now it will have to stick to being a short film.

I know it's a bit lengthy so thank you for taking the time to read it and give me your feedback.

Spencer

Aaron M · Nov 30, 2011

I should say that page 3 didn't load for some reason, so I only read eighteen pages. >.< But as I recall I missed something between the introduction of the terrorists and what's his name introduced as a teacher. (sorry, I should have mentioned that in the first post)

If the daughter was the primary motivation I would think that just after they take the cell phones from the students (nice touch, by the way) they would strait up ask who Katy was. She doesn't respond. They hold a gun to the teachers head. She does respond.

the over all narrative wouldn't have to change - just maybe add when making the terrorist demands: "We have this many hostages including the family of key members of parliament. (I don't really know the specifics of how the government works in the UK, but I imagine it's not TOO different from the states, and you probably have certain sort of "stars" of politics. Someone who might be considered KEY to certain issues.. (global terrorism for example))

But either way - you definitely seem to be on the right track. You appear to know what you're doing with these characters. And frankly you did a pretty good job of introducing kind of a LOT of them and then closing their story arcs in a really short period of time. (kind of impressive, actually.)

Abraxas Studios · Dec 7, 2011

Aaron M said:
I should say that page 3 didn't load for some reason, so I only read eighteen pages. >.< But as I recall I missed something between the introduction of the terrorists and what's his name introduced as a teacher. (sorry, I should have mentioned that in the first post)

If the daughter was the primary motivation I would think that just after they take the cell phones from the students (nice touch, by the way) they would strait up ask who Katy was. She doesn't respond. They hold a gun to the teachers head. She does respond.

the over all narrative wouldn't have to change - just maybe add when making the terrorist demands: "We have this many hostages including the family of key members of parliament. (I don't really know the specifics of how the government works in the UK, but I imagine it's not TOO different from the states, and you probably have certain sort of "stars" of politics. Someone who might be considered KEY to certain issues.. (global terrorism for example))

But either way - you definitely seem to be on the right track. You appear to know what you're doing with these characters. And frankly you did a pretty good job of introducing kind of a LOT of them and then closing their story arcs in a really short period of time. (kind of impressive, actually.)

Thank you, I will take in to account what you said, I had in mind that they already know who she is as they have been planning it for a while.

Thank you for that last paragraph too, it was a nice confidence boost, I will be taking another look over the script later today, I'll see what changes I will be making.

RSStB · Dec 7, 2011

Hey, good stuff. It's a brisk, entertaining read.

This may seem really nit-picky, but try to avoid the passive tense. For example, on page 1, instead of, "James is walking around the kitchen making tea and straightening his tie," it would read better if you wrote, "James walks around the kitchen as he makes tea and straightens his tie." Hollywood script readers hate a passive voice. I realize you're not writing for Hollywood, but passive voice is just kind of a writing faux pas so I try to iron it out of all of my writing.

There are some grammar errors, like on page 1 when Lily says, "How can you of all people complain about me not listening, you never listen!" It should be written as, "How can you of all people complain about me not listening? You never listen!" There are a lot of commas where different punctuation should be. There're also a handful of sentences in the script that don't end with any punctuation.

There may be too many characters. I don't know. You introduce Henderson on page 7, then Griffin on page 9, and then Alan on page 12. Could you combine some of these characters into one? I feel like because the script is under 20 pages, you may want to stick to a smaller cast of characters, or else each character won't get the attention they need. As an alternative, you could introduce all three characters on page 7 during the scene in the situation room, so that all the characters are established before the story progresses past the midpoint. On page 7, you introduce Daveys, but he never comes back into the story after this scene, so you could just replace him with Alan.

I agree with the commenter who didn't buy the affection between Katy and the terrorist. Maybe work on making that more believable.

Good luck. Hope I could help. Cheers!

Abraxas Studios · Dec 7, 2011

Thank you all for your help. If someone could help me improve the relationship between Rafiq and Katy i would be very thankful. I need to make it mean more.

Any help is appreciated