Comedy Script (manic superbad type comedy)

It's not bad, although I think the chavs are written quite condescendingly and patronisingly.

I also find your premise a bit confusing - as the character's main problem isn't so much other people's perception of him as his perception of himself.

I quite like the idea of the ending (switching perspectives) but I'm not sure it works too well - it doesn't seem consistent with everything that's gone before.

Some of the monologues are very nicely written though - the cat lady one especially.

What was your last film?

Can you explain what a chav is? I googled it but still don't understand.

A chav is really a derogatory term for people with a particular crude, brash attitude, but it has become more generally a middle-class snobbish term to ridicule white, working class/unemployed people with those characteristics. I guess the closest US equivalent would be "white trash"?

The archetypal chav would wear designer sportswear at all times despite being unemployed and not doing any sports, lots of bling, drink to excess in public (street corners etc), and have a barely-controlled violent dog hanging around solely to intimidate people.

There is a popular theory that the word is an acronym for Council House And Violent, but that seems to be BS (even if it is pretty accurate)

A chav is really a derogatory term for people with a particular crude, brash attitude, but it has become more generally a middle-class snobbish term to ridicule white, working class/unemployed people with those characteristics. I guess the closest US equivalent would be "white trash"?

The archetypal chav would wear designer sportswear at all times despite being unemployed and not doing any sports, drink to excess in public (street corners etc), and have a barely-controlled violent dog hanging around solely to intimidate people.

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Got it, thanks. Pretty good script - good luck with the shoot!

Hey maz

Thanks for the reply. So yeah, the chav character might be a bit of caricature, but thats intentionally done to show how the main character's perception and fears run off, the way the chavs act in the takeaway are more in Mark's imagination than anything. Unless you're talking about the dialogue with the chavs after its revealed that they're friendly, well I guess they are a bit cartoony, even then, maybe I should tone it down a bit.

Yes so the premise is that he was letting his perception of himself be dictated by other peoples perception of him, thats his folly. So when he sees the girls with weapons and swords its symbolic of the power THEY have over how he feels about himself, they can make him feel like shit, they can make him hurt. Does that make any more sense?

The ending is a bit risky but I think I'm gonna go for it anyway, if we can pull it off it could be really nice, if not I'll chalk it up to experience, but its something different anyway. The point here is that, again as with the chavs, and everything else, Mark's own neurotic worries and predictions have been proven wrong. I guess this kind of a sub-plot. The main premise is that he shouldn't let other peoples perceptions dictate his own perception of himself. Because other people's perceptions hold so much sway over him he grows to fear other people, girls especially. But I've tried to show as well that his fears of other peoples perceptions are wildly inaccurate as well and not a great thing to measure yourself by. So its, 1) Don't let other peoples perceptions of you dictate how you see yourself - 2) Its hard to guess what other people think about you anyway, so its not a great thing to measure yourself by. Now that you've mentioned this though I'm starting to realise I need to link these two messages a bit more in the dialogue, should clarify the premise and hopefully make the ending a bit smoother, would you agree?

My previous film was really ridiculous but it went down well at a local film festival, heres a link if you wanna check it out. I'd give it until the 1:30 mark as things don't quite become clear until then

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6Jc187uLO4

rianlemon said:

Hey maz

Thanks for the reply. So yeah, the chav character might be a bit of caricature, but thats intentionally done to show how the main character's perception and fears run off, the way the chavs act in the takeaway are more in Mark's imagination than anything. Unless you're talking about the dialogue with the chavs after its revealed that they're friendly, well I guess they are a bit cartoony, even then, maybe I should tone it down a bit.

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Yes, I'm talking about the dialogue. It reads like it was written by someone who has heard of chavs, but never really interacted with people from that section of society.

Yes so the premise is that he was letting his perception of himself be dictated by other peoples perception of him, thats his folly. So when he sees the girls with weapons and swords its symbolic of the power THEY have over how he feels about himself, they can make him feel like shit, they can make him hurt. Does that make any more sense?

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It does make sense, but in reality if other people have that power over him then he has deeper problems with himself that are not so easily solved by a Hollywood pep talk.

In truth, the criticism is probably not relevant to a fun little comedy film, it just annoys me when these sorts of quite serious issues are dealt with quite so glibly by wrters and directors.

The ending is a bit risky but I think I'm gonna go for it anyway, if we can pull it off it could be really nice, if not I'll chalk it up to experience, but its something different anyway. The point here is that, again as with the chavs, and everything else, Mark's own neurotic worries and predictions have been proven wrong. I guess this kind of a sub-plot. The main premise is that he shouldn't let other peoples perceptions dictate his own perception of himself. Because other people's perceptions hold so much sway over him he grows to fear other people, girls especially. But I've tried to show as well that his fears of other peoples perceptions are wildly inaccurate as well and not a great thing to measure yourself by. So its, 1) Don't let other peoples perceptions of you dictate how you see yourself - 2) Its hard to guess what other people think about you anyway, so its not a great thing to measure yourself by. Now that you've mentioned this though I'm starting to realise I need to link these two messages a bit more in the dialogue, should clarify the premise and hopefully make the ending a bit smoother, would you agree?

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My main problem with the ending is that Mark actually is a dick, the way he's written - hypocritically harping on like the king of romance while being quite the opposite in his actions and his dialogue. I struggle to see why any girl would be interested in him, especially after he's made a fool of himself in front of them. He's a very dislikable character, for me.

My previous film was really ridiculous but it went down well at a local film festival, heres a link if you wanna check it out. I'd give it until the 1:30 mark as things don't quite become clear until then

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6Jc187uLO4

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I'll check it out! Where in the UK are you based? Where will you be making this?

maz said:

Yes, I'm talking about the dialogue. It reads like it was written by someone who has heard of chavs, but never really interacted with people from that section of society.




