Overall, the concept is good. Where it needs improvement is overall pacing. It is too wordy. You really want to focus on "What's my central story?". As a screenwriter, you need to put yourself in the director/producer's shoes in part. Time is money. This isn't a novel where the reader's imagination has no budget constraints. Many of these scenes are overly elaborated. Keep it clean and crisp. Some vignette clips in a montage sequence might work better like bumping his head, tossing his laundry on the muscle guy, etc. I like the ideas but think you spend too much effort.
Don't have too much detail. Seriously. Is it necessary for her to have a "pink, knit sweater with black leggings, and has blonde, long hair." Be mindful that location, wardrobe and casting decisions will not necessarily be based on the script but what's available. Please understand, it's fine to give some details to give a tone image to the story. Just avoid dwelling on lots of unnecessary details.
Second, you have lots of set up and the final pay off is disappointing. Lots of incidents and then he opens up to a different girl without resolving anything with the first. The pacing and emotional resolution aren't there. Don't just bring in the cleaning lady at the end to wrap things up. It's too convenient and hallmark of newbies. Introduce her in the very beginning as she watches this unfold. Then have Mark comment to her. Don't make their conversation so on-the-nose. Have him try her advice once with the girl and have it fail. He gives up and then your final scene where the new girl asks for the detergent. The point is you have emotionally resolved your first story with the girl AND introduced your protagonist's successful resolution. The cleaning lady no longer becomes a plot device but an integral character.
And a word of advice would be to recheck your spelling and grammar. There are a couple of errors in there. Overall, it's not bad but feels long and lackluster. On a scale of 0-10, I'd give it a 5 due to the issues described.
