Too wordy?

It looks good to me so far IMO, but it is hard to imagine how it ties into a story with such a small excerpt. Story is most important, and this seems like just the beginning.

Ok sweet, thank you for checking!

This just the first page from 6 page script.

First, if you're shooting this yourself - it doesn't matter.
If you're entering this into a competition - there's a fair bit of work to do.
Likewise, if you're paying someone to proof it or provide coverage.

Finally, what is and is not included requires a great deal of context for how much fluff or thrift you want or the overall piece demands.

Anything I've done here is almost subjective.


FADE IN Fade in goes first

EXT. FISHING DOCK -- DAY Then your first slug

On a quiet fishing dock, sunny skies over a clear lake,
three fishermen sit with poles in the water.

ALLEN and BILL, 50s, sit fold up chairs, overly dressed in
flashy fishing gear, but with empty steel catch tubs.

MICHAEL, 40, stands on the opposite end dressed in
t-shirt and jeans, his plastic bucket filled with catch.

Bill and Allen silently stare into the water.

Allen winces at Michale’s happy laugh mixed with the
sounds of splashing water. A trout jerks his line.

Michael’s face glows with the wide smile as he lowers
the fish into the bucket.

Throws a quick glance at dock mates.

MICHAEL
Do you guys need some help?

Allen brushes off the question with the smirk.

ALLEN
(to Bill)
Yea, help to fill my daughter’s
aquarium with the gold fish.

Michael shrugs his shoulder, and casts his line again.

BILL
(quietly)
Maybe we’re doing something wrong.

ALLEN
Trust me, we got this. I was in the
last year’s open sea water
competition.

BILL
You? In Competition?

Allen’s smiles, but his gaze fades somewhere over the lake,
in the nostalgic stare.


DISTANT SOUND OF THUNDER.

ALLEN
I was somewhere in the middle of
the Pacific, when the storm began..

CUT TO:

EXT. STORMY OCEAN -- NIGHT

A wall of hail and rain collides with the mountain sized
ocean waves. High pitched sound of the wind and
booming explosions of thunder rumble the air.

Ocean waves devour one another as a small blinking
light in the middle of the aquatic mayhem bobs somewhat
above water.

On a mountainous swell its apparent it's a small FISHING BOAT.

Nice, thank you rayw. It is written for the competition. I usually shoot shorts myself, my first time sending it somewhere.

I worried to bore the reader with description, but that's just a typical paranoia haha

Now, how the hell do I improve on my writing! By reading more screenplays?

rayw said:

FADE IN Fade in goes first

Click to expand...

Dima, I can't believe you've done this silly mistake...

dlevanchuk said:

Now, how the hell do I improve on my writing! By reading more screenplays?

Click to expand...

It helps a lot, otherwise you read Chekhov

Haha I didn't even think about it the "fade in".. I was too excited about an idea. Easily distracted haha i
I ll post the full screenplay after the next revision.

I guess you don't have to fade in. You could be like BOOM! movie starts. Why not?

Wohoa wohoa! No fade in??

I don't want to knock people off of their seats with my awesomeness, of course!

As I promissed

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B0mxCCM9gdK3N2E3ZTc1MGUtMTE3MC00YjFkLThlZDktZDgwYWQ2NDBhYTEw

Hmm, I think your descriptions are great. Although if someone else directs it will give very little creative control.

It reads fine. "FADE IN" is fading out. I've seen many scripts without it. Most readers aren't going to ding you if it's not there. Maybe an old fart screenwriting teacher. Many scripts today, start with an opening sequence then have FADE IN and start into the story proper. Or they just start into the story. CUT TO: or FADE IN: being treated as the director's prerogative, not the writer's. Most modern production houses will fade in from the opening sequence anyway so it's just assumed. It's like the human appendix, superfluous.

As for the amount of detail, I think you did fine. Keep it crisp and clean to just what the reader needs to know to visualize the scene. You kept them to 2-3 sentences which is what you want for action/description. You don't want prose "The florid landscape canopied by maples casting gentle shadows on the pier surrounded by salmon splotched green water with slightly scalloped, wind tossed waves ...".

I haven't read your screenplay but your snippet looks fine.

Thank you Noob, and FantasySciFi! I'll go over the whole thing again, and will see what needs to be eliminated to keep everything short, and clean.
Feels like there might be some extra descriptive sentences hidden in the paragraphs.

FADE IN

EXT. FISHING DOCK -- DAY (Misssipi 60's)

It's a Bright sunny day on a quiet fishing dock.
We see a black lady drag her kid away from the fishing lodge along as he drops his rod
Camera pans across an undisturbed lake.
Close up - Three fishermen sit beside their fishing
poles, lowered into the water. They laugh at eachother

The Camera pans up to see nearby car with boat in toe drive away.

Close up - ALLEN and BILL, both in late 40s, sit next to each other in
comfortable fold up chairs. They’re overly dressed in new
flashy fishing gear, but their shiny fish tubs are empty.

A fish jumps out of the water ,

ALLEN
(TO BILL)
Why couldn't have we got that one?

Bill sits back with the rod inbetwen his legs and lights up a cigar

BILL
aint that the story, the one that always gets away.

ALLEN
man you been married to long

they both laugh

Close up - MICHAEL, same age, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, stands on
the opposite end, but his simple bucket is overfloated with
the fresh catch.

Bill and Allen notice this and talk about it

Allan
Lucky bastard

Bill
Ey ther aint no such thing as luck

Allan
Yer well he doin something

Bill
Man he just fishin like you and me

bill takes another drag of his cigar.

