I need a script doctor STAT

Well I lied it's definitely over ten pages. Right now I'm hovering around 20. I suppose there is probably fat to cut out before I have a final version. I've actually taken quite a bit of advice from the people from this forum so thank you so much for that. If anybody would like to take a look at it, or you know help "doctor" it, that would be super cool. Just let me know and I'll shoot you a link to the most current version.
 
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