• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Voices - Short script, Feedback please

M

mmkp1990

Hello,

I have been quite busy writing a feature length screenplay (Which I have almost completed) and in-between written a short film screenplay that I want to show to you and ask for feedback on it.

This story is kind of important to me personally as it is loosely based on my mum's experience (though in the story I have not included a daughter).

My ambition is to get this story animated but before I get ahead of myself, there is a lot of things I need to work on in this short script. I still need to polish it and re-write it to make it tighter and should be able to condense from 8 pages to less.

But what I am asking for at the moment is for story structure of the film and whether you believe it flows nicely. After that I will work on the polishing and rewriting to make it tighter. But my main aim was to write a story as few pages possible due to potential budget, so that is why I am asking if story structure for this film is ok?

Thank you

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nNmZIYjViaFN5SXc/edit
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
Structure and flow, eh? Flow is pretty good. Structure. You open with sequences from the life of the main character that feel like a montage of all his hospital visits in his life, and then you go on with a more traditional storytelling. The opening is intriguing and gets the job done, but doesn't feel optimal later on.

A big problem is the second half FUZZY VOICES-theme. You say it is inspired by actual events, so it probably is an easy fix. Although, I don't buy the logic right now. My first reaction when he hears voices is hope, because he hasn't heard anything for so long. Now his reaction comes across as weird. Also what exactly happens at the end when everything seems to be okay again, is a bit unclear. Goes a bit too fast, I suppose.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Filman said:
Structure and flow, eh? Flow is pretty good. Structure. You open with sequences from the life of the main character that feel like a montage of all his hospital visits in his life, and then you go on with a more traditional storytelling. The opening is intriguing and gets the job done, but doesn't feel optimal later on.

A big problem is the second half FUZZY VOICES-theme. You say it is inspired by actual events, so it probably is an easy fix. Although, I don't buy the logic right now. My first reaction when he hears voices is hope, because he hasn't heard anything for so long. Now his reaction comes across as weird. Also what exactly happens at the end when everything seems to be okay again, is a bit unclear. Goes a bit too fast, I suppose.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your thoughts, very helpful. I may have to increase the length of film slightly to add some features. Really it is father loses son and wants another son (in rewrite I will include a daughter) he has son then goes deaf bit later. I think I won't make it 20 years (as it was in real life) and make it 8 years where he gets inplants. The fuzzy voices I made up, in real life my grandad heard actual voices like a ghost so if I make it his late son's voice, haunting him, then it will slowly make him go crazy. Them ending will be when his living Son saves him, it will vanish the late son and for the first time he hears his current son. That may seem better but will be slightly better. If I write it well however, no reason I can't make it 10 - 12 mins by writing the script within that many pages.

What do you think? Seems better idea?
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Not sure. When the drama is touching the structure isn't as important. Now you for a good reason want to document the whole thing. You'd probably get a stronger logline by focusing only on the deaf-theme. But who is to say what your heart should have on its mind?
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Filman said:
Not sure. When the drama is touching the structure isn't as important. Now you for a good reason want to document the whole thing. You'd probably get a stronger logline by focusing only on the deaf-theme. But who is to say what your heart should have on its mind?
Click to expand...

Yeah the reason for the film is to not only create an emotional piece, but to create awareness when it comes to loneliness. That was originally the point so I will just need to focus to on writing a good story based on my grandad's past then condense it by only selecting the important and optional parts. But I always wanted my first piece to have meaning. My grandad isn't well with his current condition but this short film will hopefully shed light at the end of tunnel for her and others with similar problems of parents struggling to stay sane in life
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top