Hi, Gregory
I’ve read the first ten pages, which is all I have time for now. The concept is VERY ambitious and, despite some issues with the opening scene (page 1 through page 4), I like it a lot. Some notes on the issues I have:
Page 1: I think the opening VO monologue is pretty long, especially if it’s in a foreign language with subtitles. BTW, I don’t believe “Egyptian” is a language, unless you mean ancient Egyptian, and nobody knows what that sounds like. I suspect you mean Arabic?
CHARLIE enters and says: “Doctor Alexander? Are you awake?” --Um, the man is sitting at a desk and writing. Of course he’s awake.
Page 4: “An image of the goddess ISIS, her wings spread and her arms extended: wielding a cup surrounded by glory.” --What does “glory” look like?
“We drop to the floor, discarded in fear, and watch as Charlie gets overtaken by the Cloaked Figure and knocked off screen.” --This is the first time Charlie has been mentioned since the opening. The only way this makes sense is if the camera’s POV is Charlie. But you’ve never indicated as much in the script. If it’s meant to be a reveal to the audience, that’s fine, but be careful keeping secrets from the reader, who’s not quite the same as the audience.
So, you’ve got a normal opening changing to black-and-white silent-film style with subtitle dialogue that transforms into an unconventional POV. It’s cool, but very complicated, and somehow I think you need to clarify that; it confused the hell out of me. Once we left the opening and got into the early MGM studios milieu at the height of the silent film era, things were crystal clear, and I think you captured the feel of the times exceptionally well. Not sure where this goes, but it looks to be an unconventional rom-com that could be a lot of fun. Good luck with it!
Cheers!