Allen
You got a strange view of luck we aint caught no fish

Bill
Luck is strange but it be real

he drags his smoke

Bill
Oh it be real allright

Allen
whats in that smoke

Bill
Nothing but pure love

Allen
What you know aboutl..
Oh shit

Allen gets a bite and drives back

Allen
Oh i got one

Bill stands up drops his smoke
whell draw it in

we see the rod bending like crazy

Bill
Oh its a good one, see luck what i tell ya

We see michael look over and watch aswell as he closes his box of fresh catch.

Allen reals back hard as the rods bends even further

Allen
I got him i got him

the rod then pretrudes striaght he lost it

as he rolls back

Allen
Taken the bait

Bill smiles and sits back down
Bill
dont we all. ( laughs)

Allen
dont you laugh
you aint caught nothing

Bill
Its not about the catch its about the smooth road ahead.

We see Allen sigh


Bill and Allen silently stare into the water. As the dark waves give a splashing noise



Allen winces at Michale’s happy laugh r. A trout is jerking on the end of his
fishing line... again.

Allen looks at his rod annoyed.

Allen looks at bill who answers confidently

BILL
Always second chances my friend always second chances

Close up allen looks over at micheal again who is fishing fine as does bill
who takes the smoke out of his mouth while holding his rod thats done nothing.

Michael pulls up another fish its a top fish good size as he he reals it in lifting it
the fish flaping just above his shoulder on the end of the rod as he directs it over to his filled bucket with a smile

allen shakes his head as does bill.

Close Michael’s face glows with the wide smile, as he expertly
lowers the fish into the bucket. Throws a quick glance at
unfortunate friends.

MICHAEL
Do you guys need some help?

Allen brushes off the question with the smirk.

Allen

I think well be okay thanks

as he holds his rod that is doing nothing. he looks over at bill that gives him a smile.

ALLEN
(to Bill)
Yea, help to fill my daughter’s
aquarium with the gold fish.

close up - Micheal doesn't worry he shrugs his shoulder, and casts the fishing pole back
into the water.

BILL
(quietly)
Maybe we’re doing something wrong. What do you think (laughs)

ALLEN
(stressfully)
Trust me, we got this. I was in the
last year’s open sea water
competition.

Micheal hears this in confusion but dont say anything and continues his fishing with a smile

BILL
You? In Competition? You bro thought this was for fun.

Allen
It is great fun when you catch fish.

Bill drops his rod a bit and talks to allen seriously

Bill
Man whats this really about you never ask me to go fishing its usually clubbing with the ladies or , sumdin. Are you alright?

Allen
I was just thinking


Bill
About what

Allen
dont worry

Bill
Dont worry about what , tell me we aint catchin no fish you dragged me out here

We see close up both bill and allen look at michel pack up his ute with fish and drive off

attention camera turns back to alan. Thinking

Alan
You wouldnt understand, lets just fish

Bill
Why dont you just tell me this story before i catch a fish to kick your ass

Alan
Its about a storm

Bill
(sarcastic)
storm sound good already

Alan
dont worry about it

Bill
Nah just kidden brother , you tell your story i'm listening

Allen gazes over the lake,
in a nostalgic stare.

Allen
I actuall y used to fish with my dad its just,

Bill
Man tell me man , it all good with me

Allen
It was a storm,




DISTANT SOUND OF THUNDER.

ALLEN
I was somewhere in the middle of
the Pacific, when the storm began..

CUT TO:


EXT. STORMY OCEAN -- NIGHT

A wall of hail and rain collides with the mountain sized
ocean waves. High pitched sound of the wind, mixed with
booming explosions of thunder, rumbles the air.

Ocean waves devour one another. Nothing seems to be able to
survive in here.. but wait! There is a small blinking light
in the middle of the aquatic mayhem.

Its a small FISHING BOAT.

I thought i'd add some bits, I'm not the best in grammer but can tell a story and add life.

This sort of story as its not a horror it overall is a family/epic story

so you need sadness, happyness , humour in it too, and good character assesment

I really liked it just added a few bits

good work

Timing in history if find important if you can tell i have made bill a black man in missisipie and allen is white

so when you are out in the boat you can find dynamics like

you are out fishing a great team allen and bill that get along then there is a boat that is introuble but they are white people on the boat and the boat colappses from the storm allen helps them as does bill, Allen isn't a good swimmer bill dives in to save them - It's missiipie They dont want to be saved by a black man but one of them falls over board

bill dives in and saves them , then the white people in the boat then find black people arnt so bad.

as we see bill drenched in water and saves just about everyone as he's so fit.

(my notes - millions of dynamics come across from time place)

Although i'm a writer that sees a movie infront of me you hav a good movie .

then when they get to shore

then the paper person may not want to post that a black man saved them, but the white people he saved where at one point not happy with black people relised they where great

many dynamics can be done in time.

alot of dynamics can be derived and humour by understanding how each group finds humour

that is the direction i would take with the movie

denzel washington ect.

Then in one point of the movie that micheal guy ends up being the son of a senator or head figure in missipie that gives black people that demands that this story be told of bill and allen that saved the people from this boat from the storm

there would be a few other scenes inbetween

but you could mould it togther to again

bill and allen sitting back fishing
and allen finally catches a fish

lol

Allen
I got one

Bill
yer you did you got that baby
(laughs)


the fish allen brings up is tiney as anything

ALLEN
fishin just aint my thing


we see bill laughin with his cigar then suddly finally he gets a big hit on his rod

BILL
oh shit

we see his rod bend

BILL
its a big one

Bill then looses his catch as his rod springs straigth as they look over to allens rod something has taken a hold of it as it springs from its holster and goes into the water...

Allen turns and goes for it but his rod his one catch big catch spins away, he stands and puts his hands on his hips
close up - bill laughs,

Allen
yer very funny

fade out

credits roll

ALLEN (O.S)
You know I dont like fishing

BILL (O.S)
laughs

my vision of your film



cheers
Mark