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Web Series too dialogue heavy?

I've posted these scripts on another thread, but I made this one to specifically address the issue of dialogue. As I was skimming through them I noticed that most of it is dialogue, barely any description or action. While I might be able to account for most of that with the fact that I'm writing it as a no-budget project, there should still be action that can take the place of the dialogue and still convey the same information....

Here are the scripts of the first two episodes of the web series I am writing:

Episode 1: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwG3a1ofIz5VcEs5TURyR0ZnSms/view?usp=sharing

Episode 2: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwG3a1ofIz5VU2RzTFhfOWJMdW8/view?usp=sharing

So yeah, I'd appreciate any thoughts on the dialogue. Any comments on that is fine, but also mainly dealing with whether or not there's too much of it and what I could do to remedy that.

I am perfectly happy having a dialogue-heavy web series so long as it works. I just need to know that it works.

Thanks!
 
There is a major problem, not with the dialogue, but the story elements. The dialogue magnifies it. You jump between issues raising too many to be adequately resolved. Just reading through episode one: musician, gang attack, guy in a coma, girlfriend issues, suicide, aliens and mystery device.

Let me be clear, I think you have some solid ideas but pacing what you present to the audience is really important. Episode one should have a resolvable story as well as hook for episode two. Just as important, episode one helps to establish the characters and the nature of the series. As such, it needs to be very compelling.

So, you need to develop your characters. While you go into detail introducing Marcus, we know very little about Joseph. What is Joseph like? What is Marcus? Is he a cop? detective? How do they know each other? We don't need to know about the girlfriend issues at the moment. The suicide element is really out of place too at this juncture.

It felt very illogical that the police chief (Joe) is evacuating the police building without an alarm which would have alerted the guitar-playing (Marcus). If on the job, why is he playing a guitar? Accepting "OK they have to leave the building" why do they then travel to investigate a 'guy in a coma' so nonchalantly? And in all this scene where there should be emotional urgency--get out of the building, check on a guy in a coma--they talk about girlfriend problems? You are stringing together stereotypes and plot elements without regard for the underlying emotions. This is where you really need to think through scenes for emotional and action continuity.

My suggestion is you need to simplify and reprioritize the flow of the story to make the characters feel more natural and responding to actual events.

1. Have Joe playing his guitar with a picture of Kara on his desk introduces the elements subtly. You can elaborate on that later. Have him answer a telephone call from Joe and say he'll be there.
2. Marcus meets Joe at the house. Joe briefs him on the situation with the man and a recent gang attack on HQ.
3. Joe asks Marcus about rejoining the force and Marcus explains about Kara wanting to start a family in a safe place. Marcus asks Joe about his retirement plans. They pass through police tape to go inside.
4. Inside Joe and Marcus meet a DOCTOR who is studying the helmet. The doctor updates them. Marcus puzzles over the control device. Doctor explains its unclear if they can unhook the man safely. Joe and Marcus are puzzling out who the victim is when ...
5. The gang pulls up outside. Joe calls for backup and takes a place at the window and fires shots. Marcus takes the front door.
6. A stray bullet shoots the man in the device. Sirens in the background still the gang attempt to enter. The doctor, Marcus and Joe beat a hasty retreat except for a slight hesitation as Marcus runs back to grab the device and helmet before leaving.
7. Final scene, the leader of the gang bursts in with a couple guys. He finds the old man shot and the device missing. He storms about then kicks over a table. "Find them. Get the device."

I realize this is low budget so be mindful of your scenes. At the same time, police officers would never abandon a live person. At the least, they'd have unhooked him and taken him to a hospital. You need to give a believable reason why he'd be abandoned. Somebody had to report him in the first place. If so, medical personnel would be called. Having a doctor there is needed for both protocol and dramatic reasons. Here is someone who can give believable "scientific/medical" advice. It sounds hokey coming from a guitar strumming ex(?)-cop. Having three people also provides for some useful dynamics. The doctor can be male or female. It doesn't need to be a major role but threesomes provide stability. Maybe the doctor wants to stay but a call from HQ to Joe says the station is also underattack so no backup is available. They pull the doctor away. Your audience needs to feel justified that the characters are compelled to act the way they do.

