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Does this keep your interest?

TheOpusFuller

TheOpusFuller

Something I was writing a while back. Blowing the dust off and taking another pass over it. How does this read? Keep your interest?

Thanks.


Code: 
OVER BLACK.                                                      
                                                                           
                              HICKS (V.O.)                                 
                    You win some and you lose some...                      
                                                                           
          FADE IN:                                                         
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. PORTER’S PUB - MEN’S BATHROOM - DAY                         
                                                                           
          TED, a beefy fellow, dressed in an unbuttoned floral shirt       
          slams his fist into DAVID HICK’S stomach.                        
                                                                           
          The look on David’s face speaks a thousand words. This           
          doesn’t feel pretty.                                             
                                                                           
                              HICKS (V.O.)                                 
                    God, If that statement were only                       
                    true...                                                
                                                                           
          Another blow to the stomach and we FREEZE on David’s busted      
          face.                                                            
                                                                           
                              HICKS (V.O.) (cont’d)                        
                    My name is Hicks, David Hicks, and                     
                    I really fucked up this time!                          
                                                                           
          FADE TO BLACK                                                    
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. PORTER’S PUB - MEN’S BATHROOM - DAY                         
                                                                           
          David lays face down on the floor, unconscious.                  
                                                                           
          His eyes slowly open. He takes a moment to gather his            
          thoughts.                                                        
                                                                           
          Then the pain finally sets in. His expression shows it too.      
                                                                           
                              HICKS                                        
                    Shit.                                                  
                                                                           
          David rolls over onto his back.                                  
                                                                           
          Towering over him, Ted searches through a wallet.                
                                                                           
                              HICKS (cont’d)                               
                    Thanks for taking it easy on me,                       
                    yeah.                                                  
                                                                           
                              TED                                          
                    Business... You know I hate to do                      
                    this to you.                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           

                                                                  2.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          David spits a mouthful of blood on the tile floor.               
                                                                           
                              HICKS                                        
                    I can tell.                                            
                                                                           
          Ted’s eyes widen.                                                
                                                                           
                              TED                                          
                    You got to be shittin’ me.                             
                                                                           
          He pulls out a few scratch off lottery tickets. Thumbs           
          through them. One falls and flutters to the ground.              
                                                                           
                              TED (cont’d)                                 
                    Scratch offs?                                          
                                                                           
          David picks up the lotto ticket. Points at Ted’s hand.           
                                                                           
                              HICKS                                        
                    I got one worth five in there                          
                    somewhere.                                             
                                                                           
                              TED                                          
                    You’re a fucking train wreck, kid.                     
                                                                           
          Ted tosses the wallet at David.                                  
                                                                           
                              TED (cont’d)                                 
                    He’s giving you three days.                            
                    Three...                                               
                                                                           
          He smiles at David.                                              
                                                                           
          David grins his blood covered teeth right back at him. Holds     
          up three fingers.                                                
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Yeah three. I got it, buddy.                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. PORTER’S PUB - MAIN BAR ROOM                                
                                                                           
          Your average pub. Except this one is littered with little        
          plastic palm trees. A hokey tourist place for sure!              
                                                                           
          David attempts to hold his posture as he stumbles back to        
          his bar stool.                                                   
                                                                           
          David eyes the Bartender, PUDDY.                                 
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Puddy, gimme a beer will ya?                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           

                                                                  3.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          Puddy, eyes focused on the overhead television, pulls the        
          tap handle forward and fills a glass with beer.                  
                                                                           
                              DAVID (cont’d)                               
                    An extra glass too.                                    
                                                                           
                              PUDDY                                        
                    What for?                                              
                                                                           
          He takes his eyes off the television and glances at David.       
          Sees his busted face.                                            
                                                                           
                              PUDDY                                        
                    Jesus, Mary and Joseph... What the                     
                    hell happened to you!?                                 
                                                                           
          David grabs the extra glass and spits a mouthful of blood        
          inside.                                                          
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Troubles in the John.                                  
                                                                           
