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First 6 pages of a feature I'm working on - "Florida Girls"

Well, I would lie if I said I understood even a single thing, but I'm interested that's for use! :D Reminds me of a Bosch painting, where nothing seems to make any sense, but when you look at the whole picture it all makes sense (unless of course this was inspried by one of your LSD dreams, in which case this is probably all it is, but I hope not).

I really like your writing style, how you form the sentences, the words you use etc. However, I really don't like how almost all the names start with an S. Steve, Simon, Spencer. In the beginning, I always had to double check who was talking. It's better when you see the name from the corner of your eye and you already know whose line you're reading.
 
Well, I would lie if I said I understood even a single thing, but I'm interested that's for use! :D Reminds me of a Bosch painting, where nothing seems to make any sense, but when you look at the whole picture it all makes sense (unless of course this was inspried by one of your LSD dreams, in which case this is probably all it is, but I hope not).

I really like your writing style, how you form the sentences, the words you use etc. However, I really don't like how almost all the names start with an S. Steve, Simon, Spencer. In the beginning, I always had to double check who was talking. It's better when you see the name from the corner of your eye and you already know whose line you're reading.

Appreciate the feedback man. Yeah, it's very idiosyncratic, I'm aware. The goal is to submerge the audience in an unfamiliar world, not necessarily tell a story in any traditional sense, so it may not satisfy your thirst for meaning.

A widely known film with a similar goal is Inland Empire, you've probably seen it (or at least parts of it). It's the most esoteric of Lynch's work and its primary focus is mood/atmosphere. Not that I want to compare my writing to what others are doing, but it might be useful as an explanation.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words about my writing style. The S names were a big mistake, I noticed that a few days back and changed them all except Steve.
 
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All in, it's good.

I have a few issues with your creative choices. Your conversational
style “think cogs and gears” and “We'll call him” is a throwback to
Shane Black. Not suggesting you need to change, just that when you
get up the ladder to an experienced story editor they will notice you
are emulating a specific writer's style that went out of favor 25 years
ago.

It is essential to your story that there is a close up on Junkie at
that moment? If the director chose not to use that camera shot
would your story be less clear?

It's a bit unclear when you write, “Junkie, Steve, and Simon pull
up.” Because what would be on the screen is a vehicle pulling up
to the gas station. Did you consider writing what will be seen on
screen? As I'm reading I'm wondering; why are the three guys
pulling up to the gas station and then later realize they were in a
vehicle.

I wonder why you use upper case for some sounds but not others.
And why you use upper case for some things but not others. Do you
feel the reader will forget there is a speaker in the center of his face
if you don't use upper case? Or that the reader will not understand
that the light FLICKERS if you wrote “small ceiling light flickers and
faintly illuminates...”

As a reader I'm always put off by these choices. It yanks me away
from the story and reminds me I'm reading a script.

I like the imagery you set up and I get a good sense of the world in
these few pages. I only wish the writing would get out of the way and
let me enjoy the story.
 
All in, it's good.

I have a few issues with your creative choices. Your conversational
style “think cogs and gears” and “We'll call him” is a throwback to
Shane Black. Not suggesting you need to change, just that when you
get up the ladder to an experienced story editor they will notice you
are emulating a specific writer's style that went out of favor 25 years
ago.

It is essential to your story that there is a close up on Junkie at
that moment? If the director chose not to use that camera shot
would your story be less clear?

It's a bit unclear when you write, “Junkie, Steve, and Simon pull
up.” Because what would be on the screen is a vehicle pulling up
to the gas station. Did you consider writing what will be seen on
screen? As I'm reading I'm wondering; why are the three guys
pulling up to the gas station and then later realize they were in a
vehicle.

I wonder why you use upper case for some sounds but not others.
And why you use upper case for some things but not others. Do you
feel the reader will forget there is a speaker in the center of his face
if you don't use upper case? Or that the reader will not understand
that the light FLICKERS if you wrote “small ceiling light flickers and
faintly illuminates...”

As a reader I'm always put off by these choices. It yanks me away
from the story and reminds me I'm reading a script.

I like the imagery you set up and I get a good sense of the world in
these few pages. I only wish the writing would get out of the way and
let me enjoy the story.

Appreciate the feedback my man.

Yeah, I'll be honest, I try to avoid the Blackisms but they tend to leak out no matter how hard I try. I'm well aware they aren't particularly 'in style' these days. I should probably restrain myself a bit more.

As for mentioning camera placement, I'll be directing this project (if it's greenlit that is) and so I find it useful. And to be frank, I actually prefer screenplays with specific camera placement details. I know it's generally taught as a 'no no' but for me, it paints a clearer picture in my head of what the film is supposed to be. People will say, 'focus on the story', but because film is a visual medium I don't personally see an issue with it. Just a matter of taste though I guess.

And as far as the inconsistent UPPER CASE, you're right, it's obnoxious, thanks for pointing that out. I'm gonna go back to the drawing board on that, and try to use it only when absolutely necessary.

If you're distracted by some Blackisms and an inconsistent writing style then I definitely have to adjust some things. I'm glad you're mostly enjoying it though.
 
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That was interesting. Visually it makes me think it would be animated. Maybe even a black and white pencil animation.

I wasn't sure why the key was SPENCER and then the guy asked for SPENCER and then later a SPENCER was collecting creatures, etc. at the end.
 
That was interesting. Visually it makes me think it would be animated. Maybe even a black and white pencil animation.

I wasn't sure why the key was SPENCER and then the guy asked for SPENCER and then later a SPENCER was collecting creatures, etc. at the end.

Lol I'm confused man, did you not realize they're the same character?
 
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I thought I did but then it didn't make sense why the guy would have to go somewhere to get Spencer when he already had him when the guy handed him the key. If I read it right, Spencer was the key, so the guy gets Spencer, gives him to the other guy, then gets shot. But then that other guy has to drive to a laundromat, go into a back room and insert Spencer (the key) in a box and then asks for Spencer.

Couldn't you just cut out the whole part after the gas station because he has Spencer at that point (in the form of a key)?
 
I thought I did but then it didn't make sense why the guy would have to go somewhere to get Spencer when he already had him when the guy handed him the key. If I read it right, Spencer was the key, so the guy gets Spencer, gives him to the other guy, then gets shot. But then that other guy has to drive to a laundromat, go into a back room and insert Spencer (the key) in a box and then asks for Spencer.

Couldn't you just cut out the whole part after the gas station because he has Spencer at that point (in the form of a key)?

Ah, I see where your confusion is coming from. The key isn't Spencer, it's the way to contact Spencer. It was shaped like a tiny Spencer initially to symbolize that it was the correct key.

I'll have to clarify this somehow, thanks for mentioning it.
 
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