Will read in return.
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anyone want to critique the first act of my scifi thriller?
- Thread starter diamondwind
- Start date
Thanks for the feedback. Will take a lot of your notes. Hastily written thus the blank lines will get on those. As for the others I will weigh them equally and see what I can do. Needs rewrites I get it but that's why I'm here not at a pitch meeting.
I do get the feeling you are a tad of a stickler for format which is cool just know as someone who's brother spent several years as a reader for WMA, story comes first.
Thanks again
I will post another draft in the future.
I do get the feeling you are a tad of a stickler for format which is cool just know as someone who's brother spent several years as a reader for WMA, story comes first.
Thanks again
I will post another draft in the future.
Last night I had an actor ask for some help with a video for her showreel. It was a fairly simple fix she was after... Anyway, she asks what I thought about her performance, so I watch the rest of the video. Now I don't know how much you know about film making but there was about a minute of footage where there was 2 pieces of coverage. If you edit between the two, you cross the line. The editor left it in there and crossed the line maybe a dozen times in that minute. It's quite disorientating for the audience to the point where you simply cannot concentrate on the actors performance. Of course there were many other problems, but that was the biggest. I figured out how to hack a fix for it and once the problems are removed, the audience (and potentially casting directors) were then able to focus on the performance of the actors.
It's can be different with writing, though if you continually do something that will take the reader out of your story, it might not make any difference whether your story is great or not. In a movie when you destroy the audiences suspension of disbelief, it's not the audiences fault. The fault lies squarely with the film maker. If you do the writing equivalent, you may have the reader focusing on finding the faults in your script instead of enjoying your story.
So while you're right, story comes first, you want to consider removing as many distractions as you can which may impede a readers ability to enjoy your story.
As a filmmaker I totally understand. Crossing the line is hard. Even done right it can be a hard cut.
I have taken a lot of these notes and applied them, but as I am a writer director (with a film currently in production), my writing is inherently more visual and directed. That being said, the result of this other film will be sure to determine if I have the opportunity to direct this script or not (should it be optioned), thus you are closer to right than I regarding overall accessibility and comprehension.
Thanks for your input.
M
I have taken a lot of these notes and applied them, but as I am a writer director (with a film currently in production), my writing is inherently more visual and directed. That being said, the result of this other film will be sure to determine if I have the opportunity to direct this script or not (should it be optioned), thus you are closer to right than I regarding overall accessibility and comprehension.
Thanks for your input.
M
Actually, BOTH come ABOVE first. When you are an outsider, not only do you have to match existing writers toe-to-toe, but you need to be BETTER than them and frankly, utterly faultless AND have a screenplay that is Oscar worthy, just to get made. Some jerk-off like Adam Sandler has the clout to just ocme along and remake I Now Pronoucnce You... into utter trash and no-one can stop him. The original script was utterly heart-rending and amazing but he turned it into utter trash and left the writers with the blame as he is the status quo and can do that.
To be break in, you MUST be better than the best, yet at the moment you are way worse.
Sadly, you have missed the central criticism. No-one does anything smart or amazing in the film. The characters are standard American types who are definitely NOT outside the box. The resulting work, teeming with banality and scenes that have appeared in numerous other films makes it banal and tedious.
After the first couple of scenes, it is, frankly utter tripe and needs wholesale rewriting.
There is a concept in Hollywood known as the "Titanic Script" - this is one where, despite repeated warnings, the writer just keeps pouring unlimited effort in without taking an criticism until it is finally made and, like the Titanic, it ends up going down with the careers of everyone on board. This is just such a movie script.
Now, about that offer of a reading swap.. please advise.
I will give anything a shot, send me a link or post it here if you will.
Responded to your PM with email
Responded to your PM with email
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Interesting concept. But yes, definately rough and needs plenty of work. I don't know if you've spoken with any aviation professionals or have a technical advisor. But it doesn't look like you've done enough research on how airline/airport operations work. As a professional pilot I'll give you some quick fixes for you...
LaGuardia in NYC is only a domestic airport, meaning you can't fly in there from any international origin except for Canada. I would change your flight scenario from London to Kennedy.
Air traffic controller (ATC) controllers are not referred to as Techs. They're just called controllers.
Airlines have callsigns which gives ATC and other aircraft the ability to identify each other. You want to come up with a fictional callsign for your airline like "Ocean Bird" or "Heathrow Air" instead of just "Flight 614".
ATC tower controllers do not say where the flight is headed for.. They only give clearances for takeoff and landings. Ground controllers handle taxing instructions at large airports. And it's "Taxi to runway 4, not number 4. Then the tower controller will give the takeoff clearance, something like..."Speedbird 452, winds 340 at 7kts, runway 4 cleared for takeoff."
Pilots advance throttles, not accelerators.