Last point, end your series with a powerful note. A cliff hanger. Ending with the villain introduces the main characters you want the audience to follow. They may (and often do) change over time, but it gives something for the audience to want to see.

Now you've introduced the characters, made clear that the device is important. We have a sense of who Joe and Marcus are. We have dynamics set up for Marcus (sensitive one), Joe (courageous one) and the doctor (logical one). You've introduced a mystery partially explained. Inside the house, Marcus and Joe interact with the doctor and environment to piece together information about their victim. More will be revealed in episode two obviously.

As written, episode one is all over the place and needs to be more focused and direct in plot development. However, the content itself is interesting and worth developing. Good job.
 
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There is no problem with a drama being dialogue-heavy, as long as the dialogue in question is interesting/compelling/funny in some way. A bigger problem than the dialogue, as I mentioned in the other thread, is that you don't really have episodic stories, and that's why it lacks excitement. If you want to make a feature length film with a feature length story, then do that instead!

Another major problem is that, as you described in the other thread, the post-apoc-style setting is crucial to both the story and the characters - so it needs to be more clearly conveyed somehow, so that viewers understand the world in which the story takes place, and the limitations and unusual working conditions the 'detectives' are working under. That stuff can't just exist in your head.

Good luck!
 
There is a major problem, not with the dialogue, but the story elements. The dialogue magnifies it. You jump between issues raising too many to be adequately resolved. Just reading through episode one: musician, gang attack, guy in a coma, girlfriend issues, suicide, aliens and mystery device.


Last point, end your series with a powerful note. A cliff hanger. Ending with the villain introduces the main characters you want the audience to follow. They may (and often do) change over time, but it gives something for the audience to want to see.

As written, episode one is all over the place and needs to be more focused and direct in plot development. However, the content itself is interesting and worth developing. Good job.

Thanks so much for your in-depth answer. You really took the time to analyze it. A couple things first, though that were probably my fault for not making clear in the script. The attack on the station that Joseph mentions at the beginning was just a joke. That is why Joseph sits down calmly and says 'you jump higher every time' - he's done this sort of thing before to Marcus (showing how serious Marcus is versus Joseph's lighthearted nature). Hopefully it would come out more clearly through the acting, but there might be a way for me to be more clear about that in the script too. The alien protection line is also meant as a joke so that isn't a story element that will come up later.

It's interesting that you think there are too many story elements in the first episode because I struggled with the whole web series format being so short and wondering if enough stuff is happening in each episode. That being said I definitely don't want the episodes to go longer than 10 minutes.

1. Have Joe playing his guitar with a picture of Kara on his desk introduces the elements subtly. You can elaborate on that later. Have him answer a telephone call from Joe and say he'll be there.

Good idea. I might actually do this. It introduces Kara, but I wonder if it might make people think that she is dead already? And I'd still like to introduce the conflict between him and Kara not just Kara as a character.

2. Marcus meets Joe at the house. Joe briefs him on the situation with the man and a recent gang attack on HQ.
3. Joe asks Marcus about rejoining the force and Marcus explains about Kara wanting to start a family in a safe place. Marcus asks Joe about his retirement plans. They pass through police tape to go inside.

Again, there wasn't an attack on HQ. Marcus could meet Joe at the house but I don't see what that would solve besides maybe cutting down the length a bit. And there would be no police tape =) It will be more clear as the story goes on with the next episodes. But essentially there is an extremely small police force because this is set in semi-apocalyptic times (apocalyptic not in the natural disaster sense, but all of the world's governments have been taken over or shut down, so there is basically no law and order. This community is one of the last few civilized places and Marcus and Joseph are volunteering themselves to keep order)

4. Inside Joe and Marcus meet a DOCTOR who is studying the helmet. The doctor updates them. Marcus puzzles over the control device. Doctor explains its unclear if they can unhook the man safely. Joe and Marcus are puzzling out who the victim is when ...
5. The gang pulls up outside. Joe calls for backup and takes a place at the window and fires shots. Marcus takes the front door.
6. A stray bullet shoots the man in the device. Sirens in the background still the gang attempt to enter. The doctor, Marcus and Joe beat a hasty retreat except for a slight hesitation as Marcus runs back to grab the device and helmet before leaving.
7. Final scene, the leader of the gang bursts in with a couple guys. He finds the old man shot and the device missing. He storms about then kicks over a table. "Find them. Get the device."

