• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Globster- First Few Scenes

NickClapper

NickClapper

Whoops.

I just managed to delete about 20 pages of this off Celtx and have no idea how to get them back. Not a huge problem, I know what they were, but a tad annoying.

Anyhow I won't let that spoil this glorious, cloudy National Holiday!

Here are the first few scenes of a feature screenplay I'm working on called Globster. Please read as much or as little as you'd like. All comments/feedback is appreciated.

I can't give you much context other than to say that it's set in England mainly in the town of Winchelsea (on Kent's south coast) and London.

Just to compound matters my mouse just ran out of batteries. Is it just me or do these Mac mice eat batteries like they're cheese?

Globster (First Few Scenes)
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
I've just read the first 14 pages, but I'll certainly read the rest when I get chance tomorrow! Seem's like a good story so far, it certainly has me wanting to see what's next. It's very concise, I like it. There's just enough information in there to convey the image, very good.

Couple of things I've spotted, nothing major at all;

Top of page four, Penny's dialogue, you've written "(I’m always saying that, aren’t I?)" in brackets. Any reason for this? I know it's kind-of an aside to what she's actually saying, but surely those brackets would be better of as commas? Or is this a screenplay formatting issue that I've missed?

Top of page 14, you've got a spelling mistake on the word Ocean. ;)

Other than that, it looks good! I'll read the rest tomorrow!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
So far so good. Intriguing premises are laid down. A pretty complex ensemble of characters has been introduced. Each individual has been sketched vividly with a distinctive personality and voice.

I particularly liked the contrast between the boring small town and the extraordinary thing that takes place.

The script is well fleshed with interesting details and sharp observations. For instance, the way Alan and Penny or Garth and Carol behave towards each other says a lot about their relationship.

I liked the occasional touch of humor. It’s always good to have an idiot in the ensemble.

There was a good suspense before the thing is revealed to us.

A few minor gripes:

1) The stealing of the thing by Dustin and Callum was a bit too easy. Maybe you should add a little accident to spice it up a bit.

2) When Garth is introduced, we see him call Carol “dear”, which sounds a bit like Penny to me.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I did finally get to read it. And I read all 32 or so pages. I am in a bit of a quandary with it. It is really a masterful development. I like the way you develop each vignette and bring them together. The threads are wonderfully orchestrated. The characters are well developed. The dialogue seems spot on. In reading it, I wanted to know more. So given all these positives, something about it made it seem to drag on.

On one hand, I wanted to know what would happen next. On the other, I found myself looking to see how many more pages there were. Honestly, it could simply be me and my shrinking attention span. Take out all the f**k's and it could be a family feature when it's finished and proofed.

It is well-crafted. There are the few spelling errors (live -> leave, oceon -> ocean, etc.). Again, it's a paradox. I wish I could put my finger on the pacing issue. I love the way it is written. I'm curious of other people's impressions. It is certainly worth finishing!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
mad_hatter said:
Top of page four, Penny's dialogue, you've written "(I’m always saying that, aren’t I?)" in brackets. Any reason for this? I know it's kind-of an aside to what she's actually saying, but surely those brackets would be better of as commas? Or is this a screenplay formatting issue that I've missed?

Top of page 14, you've got a spelling mistake on the word Ocean. ;)
Click to expand...

Brackets are something I use all the time when I'm writing but I know that a lot of people don't like them. It's slightly trickier with a screenplay (because brackets, like these, have a specific technical usage) but I think that people overuse and misuse commas. But if it's confusing perhaps I should take it out.

Haven't you heard of OCEON, the hot new nightclub in Winchelsea? ;)

Thanks for reading M_H, I appreciate the feedback!

Theodebernacius said:
1) The stealing of the thing by Dustin and Callum was a bit too easy. Maybe you should add a little accident to spice it up a bit.

2) When Garth is introduced, we see him call Carol “dear”, which sounds a bit like Penny to me.
Click to expand...

I hadn't thought about the first point at all but you might be right. I'll have a think and see if I can come up with something that adds a little bit more 'dramatic tension' to the heist.

Second point: Yer, I wanted Gareth to come across as patronising and obnoxious, but I should probably change that particular word if I'm carrying it over from Penny's dialogue.

Cheers :)

FantasySciFi said:
I did finally get to read it. And I read all 32 or so pages. I am in a bit of a quandary with it. It is really a masterful development. I like the way you develop each vignette and bring them together. The threads are wonderfully orchestrated. The characters are well developed. The dialogue seems spot on. In reading it, I wanted to know more. So given all these positives, something about it made it seem to drag on.

On one hand, I wanted to know what would happen next. On the other, I found myself looking to see how many more pages there were. Honestly, it could simply be me and my shrinking attention span. Take out all the f**k's and it could be a family feature when it's finished and proofed.

It is well-crafted. There are the few spelling errors (live -> leave, oceon -> ocean, etc.). Again, it's a paradox. I wish I could put my finger on the pacing issue. I love the way it is written. I'm curious of other people's impressions. It is certainly worth finishing!
Click to expand...