Runways and tarmacs are two different things.
The control column, or "yolk" only works when a plane is airborne. Lateral direction on the ground is controlled by the rudder peddals. So in your scenario, the captain or both pilots would "stomp" on the right or left peddal depending on which direction they wanted the plane to go.
Hope this all helps.
LaGuardia in NYC is only a domestic airport, meaning you can't fly in there from any international origin except for Canada. I would change your flight scenario from London to Kennedy.
Air traffic controller (ATC) controllers are not referred to as Techs. They're just called controllers.
Airlines have callsigns which gives ATC and other aircraft the ability to identify each other. You want to come up with a fictional callsign for your airline like "Ocean Bird" or "Heathrow Air" instead of just "Flight 614".
ATC tower controllers do not say where the flight is headed for.. They only give clearances for takeoff and landings. Ground controllers handle taxing instructions at large airports. And it's "Taxi to runway 4, not number 4. Then the tower controller will give the takeoff clearance, something like..."Speedbird 452, winds 340 at 7kts, runway 4 cleared for takeoff."
Pilots advance throttles, not accelerators.
Runways and tarmacs are two different things.
The control column, or "yolk" only works when a plane is airborne. Lateral direction on the ground is controlled by the rudder peddals. So in your scenario, the captain or both pilots would "stomp" on the right or left peddal depending on which direction they wanted the plane to go.
Hope this all helps.
Awesome advice I didn't know about aspects of airport terminology. Thanks for sharing.
You incompetent ferret!!! This is just another post where I find you filling your own self loathing up by bagging on another newbie....I am however not surprised....I knew when I saw your first post bagging on someone that you were about as useful as a broken peg....as for someone sending you a script....I doubt very much whether anyone would want to send anything at all your way. You sound like a grumpy old fuck that has lost all relevance and has not even the most singular creative bone left in your body. You clearly lost (assuming you ever had) any creativity to make your own projects a long time ago and now sit at a desk taking a dirty dump on anyone else who would try....you certainly are not someone I would send a project to...you would probably botch it up completely and then tell me that you know what you are doing....crazy, spiteful, fool!!!!
Honestly, O.P aside from a few issues , the story itself is perhaps the best I've ever read on this forum. My only concern is the authenticity on certain parts. Like for instance, how come the local police department is handling this? Shouldn't the FBI be involved or some sort of special forces unit? Also, I sincerely doubt they would let a winter storm warning stop them from pursuing the kid. Remember, the Federal government is going to use all available resources to get this kid. They'll do the impossible if that's what it takes.
Like I said, this is an amazing story and I'm really excited to see how this develops. I've never read a story on this forum that has me this excited, which means you definitely have something that can give your team a name for themselves. But, I would consider researching the various roles you're trying to portray, such as members within the Federal government and how they would actually handle a situation like this. Maybe, he should get caught immediately and develop the story from there?
Good luck, man!
Like I said, this is an amazing story and I'm really excited to see how this develops. I've never read a story on this forum that has me this excited, which means you definitely have something that can give your team a name for themselves. But, I would consider researching the various roles you're trying to portray, such as members within the Federal government and how they would actually handle a situation like this. Maybe, he should get caught immediately and develop the story from there?
Good luck, man!
^^^That is the most useful thing I have seen you write to date...
All of your other comments to people simply say that their pitch is crap, or rubbish, or they should not quit their day job, or because your computer is outdated they should work around you...
Thus my liberal dose of verbal foulage in your direction.
Thanks for all the positivity. Definitely working on it still, but I feel it's shaping into something.
M
M
You do realize the FantasyFilmProductions is a different person? No matter.
I'm sorry that your thread was hijacked. It is a fault of mine that I'm protective of new talent. I don't appreciate when people come in attacking new screenwriters who are making earnest attempts to understand and learn how to create sellable/produceable screenplays. It's fine to provide criticism, but it can be phrased in a way that is helpful and instructive. Especially when the criticism is unjustified or based on false/old information.
If an individual feels he can blithely criticize TrueIndie or Directorik with their experiences, I find it hard to believe anything he writes. I make a good faith effort to represent what I find to be the current state of affairs as a working screenwriter and the other areas of independent filmmaking where I'm involved directly. I can back that up with over twenty productions. With film, television and industrial credits under my belt for shorts, features and series in roles as writer, AD, production and acting, I provide advice from my base of experience. However, I still feel I'm always learning something new on the set or on this forum.
I admit I was initially upset, but I'm past that. I try to present examples when I feel it would be helpful. The OP can take the advice as they wish. Where I don't feel my opinion would be constructive or add a different perspective, I don't comment. If I see egregious misinformation that could seriously impact a promising writer, I feel it's important to call it out.
I think your story is interesting and I encourage to continue to develop it. Cheers.