It's not just that it would be a low budget production, it's that it would also be a low experience production. I'm writing this to shoot with other college film students (not an actual film school, just film major at regular college) so the emphasis is really to have it as simple as possible while still telling an interesting story, so that we can focus on things like cinematography and direction without scenes being too complicated.

I'm not sure the Doctor would be entirely necessary. I'm trying to keep the character list down, but also it doesn't fit with the setting. Marcus and Joseph are really doing a lot of things on their own and also this man lives outside the walls of the main community, so a doctor probably wouldn't go all the way out there.

The 'clean-up gang' that is mentioned doesn't know anything about the device - they are unrelated. They are just a gang that runs through old towns and raids them for resources (this is why most people live in the walls - the old man is an anomaly) Joseph doesn't call for back up because they don't care/can't really do anything about gangs outside the walls and there wouldn't be enough manpower anyway.

Also, it's really important to show Marcus struggling with the old man's death. This comes up later with his backstory and his entire motivation for the rest of the series.

Anyway, you raise some great points and I don't mean to put them down because I think my script is perfect. Please let me know if you still think these points are issues after understand a bit more about the story.

I'd definitely want to know if anyone else had these same thoughts. In my mind a lot of these points are just passing comments in the script and I feel like they don't complicate things at all. It's just part of the background. When I wrote them I didn't picture them as big revealing plot points, just things that might stick in the back of the viewer's mind until a more developed focus to those points is brought up. Part of the world and character building process.

As for the cliff-hanger endings, I've tried to map out each episode with an ending on a major thought or revealing moment but as the story is relatively simple I don't know what else I can do really... The first episode ends with the discovery of this strange machine - the second episode ends with them finding out what the machine is...

There are a lot of things I need to work out with this story and each time I make an excuse or ignore anything you say, please tell me if you think I am just wrong. =)
 
There is no problem with a drama being dialogue-heavy, as long as the dialogue in question is interesting/compelling/funny in some way. A bigger problem than the dialogue, as I mentioned in the other thread, is that you don't really have episodic stories, and that's why it lacks excitement. If you want to make a feature length film with a feature length story, then do that instead!

Fantasy SciFi mentioned this as well, but I don't know how to get around this problem with this story. In my outline of the season there is a general episodic structure in that there is a major reveal or character moment at the end of each episode. I'll lay it out here:

Episode 1 - Discovery of the strange machine

Episode 2 - They find out that it is a time machine

Episode 3 - Marcus gets a message from the machine creator and the creator seems to know about his parents' suicide - show Kara sneaking in to take a look at the machine

Episode 4 - Cases continue to rise of people using the machine. Marcus gets kidnapped

Episode 5 - Joseph and a small group of officers find Marcus with the machine creator - Marcus forces the creator to use his own machine

Episode 6 - Back to safety and with the creator out of the way, Marcus decides to finally have that picnic with Kara but when he gets home he sees that Kara has made her own machine and used it

Episode 7 - There aren't many people left in the community. Joseph tells Marcus that he is going to use the machine too and they say their goodbyes.

Episode 8 - Marcus is basically the last person in the town. He finally gives up and uses the machine.

These are the endings I have in mind for each episode. The final few will depend on whether or not there will be a second season or if this will be a standalone season.

To me, these work as incentives to watch the next episode. Now, if you are talking about episodic structure as in most cop shows where they have one case each episode and there is a similar format for each episode then I guess that's just not what this show is trying to be.... Is that what you're talking about?

