• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Feedback on a Drama script

cheeseandachallenge

cheeseandachallenge

Hey there,

So I'll preface this by saying that this for class, and the assignment guidelines don't really suit the stories I usually write (even though I don't consider myself a writer). We've also only had a few days to do the assignment. That's fine, that's part of the challenge - I'm just saying I know this isn't my finest work by any stretch of imagination.

Anywho, the script has to be:
- "realistic,"
- non-genre (basically drama and comedy are fine)
- shootable on no budget
- 5 pages or under
- adhering to the three act structure.

We were given a breakdown of the three act structure, which I can't find an exact description of online, though I'm sure you're all familiar with similar plot points and breakdowns. It may be the tutor's own breakdown. Anyway, it goes:
-Uneasy Equilibrium (suggestion that things aren't quite right for protag)
-Inciting Incident
-Refusal of the Call (protag refusing to engage with conflict)
-First Turning point (starting second act)
-Mid Point
-Second Act Turning Point
-Climax

Regardless of whether this is a good approach to 3-act structure (I don't think it's bad, but it's not amazing imo), it needs to follow this.

My first two concepts were rejected for 1) being unrealistic, 2) the protagonist being too goal-less (even though that's what I was trying to do). So the script does have to be pretty conventional.

Anyway, here's my rough draft. I don't have a heap of time to refine it, so I though I'd post it here for some quick feedback. Is the first act a little long? Does the protag have clear goals that we care about? Any structural or formatting issues? etc

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1cA66qv8T4WWFh6c19MbV92WGc/edit?usp=sharing
 
Last edited:
Sort by date Sort by votes
Out of interest, how do you see the beats of your script aligning with the structure you need to use? (I'm not saying it doesn't, just wondering if I'm understanding the structure correctly).
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Uneasy Equilibrium-The first moment where Rachel is hiding her phone (I think this is the weakest moment)
Inciting Incident-The text
Refusal of the Call-Susie's initial avoidance of the issue (though perhaps this also needs some work, given she walks out initially)
First TP-When they actually discuss the issue
MP-the rekindling of the relationship. Adam hints at innevitable failure.
Second TP-When Rachel cheats again
Climax (also potentially a bit weak, though I'm not sure there is really room for an option or time lock here) - Susie finally dumping Rachel. Maybe this is a bit anticlimatic too?

btw, I realised just before you posted I initially uploaded an old draft, so the version you read may have been a bit different.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Yes, the version I read was different, and the newer one makes more sense. I agree the climax is a bit obvious/weak... although the latest version has a twist that I assume is a typo (where Adam ends up with Rachel? Was that his plan all along, the manipulative bastard? etc etc :D) Not sure what else you could do with it given the page restrictions though.

The weakest scene for me is the rekindling sequence. It seems like the relationship was going pretty well until the cheating came to light, so is rekindling really necessary in that context? That sort of rekindling sequence to me suggests a long relationship that has became stale and tired rather than stopped in passionate full flow by one party's infidelity. Just doesn't seem right to me somehow.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
maz said:
Yes, the version I read was different, and the newer one makes more sense. I agree the climax is a bit obvious/weak... although the latest version has a twist that I assume is a typo (where Adam ends up with Rachel? Was that his plan all along, the manipulative bastard? etc etc :D) Not sure what else you could do with it given the page restrictions though.
Click to expand...
aha, yes indeed a typo. Maybe I could look at bringing a twist in... Though the only real twist would be the one you joked about. But yeah, it does feel kind of lacking - I'm just a bit unsure how to introduce anymore tension. Maybe spending a moment or two longer on the reveal?

The initial concept I pitched to my tutor did actually have both parties being unfaithful (though Susie was only unfaithfully emotionally), which I think lead to a stronger ending with Susie reluctantly hooking up with her mistress. But he criticised the way the character seemed confused about her life and goals (which was the point..). So it goes.

The weakest scene for me is the rekindling sequence. It seems like the relationship was going pretty well until the cheating came to light, so is rekindling really necessary in that context? That sort of rekindling sequence to me suggests a long relationship that has became stale and tired rather than stopped in passionate full flow by one party's infidelity. Just doesn't seem right to me somehow.
Click to expand...
mmkay, fair point. It probably does need some reworking. I'll try and figure out a way to economically create some sort of high point that is a bit less derivative.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Unless you had the second TP as Rachel acting cagey again in the midst of their apparent happiness, and then the climax as Susie walking in to surprise Rachel, and finding her in flagrante as it were.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I think that would actually work as a better story given the time constraints but wouldn't really adhere to the major plot points. If it's a happy ending the 2nd TP should be the "worst possible thing" that happens to the character (if it's a sad ending, the reverse) - as I see it, this is a happy ending disguised as a sad one. If the climax is the discovery of Rachel, then it kind of makes adultery the point of the script, rather than Susie's ability to respect herself.

As I said, I think doing that would make for a better story, but I guess working within in a strict rubric is the point of the assignment.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
In that case it probably needs to be the 2nd TP as Susie creeping in to surprise Rachel and discovering Rachel in flagrante but staying out of sight, and then the climax is a kind of unexpected (for Rachel) confrontation where the audience has the tension of... how will Susie react to her discovery? Will she overlook it, or will she make a stand and reject being treated like dirt? Given the way Susie is (and is described by Adam), it could go either way, and the "happy" ending will still be satisfying.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top