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Does this logline work?

Z

Zaq

Logline: After a trifle argument over a clogged sink spirals toward a murder-suicide, a damaged couple must quickly find a way to repair their relationship before it’s too late.

Hello guys, I'm just looking for any and all kinds of feedback to see if this logline sparks any interest at all. Cheers and happy holidays.
 
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Zaq said:
Logline: After a trifle argument over a clogged sink spirals toward a murder-suicide, a damaged couple must quickly find a way to repair their relationship before it’s too late.
Click to expand...

I think u need to elaborate more on why the couple need to "repair their relationship before it's too late" as it is a bit unusual to apply the "clock's ticking" scenario to relationships in need of repair.
 
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I have no idea what the movie is supposed to be about. Who are the protagonists? The couple? Were they the ones arguing? If so, who is the victim?

Your logline raises way too many questions, and not the ''damn I have to see this movie'' questions, but the ''hold on... what?'' questions.

Also I had to read it 3 times to even comprehend the structure. I know every screenwriting book recommends to avoid overly simple adjectives, but using overly complicated and rare ones is just as bad.

A logline should...:
1.) ...be easy to read and understand. (If you have to stop to spell out words for yourself, it's already bad.)
2.) ...clearly tell us what the central conflict is. (WHY do they have to to repair their relationship? What happens if it's too late? How are they connected to the victim? Did they kill him, or just accidentally caused his death? And who the hell is the victim? Is he important? If not, why does he take up the FIRST half of the logline?
3.) ...establish who the main characters are. (I guess the couple, but we don't even know if they are married or not, let alone their personalities.)
 
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AFTER????

:lol:

Dudeeeeeee. I think it's a tad too late once the murder-suicide takes place... :rofl:
 
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Gabe-KC said:
I have no idea what the movie is supposed to be about. Who are the protagonists? The couple? Were they the ones arguing? If so, who is the victim?

Your logline raises way too many questions, and not the ''damn I have to see this movie'' questions, but the ''hold on... what?'' questions.

Also I had to read it 3 times to even comprehend the structure. I know every screenwriting book recommends to avoid overly simple adjectives, but using overly complicated and rare ones is just as bad.

A logline should...:
1.) ...be easy to read and understand. (If you have to stop to spell out words for yourself, it's already bad.)
2.) ...clearly tell us what the central conflict is. (WHY do they have to to repair their relationship? What happens if it's too late? How are they connected to the victim? Did they kill him, or just accidentally caused his death? And who the hell is the victim? Is he important? If not, why does he take up the FIRST half of the logline?
3.) ...establish who the main characters are. (I guess the couple, but we don't even know if they are married or not, let alone their personalities.)
Click to expand...
A logline is usually one sentence.

How can one establish who the main characters are, what their personalities
are, who the victim is, what happens if they are too late and how they are
connected to the victim in one sentence?

Can you show us an example of a logline that does all of that?

I'll give you a few examples of good loglines:
The aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son.
The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster's wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of violence and redemption.
After living a life marked by coldness, an aging professor is forced to confront the emptiness of his existence.

None of those answer all the questions you pose, Gabe-KC. Perhaps you
are asking too much from a logline.

Zaq - I think it's a fine logline. Clearly people do not understand it so
it fails. I agree with pedramyz; the "clock ticking" element is unusual
so maybe there is something more to this story than you are telling us.

It does not make me interested in seeing it. But that's entirely due to
the relationship repair part. I like that something simple causes something
drastic. Loglines are a bitch, aren't they?

I gotta say I LOVE Quality's take on it. The couple works to fix their
relationship after one kills the other and commits suicide.
 
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directorik said:
A logline is usually one sentence.

How can one establish who the main characters are, what their personalities
are, who the victim is, what happens if they are too late and how they are
connected to the victim in one sentence?

Can you show us an example of a logline that does all of that?

I'll give you a few examples of good loglines:
The aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son.
The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster's wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of violence and redemption.
After living a life marked by coldness, an aging professor is forced to confront the emptiness of his existence.

None of those answer all the questions you pose, Gabe-KC. Perhaps you
are asking too much from a logline.

Zaq - I think it's a fine logline. Clearly people do not understand it so
it fails. I agree with pedramyz; the "clock ticking" element is unusual
so maybe there is something more to this story than you are telling us.

It does not make me interested in seeing it. But that's entirely due to
the relationship repair part. I like that something simple causes something
drastic. Loglines are a bitch, aren't they?

I gotta say I LOVE Quality's take on it. The couple works to fix their
relationship after one kills the other and commits suicide.
Click to expand...


You totally missed my point. I meant that the logline establishes way too many questions, and we have no idea what the movie was supposed to be about. Maybe you would buy a ticket because it sounds like a fine crime drama, then it turns out that it's actually a relationship drama and there is no mention of the murder outside of the first scene, in which case the logline is misleading.

The Godfather logline is a really good one, yet it describes only the central conflict of a nearly 3 hour long movie. We understand the two most important aspects: it's about a crime family and the two main characters are probably an old man nearing his death and a passionate young man. If you buy your ticket based on that, you will get exactly what you wanted. But what if I phrased it like this?

''After a revenge for his father's assault goes wrong, the son of an aging patriarch of a crime family flees the country, but soon inherits his father's empire and must find his own way.''

This is like the Godfather counterpart of Zaq's logline. The first half is focused on something totally irrelevant to the main conflict. The movie is not about Michael's revenge. Otherwise, it would end after the restaurant scene. It doesn't give us a clear description of Michael, which means that we don't understand what ''must find his own way'' means. Also, it's not clear where the movie is supposed to take place (since fleeing is mentioned).

The original logline of The Godfather, although nearly half as short, explained what the story would be about in a much more clear sense, and whatever questions it doesn't want the audience to think about just yet, it simply omits.
 
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The logline is wordy and awkward but I think i grasp the film (maybe? let me know)

It's one of those one/minimal location type films like Dog Day Afternoon, where a troubled couple reaches a breaking point, one of them to the point of an initiated or attempted murder suicide, and the film is them working their way out of it.
 
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All fair points here. I have a clear idea of the story but I'm struggling to break it down within a sentence, especially one that's concise and clear. You've pretty much nailed it Indietalk, although the fact that there was so much confusion leads me to believe that this logline belongs in the trash. I have taken one more attempt at it since then.

A couple’s life falls apart after a trivial argument over a clogged sink spirals into an attempted murder.


It might not be much better but thanks for having a chat about it anyway. Cheers
 
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You need to forget about the clogged sink and argument in the logline. Way too micro, you need to think macro.

Let me ask, is this a real time film? Does this situation last about two hours, or does the film span days, weeks, months?
 
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Zaq said:
A couple’s life falls apart after a trivial argument over a clogged sink spirals into an attempted murder.
Click to expand...

Gave it a crack for you:

After a trivial argument, a damaged couple's life falls into a spiral of mayhem, suspicion and murder.

Notes:
I don't think the adjective damaged works here as it could mean so many things. They're your characters so tell us how they are damaged in one word and use that adjective instead.

I would say the bit about the sink could be included if it is integral to the plot of the movie and obvious from the outset. Maybe if the title or poster was related to the sink it would make sense.

It sounds like the principal characters have to save their relationship from your first logline. This could be included after my logline's first sentence, but you'd need to tell us a little more about how and why we should care about their relationship.

Other than that it sounds interesting, I like the idea of a trivial argument leading to something much bigger like murder. I'd be happy to read some of it.
 
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