          David grabs the beer and takes a swig.                           
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    What would you say if I asked you                      
                    for a loan, huh?                                       
                                                                           
          Puddy’s eyes go wide. He laughs.                                 
                                                                           
                              PUDDY                                        
                    I’d say, fuck you! You haven’t paid                    
                    for a beer in the past two years.                      
                                                                           
          And with that, Puddy walks away.                                 
                                                                           
                              HICKS                                        
                    I pay...                                               
                                                                           
          David takes another mouthful of beer.                            
                                                                           
                                                                           
          OVER BLACK.                                                      
                                                                           
          SUPER: DAY 1                                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. TAXI CAB - MORNING                                          
                                                                           
          An old CABBIE stares at the backseat through the rear-view       
          mirror.                                                          
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           

                                                                  4.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              CABBIE                                       
                    ... I said, that’s 12.50. You deaf,                    
                    bub?
 
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The story holds my interest, although something better happen in the next scene to introduce a complication or at least another main character, because when I see the "DAY 1" super, it makes me think as the viewer: "oh wow, is this going to go exactly how I think it is?" And you never want a viewer/reader to think that.

In terms of the writing itself, I would use a lot more "laters," and a lot less re-headlining when the character isn't really moving more than a few feet. Unless I'm mistaken, proper screenwriting format doesn't necessitate a complete re-setting of the scene when, for instance, someone is just moving from the bathroom to the bar. It just creates a disconnect between what you're READING and what you would be SEEING. You can't always maintain the same sense of pacing that you'd get from watching the action unfold cinematically, but trying to maintain a fast pace is a pretty important part of screenwriting. These are just nitpicky bits.

Interesting beginning, would read more and hope that some significant wrench gets thrown into this guy's search to get back the money he owes.
 
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You switched his name in the middle of it.

First he's Hicks.

Then suddenly he's David.

I'm like -- David, who? What? I go back and then assume it's the same person. Keep it consistent.

That in and of itself is enough to get me to click on. I really have no patience for screenplays. I look for any reason whatsoever to toss the thing -- like any reader.

It was an okay opening. But, the character is still a little thin. What makes this Hicks/David worth following compared to any other beat down loser out there??? (Where's his third dimension?)
 
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Last -

Thanks for the comments and feedback. Day 1 is only the start of things, my man! Don't worry, things will happen. This is only three to four pages in, just establishing the character a bit and the situations to come.

I see what you mean about using the slugs. Especially in that beginning chunk when he blacks out and regains consciousness.

polfilm -

Totally missed the inconsistent use of his name. Thanks for catching that. So you think the character is a little thin? I really don't know what his third dimension is. Perhaps he has one and I just don't know what it is. Have any advice on making him more dimensional? Gladly appreciate it!

Thanks again for taking the time to read, guys/gals!
 
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If the location changes, use a slugline. Always. A Bar and a Bathroom could very easily get shot in two physically different locations even though they are implied to only be a few feet apart. That's not your decision. That's the decision of the production company. And if you imply that a camera is following him single-take from the bathroom, down the hall, and to the bar, that's also not your job to decide, although, technically, neither is the freeze frame. Fine if you're writer/director, but not fine if it's a spec script.

Anyway, agreed that there's a missing third dimension to the character to make it more engaging. Right now he's just some broke loser in a bar who hasn't paid his tab in two years. Makes me wonder what Puddy is getting out of the deal. In any normal situation, he'd have been out on his ass a long time ago. And if he can't pay his bar tab, what the hell made the guy who beat him up think that he'd have any cash on him?
 
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The relationship between Hicks and Puddy goes back a long way. That's why the bar tab isn't a huge issue. One of the reasons why I tried to make the exchange between the two more playful. That was my intentions anyways.

The guy that beat him up has no clue that Hicks doesn't have money. Just because Puddy knows Hicks is spent and broke doesn't mean Ted knows this. Ted is kind of the muscle to a character introduced later on. His job is to get the money. Plain and simple.

