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Feedback on my script so far?

EmilyNancyJean

EmilyNancyJean

Hey guys and gals,

I was just wondering if anyone would have a quick read over my script (it's only 3 1/2 pages so far), it will probably be around 12 pages long.

Honest thoughts are welcome :) I'm new to script writing so I'm trying to soak up all the help I can get.
Is it gripping? Is it wrote well? etc

The (WIP) logline: After escaping once already Madalina collapses bloodied and bruised infront of a stranger, only to awaken and find herself in a strangers house.

You can find the script here.
 
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Hi, I love your writing, it's very powerful! Some things with the formatting are slightly off but nothing major. For example a colon after a characters name is not needed. Also you mention fades and cuts which should only be done if you are directing it yourself, and try to add less detail. Other than that it's a very nice piece. :)
 
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yeah alot of detail with not much going on for me, makes it a bit slow to read, formatting needs touching up.

also for me you have written it more like a story than a script if that makes sense?
 
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8salacious9 said:
yeah alot of detail with not much going on for me, makes it a bit slow to read, formatting needs touching up.

also for me you have written it more like a story than a script if that makes sense?
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Was it that you found it boring to read or did you not like the story? Or maybe both?

I can see what you mean about it coming out more like a story than a script, i'll try and work on it :)
 
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EmilyNancyJean said:
Was it that you found it boring to read or did you not like the story? Or maybe both?

I can see what you mean about it coming out more like a story than a script, i'll try and work on it :)
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ok il be brutally honest as i always am..

foe me the extra detail in your script describing things almost to the T gets a bit boring for me and distracts me from the script, i mean im no script genius, i myself have only written one script which if you wish i could send you, iv had very good reviews from it, saying that i did use final draft 8 and a bit of youtube on how to use it but not much apart from that.

but in short its just too much detail for me, others may disagree, but for me cut it down, get straight to the point of the scene and character then it becomes more like a film for me anyway :)
 
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8salacious9 said:
ok il be brutally honest as i always am..

foe me the extra detail in your script describing things almost to the T gets a bit boring for me and distracts me from the script, i mean im no script genius, i myself have only written one script which if you wish i could send you, iv had very good reviews from it, saying that i did use final draft 8 and a bit of youtube on how to use it but not much apart from that.

but in short its just too much detail for me, others may disagree, but for me cut it down, get straight to the point of the scene and character then it becomes more like a film for me anyway :)
Click to expand...


Ahh I see now :)


No no, I admire honesty and that's what i'm looking for. :lol:

I think the detail is down to a few things; a) because my background is in character animation describing things down to a T is something that subconsciously came out as I was writing b) kind of a reminder to myself of what I want to happen in the film c) there's a lot of emotion and not a lot of actual dialogue so the descriptions came out a dime a dozen.

Sure :) I'd like to take a look.
 
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EmilyNancyJean said:
Ahh I see now :)


No no, I admire honesty and that's what i'm looking for. :lol:

I think the detail is down to a few things; a) because my background is in character animation describing things down to a T is something that subconsciously came out as I was writing b) kind of a reminder to myself of what I want to happen in the film c) there's a lot of emotion and not a lot of actual dialogue so the descriptions came out a dime a dozen.

Sure :) I'd like to take a look my email is
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yeah i know what you mean, but i can see that its gonna be a good story, once youv written the whole thing il give an indepth review if you want page by page.

i sent you an email btw, also you should probably have PM'ed me your email address (you should delete it now) you may get some spammers..
 
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8salacious9 said:
yeah i know what you mean, but i can see that its gonna be a good story, once youv written the whole thing il give an indepth review if you want page by page.

i sent you an email btw, also you should probably have PM'ed me your email address (you should delete it now) you may get some spammers..
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Sure :)

I've had a read of your script. It's very action orientated and I get the kind of Naruto feeling from it. My problem with it is that I didn't know what the characters looked like, so I found it hard to visualise the dialogue parts (except the little girl, she was creepy haha). But the action parts I found easy to visualise so they were pretty good :)

(also I had a do'h moment and forgot about stupid mail bots)
 
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EmilyNancyJean said:
Sure :)

I've had a read of your script. It's very action orientated and I get the kind of Naruto feeling from it. My problem with it is that I didn't know what the characters looked like, so I found it hard to visualise the dialogue parts (except the little girl, she was creepy haha). But the action parts I found easy to visualise so they were pretty good :)

(also I had a do'h moment and forgot about stupid mail bots)
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haha spot on, guess you can tell which anime i watch too much of then.

do you currently have any animation that you have on youtube or vimeo or something?

i always wanted to do an animation film, but couldnt push myself to learn it :(
 
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Hi Emily,

I had a read of the script and found it more interesting than most! Which is definitely a good thing.
The opening was good and got me interested straight away.

I agree at times it did feel like I was reading a book and some of the descriptions could be pulled back a bit.

But other than that, its a good start! and i look forward to reading the rest...

