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Old 03-03-2018, 03:56 PM   #1
Quality
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My screenplay Sample

Hey everyone, here I have for you 12 pages of my latest screenplay, The Singularity. Please review for criticism.

https://1drv.ms/b/s!Aj_aH5XahU1-gQDHthz8sCEEMudm

Last edited by Quality; 03-06-2018 at 08:51 AM.
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Old Today   #1A
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Old 03-05-2018, 04:00 AM   #2
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Seems to be deleted OP.
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:51 PM   #3
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Update.
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Old 03-06-2018, 03:54 AM   #4
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Notice - This document has been removed from Scribd.
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:03 AM   #5
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I don't know why they removed it earlier. But I updated it. I can still see it.
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Old 03-06-2018, 08:40 AM   #6
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I don't doubt that you can see it, but I can't. It still says it was removed by Scribd.
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Old 03-06-2018, 08:49 AM   #7
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Alright, I'll just use One Drive. Check my script.
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Old 03-06-2018, 07:34 PM   #8
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Ok I read through it and here are my thoughts (take them with a grain of salt):

In reading it felt like it was a BladeRunner homage. Was that the intent?

First establishing scene:
Quote:
The year 3018. The vehicles hover across the street. Some of them fly over the city, traveling to the next state. Skyscrapers glow with their flashy lights and design
Insert a SUPER with the year if the specific year is important vs. it just being sometime in the future with flying cars. "The vehicles" what vehicles? Car like vehicles?

"traveling to the next state." This can't really be shown and it doesn't really expand the world beyond the city visually.

The next scene says it's "LATER" vs "CONTINUOUS" but is it still night or now morning since it's later?

I would recommend inserting a line in the first scene that introduces the police cruiser and leads us to the CAR PARK in scene two.

I would rename the scene heading for scene two STRIP CLUB CAR PARK.

"Levitates" infers rising. "Descends down" or "dives down" or "settles down" would be better.

Describe what Jay Carter is wearing at least briefly or in some other way describe him to us visually. 30's is all there is. Weathered 30's? Grizzled? Wearing a uniform? Bladerunner longcoat?

There are some issues with English formatting:

"The man named Victor, 30s, he sits" should be trimmed to "The man, Victor (30's), sits. However I would recommend putting this info in the paragraph above where you introduce Victor.

"In Alcohol Volume?" seems a bit weird. What other meaning could a robot at a bar be meaning for "strongest"? The subsequent answer 'Yes, robot' seems unnecessary (due to the previous dialogue being unnecessary). Perhaps instead of asking the "Volume" question the robot bartender could ask "Vodka?" and instead of having Victor answer "Yes, robot" he could non-verbal nod his head or if you really want a verbal reply "fine, whatever." if he doesn't care or something else if that answer didn't agree with him, "No. Whiskey." or whatever.

Jay sliding into easy conversation with Victor seemed a bit unnatural. They are two strangers.

There also seemed to be a bit too much robotic dialogue. More than passing set pieces/extras. I would recommend trimming down if you can or think it would help move things along.

I would also not have the robot serve Jay and Victor separately, one after the other. Have the robot take both of their orders at the same time. It might be a good way (as has been done multiple times in multiple films) to introduce the two and break the ice. Both addressing the robot.

If you can condense the dialogue between the two (and the robot bartender). It feels too long but doesn't build to anything. Long chit-chat. It should have a purpose either to draw Jay/Victor together or reveal more character about each or paint their world views a bit cleaner.

That way when the bottle smash comes up it's either expected (animosity building) or unexpected (they are almost friends).

I would replace "remains" with "body" or "corpse". Remains are usually what's left of a body after a certain amount of time being dead. Usually a time enough for a certain amount of decomposition to have happened. No one walks into a murder crime scene and says "Show me the remains" they say "Show me the body" or "Let's see the body/corpse or victim, etc."

How did Jay cut his head?

Not sure what the dialogue with the EMT does to the story. If it's pertinent keep it but otherwise I would excise the entire dialogue and move to the introduction of Lieutenant Collins. Also is Lieutenant Collins a man/woman?

Also much of that dialogue could be condensed.

After reading it all my opinion is it could be cut to half the pages, be tighter. Cut out the superfluous dialogue if possible and maybe just a couple more sentences of action in each scene and character intro to give us a better more interesting world.

Hope this helps as it could be a fun little quick sci-fi action sequence.
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Old 03-06-2018, 07:42 PM   #9
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Thanks for the scrutiny. Jay cut his head because of the bottle smash. I would assume the audience would realize that.
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Old 03-07-2018, 12:09 AM   #10
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Ah! Got it. My bad for missing that.
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Old 03-07-2018, 01:58 AM   #11
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You know the old saying; show, don't tell.

You tell without showing all through this screenplay.

How does the viewer know it's 3018? How does the viewer know
some of the vehicles are traveling to the next state? How does
the viewer know the picture on the phone is a wanted man?

Look up the word “levitate”. Nothing can levitate down.

You need to check your word usage before you offer a screenplay
for criticism. It needs to be the best you can make it. You have
said so yourself when commenting on the writing of others. Example;
“Jay walks in as the doors close behind of him.” It's little things,
but little things are important, don't you think? I could point out a
dozen.

Most of your dialogue is stilted and not realistic – as if you have
watched too many TV shows and are trying to emulate them. All
the characters, including the robots, sound exactly the same. No
one has their own voice. Do people in your version of 1,000 years
from now really say, “Yes, robot” to robots? We don't say, “Yes,
waiter” to waiters today.

And everything is over-written. You use too many words when fewer
would work. Example; “A man that is at the table takes out his credit
card and slides it into the robot’s slot to pay the money.” How about,
“A man slips a credit card into a slot in the robot's chest.” And “Jay and
Victor take out their wallet to take out their credit card. Victor looks at
Jay’s wallet and sees a police badge in it. He then looks at Jay.” How
about, “They both pull out their wallets. Victor notices the police badge.”

Hard to comment on the story because it's just a cliché. Nothing wrong
here, just nothing interesting. You hit every cliché there is.
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Old 03-07-2018, 02:15 AM   #12
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One thing, when Victor says, "Yes, robot." I was more picturing it arrogantly. It's a universe where a few civilians don't like the idea of robots.
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Old 03-07-2018, 04:48 AM   #13
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I'm not going to repeat what everyone above has already said, but one thing I really didn't like is that the first essential action of our hero is being hit with a bottle. Not a great way to introduce a protagonist in my opinion, especially in an action story (unless you are trying to make him look washed up, but I don't think that was the idea).
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Old 03-07-2018, 08:09 AM   #14
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I think it's a good start because the action starts after he catches up with him. Remember he's trying to befriend him before he cuts to the chase. Jay didn't know that Victor saw that he is a cop, so I think it builds tension that way.
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Old 03-07-2018, 09:06 AM   #15
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Yeah, but he knows that he's the bad guy, doesn't he? Even if he's trying to befriend him, Victor shouldn't be able to catch him off guard just like that.
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