Would love more advice on this third dimension if possible. Thanks for the replies and interest people.
 
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TheOpusFuller said:
Would love more advice on this third dimension if possible. Thanks for the replies and interest people.
Click to expand...

Try adding something that isn't explained outright: an item in the wallet, Puddy says something that only they understand, etc. It can be anything. Just give a reason for us to want to know more about Hicks.

The story is important, but how the story affects your character is the key.
 
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I found a Reservoir Dogs quote that seems relevant:
HOLDAWAY
The things you gotta remember are
the details. It's the details
that sell your story. Now this
story takes place in this men's
room. So you gotta know the
details about this men's room.
You gotta know they got a blower
instead of a towel to dry your
hands. You gotta know the stalls
ain't got no doors. You gotta
know whether they got liquid or
powdered soap, whether they got
hot water or not, 'cause if you do
your job when you tell your story,
everybody should believe it. And
if you tell your story to somebody
who's actually taken a piss in
this men's room, and you get one
detail they remember right,
they'll swear by you.
Click to expand...
 
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TheOpusFuller said:
Okay, so we're talking more about adding subtext and not a third dimension to the character?

So subtext brings out a third dimension?
Click to expand...

The third dimension is still about the character. Right now, he's your stereotypical barfly, down on his luck, who owes money to some seedy characters. We've seen that hundreds of times in cinema. You know what would add an interesting dimension? Make him a cop and reveal that at the end of the scene with Puddy. That would really spark the "oh, shit" factor in the reader and also add subtext to the free beer.
 
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The cop route, while it sounds like a cool idea to add that extra oomph, wouldn't work with the story. Especially what comes next.

I'll give this bit of info though which is revealed later in ACT II. Hicks owes the money to his father.
 
Last edited:
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TheOpusFuller said:
The cop route, while it sounds like a cool idea to add that extra oomph, wouldn't work with the story. Especially what comes next.

I'll give this bit of info though which is revealed later in ACT II. Hicks owes the money to his father.
Click to expand...

Didn't mean for it to be your story. Just an example of how to add dimension in the opening sequence. Find a way to make your character unique. :)

2D = A thug with big muscles and small brain
3D = A thug with big muscles and a Ph.D in astro physics who has an obsession with U.F.C.; doesn't need the money, but needs to hurt people

2D = Hooker with a heart of gold
3D = Hooker with a deadbeat husband and young children who's secretly trying to make ends meet the only way she knows how, the only thing she's ever been good at, all the while taking online courses in Ministry.

:cheers:
 
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I liked it. It's gritty. I don't think all the dialogue works and there are some formatting points, but it catches my attention.

You changed from HICKS to DAVID. This is confusing. Theoretically, you report what the audience is seeing. So if you're talking to a STRANGER and later learn that the STRANGER is really TOM, your sister's lover. At that point you can transition the script: STRANGER to STRANGER/TOM to TOM. Since you tell us his name upfront, just decide if he's HICKS or DAVID and be consistent.

I'm not as obsessed with 2D/3D in the first 5 pages. Because often, as a writer and viewer, we are still learning about them. But by page 15, the character needs to be breathing (3D). And in shorts, IMO, there is nothing wrong with 2D characters as long as the audience has some rapport. Yeah, I can like the RUGGED HERO without knowing his personal history as long as his actions convey to me, I wish I knew this guy better. If you evolve this into a feature then by all means, create that depth.

Rules you use to write a novel don't work as well for a short story. Basic principles apply but you learn to not throw in all the detail that Lit teachers love. "Selective Elaboration" I think you pull that off well in some of the scenes above.

"My name is Hicks. David Hicks" unfortunately comes across as too cliche. And whether intentional or not, it immediately causes the viewer to try to draw a parallel between your character and James Bond.

Lots of stories are re-treads. Half of our "new movies" are simply re-writes of old Saturday Morning Cartoons or old movies. As you tell your story, add your own flares. I've seen Shakespeare plays re-imagined in a number of settings. For me, "Forbidden Planet" is a unique and classic re-write of "The Tempest". Tell your story.

