Hit me with your wisdom, folks.
- People are stupid. Have been for a long time. Future ain't looking much better. Deal.
- Those that fail to reproduce tend to pass that trait onto their offspring.
- Give your parents a break. Even if they don't deserve it.
- For God's sake, keep a spare key to the house and car about.
- Be a hero. Carry jumper cables.
- Keep a $twenty in the car's ashtray, glovebox, wherever.
- Don't swerve to miss the dog in the road. Hit the dumb f#cker. But you gotta stop traffic to save turtles in the road and get them to a safe place. (BTW, turtles are natural hepatitis carriers, so wash your hands afterwards).
- Make asymetrical warfare work in your favor. Or just don't even get involved.
- Vote for the most immoral and depraved candidate.
- Get a library card.
- Finkle is Einhorn and Soylent Green is people.
- Quit while you're ahead.
- Karma does exist. What goes around comes around.
- Don't get mad at dogs for doing "dog" things. Who's smarter? You or the dog?
- If it's important then keep it safe. (Think balls and eyes).
- Don't tell women secrets. They can't help but blab to someone eventually.
- Most lies are not told to hurt someone. It's to keep people from KNOWING you're an idiot. Suspecting you're an idiot is one thing. Confirming it is another.
- Last night's pizza makes great breakfast today. (BTW, most Italian food tastes better two days later. IDK why).
- Wash your towels separate from your regular clothes. And don't use fabric softener on them, either. And pretty much just leave your GF/wife's clothes alone. No matter what you do, even following her directions, you'll screw it up.
- Women come with kids these days, but don't like guys that come with kids. Deal.
- TurboTax. You can do it!
- In twenty years the twenty year old girls will want nothing to do with your "old pervert" @ss. So go ahead and get caught looking down their shirts while you can. You got about another ten years to get away with it pretty easy. After that... eh... ? Don't get caught.
- Don't trust her birth control measures, studly.
- Statistically, you're more likely to be a father longer than a husband. Plan accordingly.
- Men are mean. Women are crazy. Deal.
- Teach your kids to take their lumps on the little stuff, but lie your @ss off on the big stuff. Remember: If the police are asking you questions that means they don't already have enough evidence to convict you, so shaddap! Duh!
- When your or your girlfriend's kids ask you "Do you wanna watch me play this vidiot game?!" - watch it. Ten minutes is all they really need.
- Pull over and let the kids look at roadkill once in a while. Then tell 'em to stay the h3ll outta the d@mn road unless they wanna end up the same way. Dummies.
- Mowing wet grass screws up your lawnmower.
- Don't use a line trimmer wearing shorts.
- Gloves. Use 'em. Calf skin gloves are great but don't last long.
- Scars on boobs and bellies from childbirth are like amutpated limbs and schrapnel scars on combat vets. Give homage to what she's lost.
- You're gonna be a fuhreeeeak about your first kid. A few kids later it gets a lot easier but more complicated.
- Work before play, but family always comes first.
- Its fun to worry about plane crashes, handguns, and AIDS but cardiac disease kills more Americans and UKers than anything else. IOW, Krispy Kreme kills more people than Smith & Wesson, McDonalds more than Colt.
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/lcod.htm
