I hope to get good advice from this forum, as I am looking to improve my script writing skills. It is very short (10 pages).
For information, I wrote a lot of directing and post-prod informations, but I wasn't sure if that had to be included in the script. I removed some of them and kept some. I don't know what best?
First, welcome. Thanks for joining IndieTalk and being willing to share. As you probably notice, there is a lot of emphasis put on proper formatting because it is real important. If you're going to shoot your own script, then you have flexibility. But there are benefits from using CeltX, FinalDraft, or other programs to properly format a script. A properly formatted script gives you information you need for scheduling, budgeting and developing a film project. I mention that because, as you may have guessed, that's really the big issue for this script.
A script written specifically for shooting is a SHOOTING SCRIPT. A script written to be sold is called a speculative or SPEC SCRIPT. Spec scripts do not have numbers, shot details, etc. The director will make those decisions, not the writer. Putting in numbers is pointless since whoever buys the script may add or delete scenes. That's not to say a screenwriter's ideas are worthless, but they need to packaged in a way that makes them useful for a producer or director.
Basics first. A useful convention is to follow the slugline with a description of the location then lead into the action. If there is ongoing action at the start, it's okay to bundle that into the description. Big paragraphs are things of the past. Hitchcock used them, but he shot his own film. Today, you want to suggest shots by carefully grouping your action statements. When done this way, it causes pages to more closely approximate screen time (one page = one screen minute). After the first mention of a character, you no longer need to capitalize their name.
Below is your first page:
Code:
1 INT. CORRIDOR DAY 1
MID SHOT OF PROTAGONIST
A man in his thirties walks up stairs and up the corridor.
He is X. Cohen, the protagonist. The decoration is very
minimal. There is one painting hanging in the corridor.
The wallpaper is dark blue. It is old. COHEN is wearing a
white shirt tucked in black pants. On his way towards the
second floor, he whistles to some 60’s French music we can
hear in the background. He is moving towards the bathroom,
at the end of the corridor. In the middle of the corridor
is a small white table with a record player. There is a
record on playing music.
THE CAMERA MOVES TO A TURNING VINYL RECORD. CAMERA FACES
HIM AGAIN.
Then COHEN continues walking towards the end of the
corridor.
2 INT. BATHROOM. DAY 2
WIDE SHOT
COHEN is standing in front of the sink, looking at a
mirror. There is a plastic glass sitting on the sink with
two toothbrushes. There is soap at the other side of the
sink. The room is tiled in a clear color. COHEN has his
two hands at either sides of the sink and is slightly
leaning. We can only see his back.
CLOSE UP FACE
We now see COHEN’s face. He feels his right cheek with his
right hand. He looks unhappy, or at least uninterested, He
as a very blank expression. He drops his hand and starts
whistling to the music again for a few seconds. He stops
whistling and he blinks very hard and stares blankly at
the mirror for a few seconds. He grabs a red tie from
outside the frame and ties it around his neck.
COHEN’s chin is now covered in white shaving foam. He has
a handheld razor and he finishes shaving. The protagonist
cuts his face and swears.
How this would more likely appear in a formatted spec script:
Code:
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
A single old painting hangs in the corridor. Some 60's French
music plays in the background.
X. COHEN (30s) walks up stairs with his white shirt tucked
into black pants. Walking along the corridor towards the
second floor, he whistles along as he passes
a small white table with a record player in the middle of the
corridor. There is a record on playing the music
as he walks to the bathroom at the end of the corridor.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
The room is tiled in a clear color. A plastic glass sits on the sink
with two toothbrushes, soap on the other side.
Cohen walks straight through the door to the sink, leans in
with a hand on each side and looks into mirror.
He studies his face in the mirror and touches his right cheek
with casual interest. He whistles along as his hand drops.
He stops whistling, blinks very hard and stares blankly at
the mirror for a few seconds before he turns to grab a red
tie from outside the frame and ties it around his neck.
He applies white shaving foam to his chin. While shaving with
a handheld razor, he cuts his face and swears.
Forty six lines with dense paragraphs with information scattered throughout is consolidated to thirty one. After the slugline the location is made clear. Then all the action which is suggestive of possible shots. Seeing him from the back is a DIRECTOR's choice, not the WRITER's. I can suggest it by my choice of wording. Always try to use active rather than passive (is/was Xed) or progressive (is Xing).
Screenwriting is not meant to look like a short story or play. It's meant to convey information that other professionals can use to create a visual interpretation of your story. The location the PA finds may not have blue wall paper. Unless this is relevant to the story (a clue in a mystery that otherwise would be unsolved), it's a useless detail. My suggestion is that you first go through and re-format your script.
Again, I'm not trying to be hard. You did a great job for your first pass at the script. You should be proud of that. But now that it's done, you need to practice putting it into proper form--whether you choose to make it yourself or sell it.