You've gotten feedback on the formating. Again, while everyone likes to say formatting is standardized, it really isn't so. There are some basics that you do need to follow. Especially starting out. It makes it easier for readers who need to screen new scripts to do fast reads. Consistency is really important. Good formatting helps alot.

We have some tough critics in this group but really they help alot. But if you really believe in your script, keep working on it.
 
Last edited:
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FantasySciFi said:
I liked it. It's gritty. I don't think all the dialogue works and there are some formatting points, but it catches my attention.

You changed from HICKS to DAVID. This is confusing. Theoretically, you report what the audience is seeing. So if you're talking to a STRANGER and later learn that the STRANGER is really TOM, your sister's lover. At that point you can transition the script: STRANGER to STRANGER/TOM to TOM. Since you tell us his name upfront, just decide if he's HICKS or DAVID and be consistent.

I'm not as obsessed with 2D/3D in the first 5 pages. Because often, as a writer and viewer, we are still learning about them. But by page 15, the character needs to be breathing (3D). And in shorts, IMO, there is nothing wrong with 2D characters as long as the audience has some rapport. Yeah, I can like the RUGGED HERO without knowing his personal history as long as his actions convey to me, I wish I knew this guy better. If you evolve this into a feature then by all means, create that depth.

Rules you use to write a novel don't work as well for a short story. Basic principles apply but you learn to not throw in all the detail that Lit teachers love. "Selective Elaboration" I think you pull that off well in some of the scenes above.

"My name is Hicks. David Hicks" unfortunately comes across as too cliche. And whether intentional or not, it immediately causes the viewer to try to draw a parallel between your character and James Bond.

Lots of stories are re-treads. Half of our "new movies" are simply re-writes of old Saturday Morning Cartoons or old movies. As you tell your story, add your own flares. I've seen Shakespeare plays re-imagined in a number of settings. For me, "Forbidden Planet" is a unique and classic re-write of "The Tempest". Tell your story.

You've gotten feedback on the formating. Again, while everyone likes to say formatting is standardized, it really isn't so. There are some basics that you do need to follow. Especially starting out. It makes it easier for readers who need to screen new scripts to do fast reads. Consistency is really important. Good formatting helps alot.

We have some tough critics in this group but really they help alot. But if you really believe in your script, keep working on it.
Click to expand...

Fantasy -

Thank you for the words. Helped a lot and I'm gladded you enjoyed it for the most part.

Yes, the name change was intentional. This is a first draft. Spelling, grammar, etc. are definitely in need of fixing, including this name change issue. I will fix that going forward.

I also agree with you about the 2D/3D. The character does have a few layers the more the story progresses. This is only the first 4 pages so as the story unfolds, so do the layers with Hicks.

I agree. The "I'm Hicks, David Hicks...." kind of always bugged me. I think it would be more effective if I removed it.

I definitely will keep working at it. I may post another 4 or 5 pages tonight.

Thanks again!
 
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Here are the next few pages.

2 new characters are introduced.


Code: 
  SUPER: DAY 1                                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. TAXI CAB - MORNING                                          
                                                                           
          An old CABBIE stares at the backseat through the rear-view       
          mirror.                                                                          
                                                                           
                              CABBIE                                       
                    ... I said, that’s 12.50. You deaf,                    
                    bub?                                                   
                                                                           
          Hunched over, David digs through his bag.                        
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Yeah, here.                                            
                                                                           
          The Cabbie interrupts.                                           
                                                                           
                              CABBIE                                       
                    12.50!                                                 
                                                                           
          David Pulls out a few bunched up bills.                          
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Yeah. 12.50...                                         
                                                                           
          He hands the Cabbie the money. Exactly thirteen dollars.         
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Keep it.                                               
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. BUS STATION - MORNING                                       
                                                                           
          The Cab quickly pulls away.                                      
                                                                           
          David hoists his grungy duffel bag over his shoulder and         
          walks towards the building that colossals in front of him.       
                                                                           