Would you be interested in reading a script I have recently wrote and hope to film in the first part of next year... I need a females perspective on it! haha

If you are interested you can send me your email at: contact@absolutionfilms.com
 
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8salacious9 said:
haha spot on, guess you can tell which anime i watch too much of then.

do you currently have any animation that you have on youtube or vimeo or something?

i always wanted to do an animation film, but couldnt push myself to learn it :(
Click to expand...

I have a few bits and bobs on my vimeo account;
https://vimeo.com/41145483

Animation is considerably different to film. But it's still a whole boat full of fun at the same time though. I think if you have an interest in animation then you should go for it and try it. There are quite a few helpful websites and books out there :)

Absolution_Films said:
Hi Emily,

I had a read of the script and found it more interesting than most! Which is definitely a good thing.
The opening was good and got me interested straight away.

I agree at times it did feel like I was reading a book and some of the descriptions could be pulled back a bit.

But other than that, its a good start! and i look forward to reading the rest...

Would you be interested in reading a script I have recently wrote and hope to film in the first part of next year... I need a females perspective on it! haha

If you are interested you can send me your email at: contact@absolutionfilms.com
Click to expand...

Wow, thankyou! That is quite a compliment :')

Which parts did you think were too descriptive in particular?

Sure, i'll give anything a read :)
 
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I liked the narrative and was left wanting more. However, I am not really qualified to comment on the scripting. I will say it's more like a shooting script than a standard script, but I als write like that, so I'm fine with that. Is this to be animated? Because it would be hard to get the emotion required, I think.
 
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Kinsler said:
I liked the narrative and was left wanting more. However, I am not really qualified to comment on the scripting. I will say it's more like a shooting script than a standard script, but I als write like that, so I'm fine with that. Is this to be animated? Because it would be hard to get the emotion required, I think.
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Left wanting more? That really is quite the compliment! Thankyou :)
I see what you mean about more like a shooting script, because i'll be the one shooting it I think that's why it sounds so different to normal scripts.

No no, this is going to be all live action :)
 
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First of all I am no expert and it is completely imho.
Nothing personal etc - if you want some criticism you can unspoil it rolling mouse over :P


No offence,but I think you need to do some reasearch and start over. Formulate a plot - 3 act standard story development.

First of all - where is the conflict? Where is attention grabbing? I am bored by the end of 1st page tbh. If you count actual actions (or beats) in your script - there is hardly one - she runs away.

instead of putting details - put actions first.

Imagine this -

Girl runs away in the field.
She looks around and sees a man with a gun? or w/e desnt't matter chasing her.
She sees a house.
Runs toward it,tries to open the door it is locked.
She knocks,bangs - intercuts with man,creature w/e getting closer.
Than the door opens a guy lets her in. (or no guy w/e)
She looks through the window - noone is there.
Than for a final beat - she sees that men's shoes are dirty and he has same gun,or smth from the creature/man chasing her in the field. Some smiles,screams w/e before black out.


I spent 1 minute writing it - obv it is not good or original,but I managed to pack much more actions. And if you want you can always add details to the above SPINE of the script to polish it. But when you start with details not having a good structure in mind,it doesn't seems to stick together too well.
 
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baoliun said:
First of all I am no expert and it is completely imho.
Nothing personal etc - if you want some criticism you can unspoil it rolling mouse over :P


No offence,but I think you need to do some reasearch and start over. Formulate a plot - 3 act standard story development.

First of all - where is the conflict? Where is attention grabbing? I am bored by the end of 1st page tbh. If you count actual actions (or beats) in your script - there is hardly one - she runs away.

instead of putting details - put actions first.

Imagine this -

Girl runs away in the field.
She looks around and sees a man with a gun? or w/e desnt't matter chasing her.
She sees a house.
Runs toward it,tries to open the door it is locked.
She knocks,bangs - intercuts with man,creature w/e getting closer.
Than the door opens a guy lets her in. (or no guy w/e)
She looks through the window - noone is there.
Than for a final beat - she sees that men's shoes are dirty and he has same gun,or smth from the creature/man chasing her in the field. Some smiles,screams w/e before black out.


I spent 1 minute writing it - obv it is not good or original,but I managed to pack much more actions. And if you want you can always add details to the above SPINE of the script to polish it. But when you start with details not having a good structure in mind,it doesn't seems to stick together too well.
Click to expand...

Thankyou for you criticism, I appreciate you taking the time to read and write lengthy feedback :)

In answer to your questions:
Conflict doesn't necessarily have to be visual and physical conflict like you describe, it's more psychological conflict that I'm going for. The reason I didn't have her running away for a lengthy amount of time because that is the set up of the story, rather than a conflict. The conflict comes in terms of awkward air in the house, her gut feelings over her mind etc.

I think my story is attention grabbing, it's just not extreme 'look here then here then there's this' type of story, it's far more subtle and character driven. You're the first person to say it's not attention grabbing, but not all stories are for everyone so it's okay :)

I disagree with having a -solid- 3 act structure in short films. Short films obviously aren't the length of feature films so you have more area to experiment with story. I've seen plenty of short films that don't have the standard structure and work.

I will work on the detail though, the majority of people have said there's a little too much detail so ill work on that :)
 
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