It does make sense, but in reality if other people have that power over him then he has deeper problems with himself that are not so easily solved by a Hollywood pep talk.

In truth, the criticism is probably not relevant to a fun little comedy film, it just annoys me when these sorts of quite serious issues are dealt with quite so glibly by wrters and directors.




My main problem with the ending is that Mark actually is a dick, the way he's written - hypocritically harping on like the king of romance while being quite the opposite in his actions and his dialogue. I struggle to see why any girl would be interested in him, especially after he's made a fool of himself in front of them. He's a very dislikable character, for me.




I'll check it out! Where in the UK are you based? Where will you be making this?

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Yeah the chav needs toned down a bit, been working on a new script today, should have it ready by tomorrow and it'd be awesome if you could check it out when its ready.

I understand your frustration with people taking those issues lightly, but I'm not just using these issues as a tool to make my film more interesting, I'm making a film about issues that have affected me and trying to make it in a fun way, because ultimately I think if someone is suffering with issues like this it can sometimes help to watch something relatable and fun to bring levity to your situation. I know of course in the real world problems like this aren't solved with a pep talk, but I think the actual message of the film is one that might help some people and could even get them taking a small step in the right direction.

Yeah, thats a fair criticism of the ending. I had it in the back of my mind that in reality the girl probably wouldn't be interested. But bear in mind that she hasn't seen all his actions, she doesn't know him, thats kind of the joke as well. That she's trying to imagine what hes like and she's got it all horribly wrong. I suppose I should elaborate that in her narration a bit more. Also, it doesn't come across in the script but she's supposed to be very drunk which excuses her from not being turned off by Mark's breakdown. And finally, theres that age old adage about girls liking assholes haha, but yeah the ending needs some work as well.

I'm located in Belfast and the film will be shot there too, what about yourself?

rianlemon said:

Yeah the chav needs toned down a bit, been working on a new script today, should have it ready by tomorrow and it'd be awesome if you could check it out when its ready.

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Sure, although I'm probably the least qualified person on this forum to offer advice!

I understand your frustration with people taking those issues lightly, but I'm not just using these issues as a tool to make my film more interesting, I'm making a film about issues that have affected me and trying to make it in a fun way, because ultimately I think if someone is suffering with issues like this it can sometimes help to watch something relatable and fun to bring levity to your situation. I know of course in the real world problems like this aren't solved with a pep talk, but I think the actual message of the film is one that might help some people and could even get them taking a small step in the right direction.

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You'll have to forgive me, I looked at your user name and assumed you were a female!

Yeah, thats a fair criticism of the ending. I had it in the back of my mind that in reality the girl probably wouldn't be interested. But bear in mind that she hasn't seen all his actions, she doesn't know him, thats kind of the joke as well. That she's trying to imagine what hes like and she's got it all horribly wrong. I suppose I should elaborate that in her narration a bit more. Also, it doesn't come across in the script but she's supposed to be very drunk which excuses her from not being turned off by Mark's breakdown. And finally, theres that age old adage about girls liking assholes haha, but yeah the ending needs some work as well.

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You definitely need to emphasise the beer goggles angle more, as I didn't get that impression particularly. She describes him as 'dynamite' - I don't think anyone who fits that description would ever lack female attention, so it still doesn't ring true for me. But if it's based on your own experience and you are indeed dynamite, then who am I to argue ?

Also, I've never been in a bar where staff are allowed to get drunk on shift (although admittedly I haven't spent much time in Ireland

I wonder if it would be better to introduce the barmaid sooner - give her more to do earlier on in background of the scene, make her a bit nervous serving him, or smiling a little too much, looking upset when he doesn't pay attention to her etc so observant viewers will notice something - then the ending is a bit more 'earned' as a payoff.

I'm located in Belfast and the film will be shot there too, what about yourself?

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The boring Midlands. Is Belfast as grim as the news makes it out to be?

maz said:

Sure, although I'm probably the least qualified person on this forum to offer advice!



You'll have to forgive me, I looked at your user name and assumed you were a female!



You definitely need to emphasise the beer goggles angle more, as I didn't get that impression particularly. She describes him as 'dynamite' - I don't think anyone who fits that description would ever lack female attention, so it still doesn't ring true for me. But if it's based on your own experience and you are indeed dynamite, then who am I to argue ?

Also, I've never been in a bar where staff are allowed to get drunk on shift (although admittedly I haven't spent much time in Ireland

I wonder if it would be better to introduce the barmaid sooner - give her more to do earlier on in background of the scene, make her a bit nervous serving him, or smiling a little too much, looking upset when he doesn't pay attention to her etc so observant viewers will notice something - then the ending is a bit more 'earned' as a payoff.



The boring Midlands. Is Belfast as grim as the news makes it out to be?

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No worries, people always get confused with my name haha

So the bargirl isn't actually a bargirl, thats my bad for using a confusing name, shes just a girl at the bar on a night out. Need to change that name haha, instead of the beer goggles I've went with a different angle, and I've also went the complete opposite direction with the chav's speech. Heres the new script, made some changes throughout the whole thing, see if it reads any better, clearer.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7LZss_5Lv1jUnEtaVpVcXU1blE/view?usp=sharing

Ahh Birmingham per chance? I went to uni there for 3 years, belfast is pretty grim yes haha but probably exaggerated how bad it is, I think a lot of the people here have a miserable attitude/mindset as well which doesn't help, but theres enjoyment to be had if you know where to look