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MADNESS- Crime Feature

Yet again I am showcasing the opening to one of my features. This is a lot more ambitious, however, and spans more than just one scene. In fact, it spans quite a few, short and to the point.
I don’t want to put the whole thing up out of fear of anonymous lurkers/stealers, but I would like some feedback on this. Thanks a lot!

I strongly suggest you listen to the songs written into the screenplay, during reading the scenes they play over:

The opening “70’s BLUES ROCK SONG” is “Peace Frog” by the Doors, which can be heard here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG1af34u3e8

“Sympathy for the Devil” by the Rollling Stones is here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBecM3CQVD8

The script itself is here:

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B_8v9raspP5uLWMwYkJxdmdRTjZSLVdkTEk5Wnk0UQ

Thank you.
 
I cant really provide any constructive criticism, I normally hate reading scripts, but that was really enjoyable, especially with the music. I really enjoyed the "death montage" at the start, thought that was a great way to open the film. All I have to say is congrats
 
I cant really provide any constructive criticism, I normally hate reading scripts, but that was really enjoyable, especially with the music. I really enjoyed the "death montage" at the start, thought that was a great way to open the film. All I have to say is congrats

Thanks, man. I thought the music added a sort of layer to the scenes.
 
You are overusing upper case.

I’m curious; how do you decide what is in upper case and what
isn’t? For example you use it for some props but not all props. Any
reason for this? Sometimes you use upper case for things like
BELOW and sometimes you use “below”. There is no consistency. You
even sometimes use upper case for emotion but then not for every
emotion.

I must say it makes for a very distracting read. Try this:

Read it out loud and shout each time you read a word in upper
case. Is that what you want the reader to feel as they read the
script?
 
I agree with Directrik. Overuse of capitalization. I did it early on with my own writing, and it is very distracting. Capitals should be used to emphasis something important, or to isolate something. For example if you want to emphasis the two exploded SUV'S you would write:

TWO EXPLODED SUVs

Sit on the dry on the dry, desert ground.


Other script no-no's

Your description lines are filled with "we see"'s and words that end with -ing. Too passive. Here's an example of what you wrote and what it should look like.

We see DUNE cross the steps of the MANSION, heading up.

Should be something like this:

Dune crosses the steps of the Mansion. Heads up.

Much cleaner look that way. You wanna make it as easy on the reader as you can. Lot's of white space so his head moves down the pages not across.

And lastly, the bold face. I don't recommend using it all, but if you do, only bold your sluglines. It becomes an eyesore much like your overcapitilzation. But overall, good job. Learn. Get better. That's all you do as a writer.
 
Ah, thanks. I'm a total "noob" in everything, but especially in screenplay format. I was under the impression you have to capitalize anything that is important (Prop, set).

Thanks again for the advice. However, how was the screenplay itself? Dialogue, story, layout.
 
I was under the impression you have to capitalize anything that is important (Prop, set).

Isn’t everything in the script important?

Is a GUN more important than a phone? If the character needs to
pick up a phone it seems to me that is just as important as a gun.
If the phone isn't important; why put it in a script?
 
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