I like the story. However, I think the initial voiceover is too much. It actually gives away too much info. It's okay to keep it short and let some of the mystery set in to make this more powerful. Here's a quick re-write of a segment that takes out a lot of the exposition as an illustration.
Code:
INT BEDROOM - DAY
Ahmad lies on the bed. He opens his eyes.
AHMAD (V.O.)
My name is Ahmad Tei. We all
have big life questions. There is
one thing I do know -
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. BUSY ROAD - DAY
Ahmad crosses a walkway.
BAM! A bus hits him and he goes flying, hitting the pavement
limply.
Ahmad looks up as a crowd gathers around him. An older
man dressed in white walks away. His eyes close.
AHMAD (V.O.)
when I wake up, I'll be dead by
the next day.
INT. DIFFERENT BEDROOM - DAY
Ahmad lies on a different bed, wearing different clothes.
He opens his eyes with a gasp.
AHMAD (V.O.)
For as long as I can remember.
Ahmad gets up and goes into a bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
He goes to the sink and splashes water on
a STRANGER's face stares back in the mirror.
A woman enters the room.
WOMAN
Hi, sweetie. Remember the
car's in the shop.
Stranger turns as she kisses his cheek.
WOMAN
You'll need to take the metro.
He smiles and turns back.
STRANGER
Alright, honey.
The stranger starts to shave.
AHMAD (V.O.)
No matter how hard I try, it
always ends the same way.
Hand rinses the blade under the water. It lifts up
to shave Ahmad's face in the mirror.
AHMAD
This time will be different. I'll
be the one in control.
...
Voiceover works in your story because of the body switching. However, VO can get really tiring if used too much. Also, you need to be careful not to use VO to give exposition. In the segment above, I kept to your dialogue but let the mystery continue. Why did I cut it the way I did?
You say his name so following it with "Who am I?" didn't make sense. You could have said "What am I?" but really you don't want to do that. The audience is already curious about this guy. By saying, "We all have big life questions." it causes the audience to begin wondering what questions? It is a breadcrumb that raises all sorts of questions in the viewer's mind. So following it with "One thing I do know ..." focuses the whole story for the audience. All the rest of his philosophizing sounds nice but is irrelevant to your story and adds nothing to his character. It's clear he's uncertain about many things. By saying "This time will be different" it implies that this has happened many times before. Similarly, "I'll be the one in control" implies in the past, he hasn't been. Also it makes the audience wonder about the man in white. Is he the one in control?
In the first segment you have Ahmad look at the man in white. Since we find out later who the man in white is, it's better to tease the audience and draw some attention to him. Now they're more curious. You need to stop using voiceover to ask the questions the audience is already asking themselves. As in scene 8, where you have:
Code:
...
Ahmad get up, grabs a rifle and runs out of the tent. There
are soldiers running all around. He runs and ducks behind
some cover with some other soldiers.
AHMAD (V.O.; CONT'D)
Why this happens to me...
Gunshots ring past. Ahmad pops up and fires a shot but is
hit in the head.
As we are fading to black, we see the man in white walking
past, talking to an officer at a table over
a map but clearly looking at Ahmad.
Fade to black.
AHMAD (V.O.; CONT'D)
And who the man in white is.
...
Just by the repeated presence of the man in white, the audience is wondering that. They already are wondering why this is happening. Neither of those lines of dialogue add anything and in many ways they distract. Also be mindful of your sluglines. They will help with location scouting. It could as have easily been written:
Code:
INT. ARMY TENT - DAY
Ahmad lies on a cot. He opens his eyes. He sits up in
a Civil War uniform.
Screams and weapon fire outside the tent.
Ahmad gets up, grabs a rifle and runs out of the tent.
EXT. ARMY TENT - DAY
Soldiers run around. Ahmad runs and ducks behind
some cover with some other soldiers.
Gunshots ring past. Ahmad pops up and fires a shot but is
hit in the head.
Sounds muddy as he falls to his knees.
INT. MEDICAL TENT - DAY
Ahmad lies on a cot, a bandage over his head. He
glances over at a mirror to see the sweaty face of
young recruit with bandaged head streaming with
blood. He leans back.
Ahmad glances over to see an officer at a table
studying a map.
In the mirror is the same older man in white walks
along the cots of others. Ahmad grows agitated.
AHMAD
Stay the hell away from me!
Ahmad turns to face him and crashes everything beside
him as he falls off the cot grabbing his head.
Ahmad lies on the floor dead as others rush to him past
the man in white.
FADE TO BLACK:
...
The audience is smart enough to pick up this is a 'Quantum Leap' type experience. They're already wondering "Why is this happening?" and "Who's the guy in white?" Now it's clear that Ahmad knows this man in white.
I like the story. I think you can get more power if you use less VO exposition, asking what is obvious to the audience. Hint and show rather than tell. I like it. It has great potential. Good luck.