Another major problem is that, as you described in the other thread, the post-apoc-style setting is crucial to both the story and the characters - so it needs to be more clearly conveyed somehow, so that viewers understand the world in which the story takes place, and the limitations and unusual working conditions the 'detectives' are working under. That stuff can't just exist in your head.

Yes, that is a problem.... but I don't know how to introduce all of that information in these short episodes while I am also trying to put in some character development and progress the story at the same time. If I had a huge budget and full VFX team I could easily just show the entire community and how unpopulated and run down it is and show the giant walls around the town and the gangs running around outside.

I can try to add in some relevant dialogue pertaining to their situation, but I should also show things visually. At this point in the process I don't know what kind of locations or resources we'll be dealing with, but definitely when I'm at that stage I will try to show the situation as clearly as possible through the environment.

Do you think that it's necessary to explain all this in the first episode or does it work if this information slowly trickles in throughout the series? In other words is there enough content to give curiosity to viewers even though they don't have a clear picture of the setting?
 
To me, these work as incentives to watch the next episode. Now, if you are talking about episodic structure as in most cop shows where they have one case each episode and there is a similar format for each episode then I guess that's just not what this show is trying to be.... Is that what you're talking about?

No, there's no reason for it to be a cop show, but each episode has to have some degree of internal coherence and structure - a challenge, a struggle, and a resolution, sort of like the 3-act structure in feature films on a much smaller scale. These don't have to be huge dramatic things, but they have to be compelling enough to keep a viewer's interest. Take an episode of just about any narrative TV drama and you'll see that structure not just in the season-long arc but in the individual episodes too.

In the other thread, I suggested the detectives not just stumbling across the man in the house, but having to find their way there through the lawless world outside the walls, giving the opportunity for some scene setting and some snappy dialogue between the detectives to let us get to know them better. Or maybe there being a mystery that they have to solve before reaching the man. And then ending on the dilemma of whether to risk their lives (and the man's) by taking the device with the sound of the approaching gang all around them. Leave the viewers thinking "what will they choose? how will they get out this dilemma?"

Yes, that is a problem.... but I don't know how to introduce all of that information in these short episodes while I am also trying to put in some character development and progress the story at the same time. If I had a huge budget and full VFX team I could easily just show the entire community and how unpopulated and run down it is and show the giant walls around the town and the gangs running around outside.

I can try to add in some relevant dialogue pertaining to their situation, but I should also show things visually. At this point in the process I don't know what kind of locations or resources we'll be dealing with, but definitely when I'm at that stage I will try to show the situation as clearly as possible through the environment.

Do you think that it's necessary to explain all this in the first episode or does it work if this information slowly trickles in throughout the series? In other words is there enough content to give curiosity to viewers even though they don't have a clear picture of the setting?

I think if the setting is so relevant in limiting the detectives, then that needs to be clear, either visually or through judicious use of exposition, in the first episode. Otherwise viewers will reasonably get the wrong idea, just like FSF did. Think of the setting as another character, that characters will interact with and be limited by; how are the viewers going to learn about this extra 'character'?

If you get really stuck (and I'll probably get shot for this by the other writers on here :)) you could just do what BSG/Star Wars did, and put up some captions at the start explaining the collapse of society and setting the scene etc. It might even be the best solution for a budget-restricted web series, even if it isn't technically the most elegant solution... :)
 
No, there's no reason for it to be a cop show, but each episode has to have some degree of internal coherence and structure - a challenge, a struggle, and a resolution, sort of like the 3-act structure in feature films on a much smaller scale. These don't have to be huge dramatic things, but they have to be compelling enough to keep a viewer's interest. Take an episode of just about any narrative TV drama and you'll see that structure not just in the season-long arc but in the individual episodes too.

In the other thread, I suggested the detectives not just stumbling across the man in the house, but having to find their way there through the lawless world outside the walls, giving the opportunity for some scene setting and some snappy dialogue between the detectives to let us get to know them better. Or maybe there being a mystery that they have to solve before reaching the man. And then ending on the dilemma of whether to risk their lives (and the man's) by taking the device with the sound of the approaching gang all around them. Leave the viewers thinking "what will they choose? how will they get out this dilemma?"

