Very nice script I liked it. I can tell you some things I noticed that are not my opinions
but what I learned from analyses on my script from big companies like "PAGE Awards"
and by reading books on screenwriting.
- Don't put CONTINUED.
- Separate the action every 3 - 4 rows, not less.
- It's good to capitalize the names only when you introduce them.
- Don't put action as parenthetical, write it as action bellow or above the dialog.
(David taps on the dispenser bottle)
- Be very careful about the small mistakes: "ALICE puts a her hand...". It is very
annoying for the reader. The readers in the big companies read hundreds of scripts
every day and when they see a mistake in the first 6 pages they quickly calculate
that by the page 120 they will see 20 mistakes and they don't continue reading.
I can tell you my opinion. It's great, the plot flows slowly without exaggerations or
unnecessary hurry. All the scenes make the story go forward. Also, I like some cinematic
things you have like "tapping on the water cooler", or "raising an eyebrow". I think these
shows that you are sure about your story!
There is something I didn't like too much. It is the lie that Alice said about the
conversation with her brother. She worries about David going out so she believes it's
dangerous but she doesn’t care about all the others! Also, maybe I'm wrong,
but I don't get how they have radio signal but not cell phone signal.
Also, there is, in my opinion, a major drawback which destroys everything.
There is no surprise in the end. The end is almost completely without emotions.
It's like having a perfectly arranged watercolor set.. without the painting.
I was waiting for a big surprise at the end, and suddenly I saw the word "END".
If this was the first 6 pages of a full movie then it would be perfect.
I imagined an ending when I was reading it the second time, something like this:
The cell phone signal never comes and David never talks to his wife. Everyone
is very frightened in the office as the dust cloud is getting bigger slowly. Alice says
to everyone that for a moment her signal came and called her brother who told her
that an apartment complex in town has collapsed, but they have to stay inside for
a while because of the huge amount of dust. That calms everyone in the office.
Then Alice and James goes a bit further to talk. When they return the ask where is
David. Jane says he left, he wanted to go to his wife, he said it's just the dust of the
apartment complex, he'll be ok. James and Alice look to each other with faces full of
terror like they are looking at a ghost. Jane asks surprised "what?". Alice says "we
lie just to calm the people. We don't know what is happening out there". The three,
turn frightened and look at the big dust cloud.
Something like that, I don't know...
About the logline. Again, not my opinion but what I have learned.
Logline is not a small description of the movie. It's more of the spontaneous answer to a
friend who asks "what is this movie about?". Also, try to fit always your logline in only one
raw. I've seen a coverage sheet of a big Hollywood studio, not the coverage we pay for, but
the coverage that the reader of the studio gives to the boss to decide whether the studio
will spend money on that script. In that serious sheet, there is only one line for the reader
to write the logline. Not two, not one and a half.
I suggest this logline:
A man confronts an unknown danger outside the window, to go next to his wife.
My english are not good but you get it. You can use better words than "confronts" or
"go next to".
Generally, talking like someone who read your script and imagined the movie, I like the script
and I think you are awesome story thinker and writer. I like that kind of plots! Just add in your
psychology the craving to surprise the shit out of your audience! Now it's like a beautiful cake
with a triangle piece missing.