Hmmm... this is a tricky one for me too.

I'm not sure what to say about the pacing issue, I wonder if it's a problem for other people. To be honest 40 pages was a little bit too much for me to post here and that might have contributed but it might simply be that it is too slow. Perhaps as Theodebernacius says I should add a little bit more 'action' bits and pieces...

I had an idea that it might work as a sort of adult Five Children and It but it's chiefly based on the Montauk Monster that washed up very near my home in the US. So I'm not sure how well it would work as a family feature...

But you've certainly given me food for thought and something to do during the revisions! ;)

Thanks everyone :yes:
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Enjoying it so far, Nick.

I'm just about twenty pages in, so I'm not yet far enough to comment on the pacing issues. However, I thought the characters are ticking all the right boxes. I feel the dialogue is authentic, there are times I had to double check who said what, but like I said, I haven't read enough to truly comment.

Reading well so far, I'll update once I'm further along.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I didn't have any problem with the pacing.

I'm wondering how long the whole thing is gonna be. When I read it, it felt like the beginning of a full length feature film. For a short, it's probably too complex already.

I'd say it has the potential to become a nice coming-of-age story in the manner of "Stand by me". From the beginning it looks like Katy might be the central character, the one who will learn something from the adventure.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Theodebernacius said:
I didn't have any problem with the pacing.

I'm wondering how long the whole thing is gonna be. When I read it, it felt like the beginning of a full length feature film. For a short, it's probably too complex already.

I'd say it has the potential to become a nice coming-of-age story in the manner of "Stand by me". From the beginning it looks like Katy might be the central character, the one who will learn something from the adventure.
Click to expand...

It's a feature script. I agree that the set up (which is 40 pages long!) is too complex for a short.

Yep I would say it's an ensemble piece but the two leads are Katy and Dustin who go/are going to go head to head before a certain, shall we say 'deus ex machina' moment ;)

Flicker Pictures said:
I have the PDF saved to my desktop, Nick. When I can squeeze in a read I'll certainly get you some feedback. Based on the comments above it sounds promising.
Click to expand...

Cheers Jeff, I hope you enjoy! :cheers:
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Well after I accidentally deleted 20 odd pages *sob* I've really struggled to get back to writing this because I hate rewriting things I've already written. I've been working on my short film but that's basically entailed sitting at the computer, waiting- aka prime writing time.

So, can someone (anyone) set me a goal that I have to deliver on in the next two days...? I need someone else to motivate me because, at the moment, my motivation is pretty low...

Cheers,
Nick
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I think Ross and Rachel killed the "take a break" line 15 years ago.

There has to be a better way of phrasing this scene.

It also sounds like she didn't mean break at all, but just wants to dump his sorry ass.

Then the second conversation about seagulls is also something I've seen before. Flying rats -- it's a very old subject.

"Better be... or I'll kill her?"

What's motivating this? How you get from an opinion about the weather to murder just doesn't ring true. There's no logical connection. Unmotivated plot directions that can just go anywhere don't inspire confidence. You become suspect, instantly.

Then what does this Penny/Alan scene have to do with it? Why is it necessary to stick that there?

The next scene seems to hook up the previous characters, but the old lady is not really part of the story at that point.

Again it jumps to the Penny/Alan pair, but why? It's all sort of banal slice of life stuff. What's the story? And honestly, think about how much you can just cut.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
polfilmblog said:
I think Ross and Rachel killed the "take a break" line 15 years ago.

There has to be a better way of phrasing this scene.

It also sounds like she didn't mean break at all, but just wants to dump his sorry ass.
Click to expand...

Hmm... there might be better ways of conveying this but that last bit is precisely what I want it to come across as. She's trying to be gentle when really she wants to tell him to fuck off.

Then the second conversation about seagulls is also something I've seen before. Flying rats -- it's a very old subject.

"Better be... or I'll kill her?"

What's motivating this? How you get from an opinion about the weather to murder just doesn't ring true. There's no logical connection. Unmotivated plot directions that can just go anywhere don't inspire confidence. You become suspect, instantly.
Click to expand...

Suspect away! :lol: It's meaningless banter that has no bearing on the rest of the plot.

Then what does this Penny/Alan scene have to do with it? Why is it necessary to stick that there?
Click to expand...

Because they're two of the central characters and I felt it would be rude not to ever introduce them!

The next scene seems to hook up the previous characters, but the old lady is not really part of the story at that point.

Again it jumps to the Penny/Alan pair, but why? It's all sort of banal slice of life stuff. What's the story? And honestly, think about how much you can just cut.
Click to expand...

I don't want to sound defensive but this critique is kind of pointless given that I can tell that you didn't even read ten pages. About ten pages in the titular character makes an appearance and it becomes very obvious why those characters were introduced and, indeed, why their conversations are deliberately plain and everyday.

I know the first few pages are important to hook a reader but I just think it's unnecessary to offer advice like 'why not cut Penny and Alan' when you don't even know what the story is about yet.

Anyhow thanks for reading (in so much as you did ;) ), hopefully I'll have some more written pretty soon.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top