          A large neon sign illuminates the surrounding area.              
                                                                           
          ’MINUTE EXPRESS BUS STATION’                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. BUS - MORNING                                               
                                                                           
          David twists and turns his way down the cramped bus aisle.       
                                                                           
          He eyes each person as he walks by.                              
                                                                           
          Kids fussing about. Parents are just as bad.                     
                                                                           
          An empty group of seats toward the back grab David’s             
          attention.                                                       
                                                                           
          David takes a seat and tosses his duffel bag beside him. He      
          leans his head back and takes a deep breath.                     
                                          
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. VIKTOR’S APARTMENT - EVENING                                
                                                                           
          Someone pounds on the front door of a cluttered, unkept          
          apartment.                                                       
                                                                           
          VIKTOR ELSON (30s) sits on a worn, outdated couch. Sweat         
          beads off his forehead under his greasy, slicked back hair.      
                                                                           
          A dingy, partially closed bathrobe barely keeps him covered.     
          He stares at the front door.                                     
                                                                           
                              MAN (O.S.)                                   
                         (yelling)                                         
                    I know you’re in there, now open                       
                    the fuckin’ door!                                      
                                                                           
          Viktor takes a handgun that’s hiding next to him and points      
          it towards the door.                                             
                                                                           
                              MAN (O.S.) (cont’d)                          
                    If you don’t open the door, i’m                        
                    gonna kick the fuckin’ thing down.                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT. HALLWAY - SAME                                              
                                                                           
          GEORGIE RASTELLI (40s) is a husky fellow with a squishy          
          face. He sweats profusely but seems to be used to it.            
                                                                           
          With a pistol at his side he beats on the door again.            
                                                                           
                              GEORGIE                                      
                    Vik!? Alright Then!                                    
                                                                           
          Georgie puts his hand on the door and takes a step back. He      
          takes aim at the doorknob.                                       
                                                                           
          -BANG-                                                           
                                                                           
          A bullet blasts through the door from inside the apartment,      
          blowing off two of Georgie’s fingers.                            
                                                                           
          Georgie screams in agony as he pulls his hand away from the      
          door.                                                            
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT. APARTMENT - SAME                                            
                                                                           
          Smoke pours out of Viktor’s gun as he continues to stare at      
          the door.                                                        
                                                                           
          He can hear Georgie screaming from the other side.               
                                                                           
          Viktor speaks in a heavy Russian accent.                         
                                                                           
                                                                                         
                                                                           
                              VIKTOR                                       
                    You come in here you’re dead! You                      
                    hear me! Fucking dead!                                 
                                                                           
          Viktor gets up off the couch and walks towards the door with     
          his pistol still at aim.                                         
                                                                           
                              VIKTOR (cont’d)                              
                    Fucking Dea...                                         
                                                                           
          Before Viktor can even finish his sentence, Georgie kicks        
          open the door.                                                   
                                                                           
          Viktor looses his gun as he falls to the ground.                 
                                                                           
          Georgie walks in and grabs Viktor’s throat with his two          
          finger shy, blood covered hand.                                  
                                                                           
          He points his gun at Viktor’s forehead and -- BANG --            
                                                                           
          Viktor falls limp to the floor.                                  
                                                                           
          Georgie grunts in pain as he walks over and sits on the          
          couch. Gasps for air. Tries to catch his breath.                 
                                                                           
          He grabs an opened bottle of beer from the coffee table and      
          takes a swig.                                                    
                                                                           
          Blood oozes from the stumps that were once his ring and          
          pinky finger. He cringes in pain.                                
                                                                           
                              GEORGIE                                      
                    Bastard!                                               
                                                                           
          A briefcase and duffle bag across the room catches his eye.      
                                                                           
                              GEORGIE (cont’d)                             
                    Hello!
 
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I guess the scene with Viktor and Georgie is intentionally graphic but it doesn't work for me. But I found myself scratching my head.

