Is this pompous sounding?

F

Firm1

Hey guys,

So once again, my partner and I are having an argument over this sales copy for our upcoming Kickstarter campaign. We both hate talking about ourselves, but we're well aware of the fact that people who fund campaigns want to invest in something that's going to work.

Well, I wanted to take this a step further and create the image that we're two brothers looking to use this Kickstarter as a way to launch our careers. So in other words, they're not just investing in a project, but a future for two talented filmmakers. Here's the rough draft of the copy that we're having trouble with:


"This project we’re campaigning for is a short story that will be used as a proof-of-concept piece to pitch to producers so that we can make Novek into the proper show that it is. We spent years building a network and are now in a unique position to showcase this to several people with a lot of influence in big places.

So supporting this project isn’t just helping us bring a cool film to you. It’s an investment opportunity that will help two passionate brothers launch their careers. Right now, we’re small, but maybe one day you’ll see our films on the big screen. And maybe one day when you sit there enjoying it with your loved ones, you can look back and think, “I was there when they started.”

And of course, in honor of all your support, for everyone who donates now, we’ll have your name listed in the credits for this project and every other project we successfully make from here on out, no matter how much you give."


Anyway we're at a standstill because he thinks its horribly arrogant and I think it shows confidence. So my question to you guys is, does this come off as arrogant or confident or a little bit of both? Thanks in advance for the responses.
 
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Firm1 said:
Anyway we're at a standstill because he thinks its horribly arrogant and I think it shows confidence. So my question to you guys is, does this come off as arrogant or confident or a little bit of both? Thanks in advance for the responses.
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Post your brother's version also. Tell him to write a copy.
 
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He doesn't have a version. Thats okay though. I think we resolved the issue...after much yelling lol.

We're basically going to re-word it so that it doesn't sound so pompous. Focus on the film having the end goal of being a successful tv show rather than something that will launch our careers and get rid of wording that makes it sound too dramatic and arrogant. Keep the meaning, but re-word it so it's not screaming, "Me, me, me."
 
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Firm1 said:
Hey guys,

So once again, my partner and I are having an argument over this sales copy for our upcoming Kickstarter campaign. We both hate talking about ourselves, but we're well aware of the fact that people who fund campaigns want to invest in something that's going to work.

Well, I wanted to take this a step further and create the image that we're two brothers looking to use this Kickstarter as a way to launch our careers. So in other words, they're not just investing in a project, but a future for two talented filmmakers. Here's the rough draft of the copy that we're having trouble with:


"This project we’re campaigning for is a short story that will be used as a proof-of-concept piece to pitch to producers so that we can make Novek into the proper show that it is. We spent years building a network and are now in a unique position to showcase this to several people with a lot of influence in big places.

So supporting this project isn’t just helping us bring a cool film to you. It’s an investment opportunity that will help two passionate brothers launch their careers. Right now, we’re small, but maybe one day you’ll see our films on the big screen. And maybe one day when you sit there enjoying it with your loved ones, you can look back and think, “I was there when they started.”

And of course, in honor of all your support, for everyone who donates now, we’ll have your name listed in the credits for this project and every other project we successfully make from here on out, no matter how much you give."


Anyway we're at a standstill because he thinks its horribly arrogant and I think it shows confidence. So my question to you guys is, does this come off as arrogant or confident or a little bit of both? Thanks in advance for the responses.
Click to expand...

Personally speaking, I think the idea of promoting a Kickstarter campaign as a vehicle for your own personal success is a bit self-aggrandizing, and it makes you out to sounding more important than you are. Not that I don't understand where you're coming from with this portion of your campaign speech. But it's really unnecessary and perhaps even a deterrent to potential donators.

As many people will say, actions speak louder than words. So although you may pitch a project in this manner towards people on an individual basis, where in they might be the people to get you to bigger and better places, pitching a project to the crowd-funding community in this way doesn't cultivate likeability or humbleness.

Any project put on Kickstarter could not only be a brand-new unique gadget or untested innovative product or a film, but could also be a vehicle to further the success and notoriety of their creators'. But there's never a need to outright say that's what you want it to be for, it just simply is. And it's best to just keep that aspect to yourself.

Just simply express that you think you have a great idea for a project, and you'd like the opportunity to share it with the world. Because if people haven't even seen a successful piece of your work in the past, then what's the point of getting them pumped about your future projects by saying that "your pledge could help us put our films up on the big screen one day?"
 
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Firm1 said:
He doesn't have a version. Thats okay though. I think we resolved the issue...after much yelling lol.

We're basically going to re-word it so that it doesn't sound so pompous. Focus on the film having the end goal of being a successful tv show rather than something that will launch our careers and get rid of wording that makes it sound too dramatic and arrogant. Keep the meaning, but re-word it so it's not screaming, "Me, me, me."
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:lol:
I'm a bit surprised you both thought it was necessary to promote it like that initially. No one ever pitches a project to (basically) the world in that way, because it always looks self-important.

You need people to get excited about the project, not about you. But once you have a few well-regarded films and/or tv episodes under your belt, then people will naturally get excited about you, and you won't ever really need to tell people to get excited about you. Because if you're lucky, and your ideas are good, it'll just happen.
 
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FilmmakerJ said:
:lol:
I'm a bit surprised you both thought it was necessary to promote it like that initially. No one ever pitches a project to (basically) the world in that way, because it always looks self-important.
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I think he knows that. The reason he's posting is because he's trying to find the right balance, the proper nuance, so as not to come off as self absorbed. Let's give it to him if we can.

I don't know what the answer exactly is either. But I've got my own plans Firm1. But the discussion regarding a fan base or examples of your previous work is going to be a killer question. Almost none of us have any real work that we can showcase to stand out from others. And that's a problem. Unfortunately.

My plan is to give away my movie. I have absolutely no idea if it'll work. But I have no other option.
 
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In my opinion, it isn't "arrogant", though it's a horrific sample of writing. It comes across as selfish. Aren't you worried about promising what you may not be able to deliver forever?
 
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