Heya!
First of all, I need to share the fact that I have never actually written a proper script before. I've half-written scripts for short-projects that I've directed myself. The projects were done with friends. Having a loose script was done on purpose as I wished to allow myself and the actors more freedom and room for improv.
Anywhu, I've not done anything (film-related) in more than two years due to work/university. Now that summer is upon us soon, I've the time to finally put a long-time in-the-waiting-script on paper. With this I hope to go from student/friend-based projects to a proper short-film - festival-quality and all that.
I worry though, because this specific script does not have a lot of dialogue and is not supposed to in the first place, mind you. To me it looks great, obviously, but I worry that potential funding/production-partners might not see it with similar eyes.
I have here a section of a scene from the script. We find the main character of the story at a hospital in a waiting-room, there to receive some test results.
A large, round clock ticking away time, nailed to a white wall is the dominant sound, dictating the gloomy mood. The more one ignores it, the sharper its ticking noise seems to penetrate one's ears. MICHAEL stares at it with great vexation. Sitting on a stiff couch, he struggles with achieving comfort. Perhaps it's not the couch, but the fact that he finds himself here, waiting to receive answers to questions that he does not wish to ask. There are two other people waiting, separated by a table; a YOUNG WOMAN (22), beautiful and voluptuous, sitting to his left on a different couch and an OLD LADY (63), your everyday-grandmother, sitting to his right on a chair. MICHAEL is restless. Tapping his fingers onto his knees, he rocks gently where he sits. Eventually, he stops and with a massive sigh, he surrenders completely to the ever-growing boredom as he sinks deeper into the couch - his chin now touching his chest. He stares into nothingness for a good while, but his gaze eventually shifts towards the left and onto the YOUNG WOMAN. She's typing away on her phone, scrolling through story-times of people she does not truly care about. She stops, as if feeling his depressing gaze upon herself. With a cautious turn of the head, eye contact is made as she is now clearly questioning his motives. Either day-dreaming or armed with the reaction-speed of a sloth, MICHAEL fails to break the eye contact, or capitalise on it.
I feel like this could be shortened, more than just trimmed, I suppose. But I also fear that in doing so, chunks that give essence and "taste" to the script will be sliced off in the process. I'm aware of the fact that you need to leave room for interpretation in regards to the reader, but what if he won't see it in its "true colours"?
What say you?
First of all, I need to share the fact that I have never actually written a proper script before. I've half-written scripts for short-projects that I've directed myself. The projects were done with friends. Having a loose script was done on purpose as I wished to allow myself and the actors more freedom and room for improv.
Anywhu, I've not done anything (film-related) in more than two years due to work/university. Now that summer is upon us soon, I've the time to finally put a long-time in-the-waiting-script on paper. With this I hope to go from student/friend-based projects to a proper short-film - festival-quality and all that.
I worry though, because this specific script does not have a lot of dialogue and is not supposed to in the first place, mind you. To me it looks great, obviously, but I worry that potential funding/production-partners might not see it with similar eyes.
I have here a section of a scene from the script. We find the main character of the story at a hospital in a waiting-room, there to receive some test results.
A large, round clock ticking away time, nailed to a white wall is the dominant sound, dictating the gloomy mood. The more one ignores it, the sharper its ticking noise seems to penetrate one's ears. MICHAEL stares at it with great vexation. Sitting on a stiff couch, he struggles with achieving comfort. Perhaps it's not the couch, but the fact that he finds himself here, waiting to receive answers to questions that he does not wish to ask. There are two other people waiting, separated by a table; a YOUNG WOMAN (22), beautiful and voluptuous, sitting to his left on a different couch and an OLD LADY (63), your everyday-grandmother, sitting to his right on a chair. MICHAEL is restless. Tapping his fingers onto his knees, he rocks gently where he sits. Eventually, he stops and with a massive sigh, he surrenders completely to the ever-growing boredom as he sinks deeper into the couch - his chin now touching his chest. He stares into nothingness for a good while, but his gaze eventually shifts towards the left and onto the YOUNG WOMAN. She's typing away on her phone, scrolling through story-times of people she does not truly care about. She stops, as if feeling his depressing gaze upon herself. With a cautious turn of the head, eye contact is made as she is now clearly questioning his motives. Either day-dreaming or armed with the reaction-speed of a sloth, MICHAEL fails to break the eye contact, or capitalise on it.
I feel like this could be shortened, more than just trimmed, I suppose. But I also fear that in doing so, chunks that give essence and "taste" to the script will be sliced off in the process. I'm aware of the fact that you need to leave room for interpretation in regards to the reader, but what if he won't see it in its "true colours"?
What say you?
