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Short film script

S, there are just too many wryly's, not enough conflict - the relevance of their collage backstory - can't been seen, or even heard through dialogue.

Plus it feels stagnant - add some movement, maybe get them outside... maybe a garden or something.

It reads like a first draft, please don't take this the wrong way - it needs a lot more action, emotion and subtext - too 'on the nose' for me... sorry.

S, if you decide to shot it as is, then I'd at least get some movement into it - it's just too stationary as is.

Respectfully, Jim.
 
Not sure why there'd be any formatting issues (there are), but if you've written this in Celtx, you should just be able to go to the "TypeSet/PDF" bottom tab and select "Save PDF" at the top. The formatting should be fine. The formatting of this document makes it difficult to read.

Anyway, some quick points...


"He was born into a wealthy family and earned a large amount of money after having graduated from an Ivy League college."

"She is attractive and also went to the same Ivy League college as he did. However, she was not born into money like him and instead got into college on a scholarship."

You don't write this sort of thing in a screenplay. You can't show this on screen, so it doesn't matter. If you want to show it, perhaps by showing us a framed certificate on the wall, write that in the action line. Also, tell us about the house, you could easily convey the characters wealth with a quick description of the house.


(she pauses, as if trying to form the right words from a thought she is grappling with in her head)

(looking at her, his expression is not one of shock or sorrow, it is simply empty)

You've got a lot of detail here in these parenthesis. You probably want to put things like this into the lines of action. In a correctly formatted screenplay, parenthesis like these would probably take up half a page!


I like some of your dialogue, I can imagine these people saying these things. The trouble with the whole thing is that it doesn't go anywhere. It's not a story. It's a scene. It feels like a small part of a bigger picture. You've given us two people talking, that's it. I know nothing about these people, so I don't really care about them. They're splitting up? So what?

I think this is a good starting point for you to build a bigger story around, you just need to give us a reason to care about these people.
 
I think this is a good starting point for you to build a bigger story around, you just need to give us a reason to care about these people.
My brother said the same thing actually. I'd like to make a bigger story from it, I'm just wondering what sort of plot to tie around it and how many other characters to add etc.
 
It's an interesting fight because the mannerisms of the two characters almost suggest a twinge of danger, or psychotic rage beneath the smiles. I can imagine a very unique directing style for this. However, the previous posters were right about the delivery of background information in the beginning being unnecessary.

Also, I noticed the characters repeat themselves quite a bit. Either this should be made into a clear point, or altered to deliver more physical information. For example, "You don't care" may be better the second time as "This is just like the time so and so did this and you were blah blah blah" or something that reveals subtext. Utter chilliness during an argument may seem brilliant, but not if it doesn't help to reveal something to explain what's led up to this point (being nice to each other instead of mean).
 
You may call me fussy but i didn't even read that because of the layout. Have a look at some other scripts and take note of the way it's all laid out and the fonts etc. It'll make it much more attractive and easier to read.

But from what other people are saying it sounds good, good luck with it
 
I'm glad people like it :)
I'm gonna expanding it, adding another couple and having some things come to the surface from a meeting they have, with that scene appearing nearer the end.
 
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