Okay, that could definitely work. I don't know if I'd be able to fit a 'journey' of sorts to reach the man in the first episode, but maybe it would be better to end the episode before they decide what to do with the man and the machine. I'll definitely have to try that out. EDIT: The challenge, struggle, and resolution thing - like you said it doesn't need to be huge and dramatic... Is the way I've done it not obvious enough in that structure? I present the problem (the case) to the main character, he investigates and finds something. Next episode the challenge is to find out what the machine is, so he investigates, and at the end finds out what it is... If there's anything that I'm missing it's probably the conflict... He doesn't struggle much to find out what it is (besides chasing down Chuck). But again, there's not much time to do all this in each episode...

I think if the setting is so relevant in limiting the detectives, then that needs to be clear, either visually or through judicious use of exposition, in the first episode. Otherwise viewers will reasonably get the wrong idea, just like FSF did. Think of the setting as another character, that characters will interact with and be limited by; how are the viewers going to learn about this extra 'character'?

If you get really stuck (and I'll probably get shot for this by the other writers on here :)) you could just do what BSG/Star Wars did, and put up some captions at the start explaining the collapse of society and setting the scene etc. It might even be the best solution for a budget-restricted web series, even if it isn't technically the most elegant solution... :)

Haha, yeah. I did think about that and I still might do that if there isn't a better option. Otherwise I thought about doing a 'prologue' episode before the actual story starts with the characters in episode 1. This prologue episode would have that expositional text and show some visuals (maybe through animated graphics or television news) of the decay of governments around the world. It would just be a couple of minutes long but it would serve as a primer for the series.
 
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Thanks so much for your in-depth answer. You really took the time to analyze it. A couple things first, though that were probably my fault for not making clear in the script. The attack on the station that Joseph mentions at the beginning was just a joke. That is why Joseph sits down calmly and says 'you jump higher every time' - he's done this sort of thing before to Marcus (showing how serious Marcus is versus Joseph's lighthearted nature). Hopefully it would come out more clearly through the acting, but there might be a way for me to be more clear about that in the script too. The alien protection line is also meant as a joke so that isn't a story element that will come up later.
You can't use irony or humor until the audience knows the characters. It's like being an outsider to inside jokes. As an actor, I'd have no clue from your script that this was a joke. You've done nothing to establish them as characters which is critical for any script--webseries, short or feature. The biggest failing I see in scripts is the writer assumes what is obvious in his/her mind is evident in the script.

It's interesting that you think there are too many story elements in the first episode because I struggled with the whole web series format being so short and wondering if enough stuff is happening in each episode. That being said I definitely don't want the episodes to go longer than 10 minutes.
Let me clarify. If you present a story element, it needs to be fully developed. What you did is raise points that you never develop in this pilot. In a webseries you should have no more than 2 or 3 elements. The main element of the series, the main element of the episode and a continuing element that links it to the next episode. So for this you episode you want to introduce the good & bad guy(s), the device, and something that links to the next episode. Below is the typical format for a television program which can be easily adapted to a webseries:

TEASER: 2-3 pages title sequence & commercial break
ACT I: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT II: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT III: 10-12 pages commercial break
ACT IV: 10-12 pages commercial break
TAG: 2-3 pages credits

This matches very closely to the standard 3-Act structure:
Act 1A - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
Act 1B - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
Act 2A - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
Act 2B - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
Act 3A - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Act 3C - Resolution and the Ever After

