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"THE STANDBY" Short Crime Screenplay

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fernando97echeverria

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Greetings all, today I re-watched Reservoir Dogs and I loved the use of the common twist of a robbery accomplice being an undercover cop. So afterwards, on my 1987 Smith Corona word processor that I bought some months ago at a garage sale (which, coincidentially, is the same one Tarantino has used to write all his films) shot out a little 6-page screenplay for a rat-amongst-us crime short. Give it a read if you can, and pardon the few curses, as I put them as necessary since they’re urban criminals :cool: . Any feedback would be appreciated, thanks!

LINK TO SCRIPT IN PDF FORM:

http://www.mediafire.com/?62p372p83bwlp35


:)

Also: Now that I actually looked back on it and read through it, my God! Terrible! Usually I write out the full script on legal pads/notebooks, edit it for months and THEN type it.

Plus: To any lurkers, don't steal this, guys. I actually kind of want to make this in high school when my friends/"actors" are old enough to play convincing criminals :lol:
 
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I dig it, dude. Cool little story.
The dialog drags a bit on page 2 and early page 3. They're just rambling to each other. I would suggest cut it down. Also the characters sound the same, there's no difference in how they talk to one another. Cut some of the swear words too, they're pointless.

Other than those changes I think this could work as a short film. Would you be the one directing?
 
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Ponty301 said:
I dig it, dude. Cool little story.
The dialog drags a bit on page 2 and early page 3. They're just rambling to each other. I would suggest cut it down. Also the characters sound the same, there's no difference in how they talk to one another. Cut some of the swear words too, they're pointless.

Other than those changes I think this could work as a short film. Would you be the one directing?
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Thanks for reading :)

That's not the first time someone's brought those pages up. I put them in there to provide backstory for a) who they're working for b) what they're waiting for c) who is nervous and who is calm. I thought I wrote Ryser as being orderly and calm while Neats was erratic and anxious. But, the reader's always right so I guess I should revise that a bit.

Yeah, I'd be directing it. Although, not any time soon. I'm 14 so none of my friends could play convincing criminals :lol: But I'll save it for someday in high school.

And the swears, oh the swears...yeah, I'll look into that. Thanks again :D
 
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Nice work. I read the draft at the first link.

I'm not fond of the site you're using though --mediafire. It requires me to allow pop-ups and then to download. The second attempt of your rewrite didn't work. Also, it started sending me additional ad pop-ups. I for one am probably not willing to go to mediafire again. Any chance you'd consider using Google doc.s?
 
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richy said:
Nice work. I read the draft at the first link.

I'm not fond of the site you're using though --mediafire. It requires me to allow pop-ups and then to download. The second attempt of your rewrite didn't work. Also, it started sending me additional ad pop-ups. I for one am probably not willing to go to mediafire again. Any chance you'd consider using Google doc.s?
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Unfortunately, not a chance :D

I want my files to be read in their Final Draft PDF form, but if mediafire's causing any problems for you I would gladly choose another site. Do you have any other suggestions for sites?
 
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I would think that you'd be able to upload your PDF's to your Google Docs. It's common practice by users in this forum. I've been able to upload my MovieMagic PDF's there. But I dunno if ones made in Final Draft are different for some reason. =)
 
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fernando97echeverria said:
Ah, I was under the impression that you had to write it on the Google Docs editor for it to show up- now it makes sense.

Will definitely start using that site now. Thanks!
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No,I have written my in Word, printed to PDf and uploaded from there. I don't think that a PDF created from another program would have any issues be loaded to Google Docs. Also, one of the reasons I haven't peeked at the script is that when I went to the site, I was bombarded with pop-up ads and I dislike having to deal with those.
 
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I liked it. Reminiscent of Reservoir Dogs. Minus some word choices in the dialogue I also think that they should be doing some sort of action while waiting for the driver. I understand that their waiting is intergral to the story but I would think that they would be walking around the garage, especially Neats if he is trying to portray an angry/nervous criminal instead of what it seems like just standing around.
 
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