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Old 03-13-2017, 08:38 PM   #1
Firm1
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Anyone Willing to Critique the 1st 22 pages of my Sci-fi drama/thriller feature?

Hey everyone! I was just wondering if anyone would be interested in giving their honest feedback on the first 22 pages of my Sci-fi drama/thriller feature? I sort of wrote it on a whim, even though I've been pondering on it for a while. Here's the link: https://www.celtx.com/auth/public/resource/l9bz9c7y

Let me know what you think. Is it grabbing or too dry?

Thanks and looking forward to your responses, good or bad!
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Old 03-16-2017, 08:27 AM   #2
Flipthis22
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Hey,
I just read your 22 pages. I really like it. I couldn't stop reading it. I do have a few suggestions for improvement. Story wise I can't give suggestions because I don't know where this is all heading towards.
Also, I don't know if you'd consider a collaboration. I would love to help write it.
If not, it's okay. I can still give you the feedback of what I thought.

Flip
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:16 PM   #3
Firm1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flipthis22 View Post
Hey,
I just read your 22 pages. I really like it. I couldn't stop reading it. I do have a few suggestions for improvement. Story wise I can't give suggestions because I don't know where this is all heading towards.
Also, I don't know if you'd consider a collaboration. I would love to help write it.
If not, it's okay. I can still give you the feedback of what I thought.

Flip
Hey thanks for taking the time to read it. Respectfully, I'm going to have to decline on collaborating as I'm working with my brother on this project, but I'd love to check out some of your work and if our styles align, I might be interested in doing some collaboration.

Regarding your suggestions, please by all means let me know what your thoughts are. I'd love to hear them.

Thanks!
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Old 04-09-2017, 11:48 AM   #4
Flipthis22
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Notes

Sorry it took so long, but here it is.

So like I said, I really like this futuristic story and I think it has a lot of potential.

Notes/opinions:

In the beginning, it gets confusing when we keep cutting to different things until I realize it's Stu watching TV through 3d glasses (pretty cool idea, 3D glasses and nodding to change channel).
You should have some sort of channel switch to make it more obvious that someone is watching TV.

Flashback at beach, to me, it is just for a sappy moment and I don't get anything new for the unfolding of the story. In my opinion, you don't need it.

When Stu is dying and has those flashbacks with the girl, they are okay (meaning I like it) - they do show what we wanted to see when we first witnessed the first double naked on his lawn - but again, I hate flashbacks (personal decision) I think it's a cheap way to tell story, but when done well, definitely.

NOW - once I discovered that these where all visions of the future, my opinion on the story changed.
I definitely love this part a lot more.
I still think you should include future Stu, but towards the middle of your overall story. I think it makes the story slow and very enigmatic (which could be the point), but it's confusing and slow paced, and then he wakes in the bathtub with a scar on his head. That's when the story started for me. Anything before that moment I would have discarded. I know what you were trying to do, but the timeline is very confusing.
You have future and past happening, with no reference of the present, only later. I would start with present and THEN alternate between them.

When Stu is curious about what Teddy is crying about, we as the audience get very curious too. I think Stu entering the house and going into the bathroom and seeing what we are curious about, kinda ruins it.
What if he doesn't walk in the apartment and peeks throught the open door INTO the bathroom, where you can only see two feet, up to calf, lying on the ground. We want to know more!
Now the Police marches up the stairs. More commotion. Officers go into the apartment into the bathroom. Stu tries to see what's going on. Now with the officers inside the bathroom, it's impossible to see anything, other than the officers lifting someone up from the floor.
That way when Teddy first sees his mother being dragged out, he can panic and get shot in result of his irrational decision of trying to reach the officer's gun in desperation.
I would have killed Meryl, because the police are cruel - totalitarianism.
But not killing her makes the police a little nicer, even though they are bouncing, leaving Meryl to mourn over Teddy's dead body and the fact that she called the police to HELP Teddy and killed him as a result.


That's it for my notes. If you have more, I'd like to continue reading the story. I thought it was really good and captivating.

Sorry for the ramble.