In adapting your story as an example, I suggested:
Act 1A - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
1. Have Joe playing his guitar with a picture of Kara on his desk introduces the elements subtly. You can elaborate on that later. Have him answer a telephone call from Joe and say he'll be there.
Act 1B - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
2. Marcus meets Joe at the house. Joe briefs him on the situation with the man and a recent gang attack on HQ.
3. Joe asks Marcus about rejoining the force and Marcus explains about Kara wanting to start a family in a safe place. Marcus asks Joe about his retirement plans. They pass through police tape to go inside. [some character development]
Act 2A - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
4. Inside Joe and Marcus meet a DOCTOR who is studying the helmet. The doctor updates them. Marcus puzzles over the control device. Doctor explains its unclear if they can unhook the man safely. Joe and Marcus are puzzling out who the victim is when ...
Act 2B - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
5. The gang pulls up outside. Joe calls for backup and takes a place at the window and fires shots. Marcus takes the front door.
Act 3A - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
6. A stray bullet shoots the man in the device. Sirens in the background still the gang attempt to enter. The doctor, Marcus and Joe beat a hasty retreat except for a slight hesitation as Marcus runs back to grab the device and helmet before leaving.
Act 3C - Resolution and the Ever After
7. Final scene, the leader of the gang bursts in with a couple guys. He finds the old man shot and the device missing. He storms about then kicks over a table. "Find them. Get the device."

Obviously what you thought your script presented was not the clear to me as a reader. There's lots of unwritten backstory. You may find it helpful to make your episodic stories to fit that format. TV writers often have to follow a very rigid format as outlined above.

Good idea. I might actually do this. It introduces Kara, but I wonder if it might make people think that she is dead already? And I'd still like to introduce the conflict between him and Kara not just Kara as a character.
When I see a photo, I don't immediately assume the person is dead. I have a photo of my wife on my desk. My point is, in the first episode, Kara is irrelevant to the immediate plot which is learning about the device. You have later episodes to visit that topic. Having her picture on the desk and Joe asking "How's Kara" and Marcus replying "Eager to move as usual" is enough for the audience at this point and suggests some dynamics.

Again, there wasn't an attack on HQ. Marcus could meet Joe at the house but I don't see what that would solve besides maybe cutting down the length a bit. And there would be no police tape =) It will be more clear as the story goes on with the next episodes. But essentially there is an extremely small police force because this is set in semi-apocalyptic times (apocalyptic not in the natural disaster sense, but all of the world's governments have been taken over or shut down, so there is basically no law and order. This community is one of the last few civilized places and Marcus and Joseph are volunteering themselves to keep order)
Then that is where you need to do more development. If it didn't happen, don't say it. The audience won't know that if your first scene starts with a guy strumming a guitar. That and an old 50s office doesn't suggest post-apocalypse. You're introducing your viewers not only to the characters but the world they live in. You just told me information that's not in your script.

In this case, meeting him at the house may actually work to help you give a sense of the new world order they live in. Now the audience sees deserted streets and broken down homes. Possibly signs in windows that speak of the apocalypse. The visual cues don't require exposition and your audience now starts to understand the setting. If this is "Mad Max" environment, you need to make that obvious. Nothing in the script suggests the setting is other than contemporary experience.

It's not just that it would be a low budget production, it's that it would also be a low experience production. I'm writing this to shoot with other college film students (not an actual film school, just film major at regular college) so the emphasis is really to have it as simple as possible while still telling an interesting story, so that we can focus on things like cinematography and direction without scenes being too complicated.
I appreciate that. But if you don't make a project that interesting to watch, why waste time making it? I think you can do this fairly low budget. You need an office space, a broken down house exterior, a living room space. You might need some shots along a back alley for background. And it should be possible to round up at least 8-9 actors: Joe, Marcus, Doctor, Kara, Victim and 2-3 hooded villains. The 2 or 3 hooded villains can play other roles later.

I'm not sure the Doctor would be entirely necessary. I'm trying to keep the character list down, but also it doesn't fit with the setting. Marcus and Joseph are really doing a lot of things on their own and also this man lives outside the walls of the main community, so a doctor probably wouldn't go all the way out there.
Again, your script does nothing to develop that idea. I think the man is a very interesting feature. Who is he? Why does he live on the periphery? How would two law officers know anything about the science needed to make sense of this device? Sorry, Marcus and Joe seem pretty dim. And as I asked before, in a lawless land, who would care if this old guy is in a coma enough to call a police department that is largely useless? The doctor may be the creator and we (audience, Marcus and Joe) don't know that yet.

