Superhuman: First ten pages of science fiction screenplay; feedback wanted

My personal view - and there are probably more experienced people on this board who would disagree with me - is that your attempts to make the action blocks florid and poetic tend to get in the way of them actually being readable or making sense. I read the whole thing as you'd asked for feedback, but I would probably have stopped after the third page otherwise.

Obviously if you're making this yourself, then it doesn't need to make sense to anybody but you and your cast/crew.

In terms of a feature, I would be concerned that this opening sequence doesn't do anything constructive towards the story or character(s) other than some cool visuals - a lot of the details that you write about will not necessarily be clear to the viewers.

Anyway, best of luck with it and welcome to the forum Always nice to see a fellow Brit on here

Thanks for the feedback Maz. Some of the things you noted were enlightening so I appreciated you taking the time to read the screenplay sample and generate feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome as it will help me iterate the screenplay further and evolve the project. So your words were more than appreciated. I was however hoping for more replies than this. You were kind enough to take the time to read the screenplay sample and respond but so far it looks like you're the only one. I was hoping more people would respond. This thread received many views but only one response.

Do you or anyone else know of any other places I could potentially post the screenplay sample for feedback?

Ghost_Messiah said:

Thanks for the feedback Maz. Some of the things you noted were enlightening so I appreciated you taking the time to read the screenplay sample and generate feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome as it will help me iterate the screenplay further and evolve the project. So your words were more than appreciated. I was however hoping for more replies than this. You were kind enough to take the time to read the screenplay sample and respond but so far it looks like you're the only one. I was hoping more people would respond. This thread received many views but only one response.

Do you or anyone else know of any other places I could potentially post the screenplay sample for feedback?

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This place normally gets a lot more replies in screenplay critique requests - I guess you just chose a bad day Hopefully the bump will be helpful.

Not sure about other places to post, and hopefully someone will offer suggestions regarding that too

Not that you're looking for recommendations, but there's a website called Talentville. I'm not paid to recommend this or anything, but it's a pretty phenomenal screenwriting tool, and you get great feedback in return for giving others feedback.

I enjoyed it and I agree it has potential. I think what was confusing for me is normally screenplays don't have nearly that much action written out. This screenplay in real screenplay format would probably be less than 3 pages.

It's just hard to follow when it is not in accepted format. But, again, I think it has great potential and hope you continue to work on it.

All of the action in the opening sequence could probably be condensed into a single Establishing...

FADE IN:

ESTABLISHING - CREATION OF THE UNIVERSE

Remember film is different from novels, you want to show the story, not tell it.

[c] Ammar Al-Tai 2013.

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This is a bit of a no-no.

POLICE STREET

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In this context, what's a police street? Outside a police station? Where police are on the street? Is it the name of a street?

Later on I can guess it's the name of the street, but I have to read 3 more scenes to get that gist. May be worth clearing up.

EXT. POLICE STREET - LIGHT VISION [ON]
EXT. POLICE STREET - LIGHT VISION [OFF]

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I'd clean up the occasional formatting issues like this. I wouldn't consider this a scene change. If I were you, I'd address these as description within your actions.

screenplays don't have nearly that much action written out. This screenplay in real screenplay format would probably be less than 3 pages.

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Kindga Ka is right, but completely by dumb luck. I don't know what the page count would be, but it is too long. There's a concept in screenplay writing. Trim the fat. Meaning: Any scene where you're not moving the character or the story forward, cut it out. If your screenplay makes sense without a scene, cut it out. If you can merge necessary scenes, merge them.

It does NOT to mean cut everything out.

Less is more. Don't use 9 words when 6 can do a better job.

In this script, there seems to be so much unnecessary clutter.

There's other things like the first 10 pages is to get your audience to care about your protagonist. It appears that you're setting something up, I'm not sure what.

Last but not least. You seem to have a flashy style. While I don't mind if it's flashy, there are parts that are unclear (take for instance, the police street from above). I'm guessing it's the flashy that's getting in the way of the understanding. If I were you, I'd focus on getting the point across before worrying about those colorful descriptors.

By the way, good job. It's better than most scripts that are posted here. I'd like to see what you come up with.

Hi, Ghost Messiah

As usual, some good advice from Sweetie.

You've put a lot of effort into describing your visuals and that's great. You'd make a helluva poet. Unfortunately, screenplays aren't poems. Poetry is often equivocal, obscure and imprecise. Screenplays can't be since they're blueprints. The reader needs to know exactly what's happening. Don't get me wrong, a poetic metaphor or simile here and there can keep interest and make your action descriptions sparkle. But yours, and I hesitate to be so blunt, is a miasma of conflicting imagery wallowing in descriptors. Nearly every single noun has two or more adjectives clinging to it like syrup. Be PRECISE. Make things clear and crisp.

Also, while I understand why sentence fragments can be enticing to use when describing action, it's way too much. A little goes a long way. Reign that in and complete your sentences with a subject, object and verb.

I would be interested to see where this goes, especially your obvious juxtaposition of Christianity and Islam.

Best of luck!