Last edited by Flipthis22; 04-09-2017 at 11:51 AM.
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Old 04-12-2017, 06:40 PM   #5
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Minor formatting thing that bugs me: cut the "CUT TO." The slug line tells us it is a new scene. As for the script itself, I like it. I would also comment that there is too much cutting at the beginning. I think the idea of people having "doubles" is really interesting. Would love a slow build-up at the beginning with reveal being at the end of the first scene. I think that would be a more effective to suck you into the script.
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Old 04-18-2017, 10:55 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flipthis22 View Post
Sorry it took so long, but here it is.

So like I said, I really like this futuristic story and I think it has a lot of potential.

Notes/opinions:

In the beginning, it gets confusing when we keep cutting to different things until I realize it's Stu watching TV through 3d glasses (pretty cool idea, 3D glasses and nodding to change channel).
You should have some sort of channel switch to make it more obvious that someone is watching TV.

Flashback at beach, to me, it is just for a sappy moment and I don't get anything new for the unfolding of the story. In my opinion, you don't need it.

When Stu is dying and has those flashbacks with the girl, they are okay (meaning I like it) - they do show what we wanted to see when we first witnessed the first double naked on his lawn - but again, I hate flashbacks (personal decision) I think it's a cheap way to tell story, but when done well, definitely.

NOW - once I discovered that these where all visions of the future, my opinion on the story changed.
I definitely love this part a lot more.
I still think you should include future Stu, but towards the middle of your overall story. I think it makes the story slow and very enigmatic (which could be the point), but it's confusing and slow paced, and then he wakes in the bathtub with a scar on his head. That's when the story started for me. Anything before that moment I would have discarded. I know what you were trying to do, but the timeline is very confusing.
You have future and past happening, with no reference of the present, only later. I would start with present and THEN alternate between them.

When Stu is curious about what Teddy is crying about, we as the audience get very curious too. I think Stu entering the house and going into the bathroom and seeing what we are curious about, kinda ruins it.
What if he doesn't walk in the apartment and peeks throught the open door INTO the bathroom, where you can only see two feet, up to calf, lying on the ground. We want to know more!
Now the Police marches up the stairs. More commotion. Officers go into the apartment into the bathroom. Stu tries to see what's going on. Now with the officers inside the bathroom, it's impossible to see anything, other than the officers lifting someone up from the floor.
That way when Teddy first sees his mother being dragged out, he can panic and get shot in result of his irrational decision of trying to reach the officer's gun in desperation.
I would have killed Meryl, because the police are cruel - totalitarianism.
But not killing her makes the police a little nicer, even though they are bouncing, leaving Meryl to mourn over Teddy's dead body and the fact that she called the police to HELP Teddy and killed him as a result.


That's it for my notes. If you have more, I'd like to continue reading the story. I thought it was really good and captivating.

Sorry for the ramble.
Thanks for those notes. I definitely agree that after the montage and before the bath tub scene is too confusing and boring, so I think I'm just going to scale back on that.

Thanks!
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Old 04-18-2017, 10:57 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Struggle View Post
Minor formatting thing that bugs me: cut the "CUT TO." The slug line tells us it is a new scene. As for the script itself, I like it. I would also comment that there is too much cutting at the beginning. I think the idea of people having "doubles" is really interesting. Would love a slow build-up at the beginning with reveal being at the end of the first scene. I think that would be a more effective to suck you into the script.
Interesting. I like that idea of execution. I'll have to figure out a way to do that as it's a lot of information, so some condensing will be necessary.
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Old 04-18-2017, 04:11 PM   #8
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I stopped reading when you mentioned within the action that your characters were "talking" then I proceeded to read their dialogue. It is unnecessary and bogs down the pace of your story.

Additionally use that action after you write your scene heading to establish what we are looking at and not just that, but as a writer you must write a sentence which invokes an image which in turn should influence the emotion of your reader/audience. Take advantage of that action to write a quick description of the characters in the scene and what the scene looks like; this will help you define the tone of your film.

Happy writing!
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Old 04-19-2017, 07:52 AM   #9
gorillaonabike
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolverine237 View Post
I stopped reading when you mentioned within the action that your characters were "talking" then I proceeded to read their dialogue. It is unnecessary and bogs down the pace of your story.

Additionally use that action after you write your scene heading to establish what we are looking at and not just that, but as a writer you must write a sentence which invokes an image which in turn should influence the emotion of your reader/audience. Take advantage of that action to write a quick description of the characters in the scene and what the scene looks like; this will help you define the tone of your film.

Happy writing!
This.
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