Audiences expect MOVIE LOGIC to parallel REALITY LOGIC in that it is consistent in a predictable way. Who would call them? The old man is in a coma. If I were Joe or Marcus, I'd be very suspicious and think it might be a trap. How were they called? If the government is no longer working, who's making the electricity or providing communication services? Have big businesses taken over the role of government? What does it look like for a citizen in this environment? Yes, I know you want to make a simple short. Part of my feedback though is that you're worrying about dialogue when the bigger issue is the story and structure.

The 'clean-up gang' that is mentioned doesn't know anything about the device - they are unrelated. They are just a gang that runs through old towns and raids them for resources (this is why most people live in the walls - the old man is an anomaly) Joseph doesn't call for back up because they don't care/can't really do anything about gangs outside the walls and there wouldn't be enough manpower anyway.
Again, that's in your mind, not in the script. Be very careful because a script is a blueprint that needs to layout the details of the movie world for the audience, actors and production crew. As the writer, you are privvy to knowledge that's not available to us in your script.

Even if you don't want to have them know anything about the device, how come they chose that house to attack? As a viewer, it seems cause-effect. If you want to convey that it's random, you should include a scene of the group rampaging the area prior to Joe and Marcus arriving. Otherwise, it appears they are not only involved with hooking the man up to the machine but became alerted to the police arriving. It suggests a possible set-up. Since our first exposure to the man is when Joe and Marcus find him hooked up with no further explanation, you leave the audience to struggle to find meaning. And as in my case, it may not be the way you intended. Part of the craft of screenwriting is leading the audience into your world and guide their experience. You need to give the audience a villain. The gang leader may be a red herring for the actual villain who is revealed later. Giving the audience someone to suspect is a useful tool. As far as the audience knows, the gang is key to the old man's demise. Leverage that. Especially if the doctor is the creator. S/He can throw off suspicion to the gang, perhaps working both sides. S/He may have been walked in on unexpected by the pair forcing the subterfuge. Lots of possibilities to explore.

Also, it's really important to show Marcus struggling with the old man's death. This comes up later with his backstory and his entire motivation for the rest of the series.
That's fine but you didn't do enough to develop that. As written it comes across as he's saving his own skin. If that's the case, he should have tried to save him and failed. Pushing the red or gray button. Removing the helmet. Disconnecting the power. Leaving him just reads cowardly and unlike a police officer. To me, that was very unbelievable. And especially so if this post-apocalyptic. Why even go there in the first place? Why call the police instead of an ambulance for a guy in a coma?

Anyway, you raise some great points and I don't mean to put them down because I think my script is perfect. Please let me know if you still think these points are issues after understand a bit more about the story.
I think they continue to be issues because what is playing out on the screen doesn't reflect that backstory you have playing in your own mind in writing the scenes. I think you have some great ideas but they're not obvious. I want to be clear, I'm not saying that my suggestion above is how you should write your script. It's just an example of how you want to structure the story. But you have to be very careful in a 10 minute episode to focus only on the elements that are important to that episode.

I'd definitely want to know if anyone else had these same thoughts. In my mind a lot of these points are just passing comments in the script and I feel like they don't complicate things at all. It's just part of the background. When I wrote them I didn't picture them as big revealing plot points, just things that might stick in the back of the viewer's mind until a more developed focus to those points is brought up. Part of the world and character building process.
Unfortunately, given the non-cohesiveness of the world and characters at this juncture, these points are more distracting than useful. Always in the first two episodes focus on character development and central plot. I know very little about Joe. The humor between them is lost because it presupposes a relationship not available to us.

As for the cliff-hanger endings, I've tried to map out each episode with an ending on a major thought or revealing moment but as the story is relatively simple I don't know what else I can do really... The first episode ends with the discovery of this strange machine - the second episode ends with them finding out what the machine is...There are a lot of things I need to work out with this story and each time I make an excuse or ignore anything you say, please tell me if you think I am just wrong. =)
Finding a device isn't very interesting in as much as really all they did is steal a switch. Maybe they'll pawn it to buy food or something. They're policemen, so why would they care? Save a device and sacrifice a citizen? Not very logical. You need to give the ending some urgency. Who else wants the device? What special thing does it do that makes it important? What would make me need to see episode two? Am I emotionally invested in Joe and Marcus to find out more?