(1) If the door was locked, I can understand Georgie wanting to shoot the lock. But I would definitely not put my hand on the doorknob before I shot the lock off. In fact, I would stand back and off to the side. I'd shoot off the lock and then kick the door open from the side using the wall as a shield.

-OR-

(2) If the door is locked and I'm rattling it. Viktor would shoot the door. I'd imagine it would take a fairly large gauge to do the damage you describe. Also the back two fingers nearest the body. If Georgie was right handed (holding the gun), was he facing the door or trying to open it with his lefthand?

I think just having him shot in the side or leg would be sufficient. The heightened tension from the silence after Viktor's shot, then the crash as the door is kicked in and Georgie goes for Viktor's throat should be enough. The missing fingers seems overkill at this point in the script.

I like the way you develop the scene and characters. It's the action sequence that doesn't quite work for me.
 
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Hey Fantasy,

Thanks for the reply!

Again, just to note, this is the first pass so any kind of confusion can be cleaned up in the second rewrite.

Georgie doesn't put his hand on the doorknob. He puts his hand on the door.

Basically Georgie is right up close to the door. Hugging the door practically yelling through at Vik who is on the other side. He then takes a step back, steadies himself with his open hand flat on the door. Getting ready to fire at the lock and BANG. Vik fires the shot first blowing off Georgie's fingers.

But yes, I see how it could seem like overkill. His fingers come into play later in the story when a cop pulls someone over.

I'll definitely make note of this action scene and do another pass during the rewrite.

Thanks again Fantasy!
 
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Let me preface this by saying you should do whatever you want. These are only notes/suggestions:

Code: 
SUPER: "DAY 1."    

INT. TAXI CAB - MORNING                                          
                                                                           
          An old CABBIE stares at the backseat through the rear-view       
          mirror.                                                                          
                                                                           
                              CABBIE                                       
                    ... I said, that’s 12.50. You deaf,                    
                    bub?                                                   
                                                                           
          Hunched over, David digs through his bag.                        
                                                                                                                                                      
                              CABBIE                                       
                    12.50!                                                 
                                                                           
          David Pulls out a few bunched up bills.                          
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Yeah. 12.50...                                         
                                                                           
          He hands the Cabbie the money. Exactly thirteen dollars.         
                                                                           
                              DAVID                                        
                    Keep it.

Losing a couple lines of dialogue and narrative tightens up things and you don't lose anything.


Code: 
EXT. BUS STATION - MORNING                                       
                                                                           
          The Cab quickly pulls away.                                      
                                                                           
          David hoists his grungy duffel bag over his shoulder and         
          walks towards the building that colossals in front of him.       
                                                                           
         A large neon sign with the words "MINUTE EXPRESS BUS STATION" illuminates the area.

Just some cleaning.

You could change "fussing" to "fuss".


Code: 
 MAN (O.S.)                                                                           
                    I know you’re in there, now open                       
                    the fuckin’ door!                                      
                                                                           
          Viktor takes a handgun that’s hiding next to him and points      
          it towards the door.                                             
                                                                           
                              MAN (O.S.) (cont’d)                          
                    If you don’t open the door, i’m                        
                    gonna kick the fuckin’ thing down.

The "yelling" parenthetical isn't necessary. The exclamation point and situation imply it for you.

Make sure to make the guns specific. Ex: Colt .45

Code: 
Georgie pushes against the wall. 

He throws a hand on the door, ready to shove it aside. He aim steadies on the doorknob and--

BANG                                          

A bullet blasts through the door from inside the apartment, blowing off two of Georgie’s fingers.                                                                                
                                  
Georgie screams in agony as he pulls his hand away from the door.

That's a little clearer maybe.

Code: 
VIKTOR (cont’d)                              
                    Fucking Dea--

The hyphen indicates an interruption more than an ellipsis.

Code: 
          He points his gun at Viktor’s forehead and gives Viktor's brains some air.

The BANG moment was used for the hand shot. And while the above is awful, I think you get where I'm going.

I really like your short and sweet character descriptions. Just enough to paint an image.
 
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