I appreciate you're doing this with friends. It has problems but should be easy to shoot. It shouldn't take much effort though to enhance your script to address the points raised about making your "in-the-head" story play out more visibly in the script.

At the end of your episode I should have a strong sense of the kind of people Marcus and Joe are. I should understand the world they operate in through visual depiction in the script. Their actions in this world should be logical and consistent with our expectations. I should know the obstacles and antagonists they must overcome. I should have a sense of the goal even if the full explanation of the device comes later. You need to drive me to want to know what happens next in an ongoing series.

Can all that be done in 10 minutes? Of course! Many excellent shorts are done in 4-5 minutes. Look at how they develop character and story. Review the 6 steps above and watch the clip I used as an example in a film workshop. What do we know about the characters? Is the logic of the world consistent? What are the goals and obstacles? What was resolved? What was left open? I use this piece because there is no dialogue. A good script should be visual and be able to tell the majority of its story without a word. While the music is an important element, it can be appreciated even without the sound.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ePWK0qfisE
 
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Alright, I'm gonna take a stab at rewriting the first episode with these things in mind. I'll post it as soon as I'm done.
Thanks so much for all the feedback so far! All of the points are great and while I feel like I have good reasons to do the story the way I've done I'm trying to force myself to get over my preconceptions and biases as to what I want the story to be (or how I think that is best accomplished).
 
Don't forget the aural world of the character; we all listen so automatically that we never think about it. But we all react automatically to certain sounds. Some sounds can be memory triggers, some can provide place (i.e. the tolling of "Big Ben"). Some sounds, at least regionally, can indicate the season (I've always got lots of migrating geese going by this time of year).

Go through your script and take notes like it's your first pass at a radio play. Make notes about important sounds in the sonic world of your story. You won't use most of it in the script, but it is first impressions, so don't chuck it - besides being a new insight into your own work it will come in handy when you start on preproduction and the shooting script.
 
Don't forget the aural world of the character; we all listen so automatically that we never think about it. But we all react automatically to certain sounds. Some sounds can be memory triggers, some can provide place (i.e. the tolling of "Big Ben"). Some sounds, at least regionally, can indicate the season (I've always got lots of migrating geese going by this time of year).

Go through your script and take notes like it's your first pass at a radio play. Make notes about important sounds in the sonic world of your story. You won't use most of it in the script, but it is first impressions, so don't chuck it - besides being a new insight into your own work it will come in handy when you start on preproduction and the shooting script.

Yes, definitely! I picture (hear) this world as very quiet actually. All the civilized spaces don't have much going on and it's a very eerie silent space, that makes it all the more unnerving when gangs show up in loud jeeps, yelling and throwing molotovs. I will see if I can get that feeling to come off in the script...

I guess the main thing is that I'm forgetting that the audience is new to this world and I'm trying to introduce them to the characters, but forgetting to introduce them to the setting and the feel of this world.
 
Yes, definitely! I picture (hear) this world as very quiet actually. All the civilized spaces don't have much going on and it's a very eerie silent space, that makes it all the more unnerving when gangs show up in loud jeeps, yelling and throwing molotovs. I will see if I can get that feeling to come off in the script...

If the atmosphere is quiet, it's not really quiet. In a quiet environment "small" sounds are heard with more clarity, taking on the job of heightening the quiet. Your men in loud jeeps would potentially/probably be heard from a long way off, depending upon where their destination is situated, giving your character(s) lots of warning.
 
If the atmosphere is quiet, it's not really quiet. In a quiet environment "small" sounds are heard with more clarity, taking on the job of heightening the quiet. Your men in loud jeeps would potentially/probably be heard from a long way off, depending upon where their destination is situated, giving your character(s) lots of warning.

Yes, I didn't mean it like it's quiet so I don't need to worry about sound, but stuff like footsteps, opening and closing doors, would also be very noticeable. Good point about having lots of warning though.
 
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