Thanks for the reply, really appreciate it. I intentionally write with those questions unanswered because it, in my mind, leaves the audience wanting more. I like to write short scripts that feel a lot bigger, so it can be developed into feature length - like a window into a specific moment in time. Would you say that style works in a short film format?
It depends on whether you want to irritate your audience. What works in a short story doesn't always translate well to screen. Short films still should tell a story. Use your three act structure. There are lots of references.
For Sarah, she looks into David's eyes, who has he mutations rather than Sarah, and that shows the connection between him and his brother. Maybe I should make that clearer... Also they're on the run, so they can never stay in one place for too long, perhaps I should make that a bit clearer too.
I didn't clearly get a picture that they were related. Just a guy chasing after them ending in a gun battle. You need to slow down, develop your characters and introduce your plot. If I had to summarize it, "A guy goes to his hotel room, a girl appears who seems hot for him with a special power. Government men break in and shoot to kill but the girl moves them to a different place." That's not much of a story. It's just a segment. The eye stuff doesn't really mean much, nor are the relationships very clear. You have a lot of development that needs to be done.
I totally agree with the beginning though. I originally tried to make a fight scene in the beginning, but it didn't fit well with the pace when he entered the hotel. I'd say that if he jumped into the room, it would undermine his sensible, cautious nature (when he mentions "I told you not to jump").
It doesn't matter to the audience because you've not made it clear that jumping can be tracked. You have lots of back story in your head that the audience isn't privvy to knowing. The result is its just a blur of incomprehensible activity that's over right as it starts. Not trying to be hard but I really need to emphasize the importance of developing your characters and using a solid storytelling structure.
Act 1a - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
Act 1b - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
Act 2a - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
Act 2b - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
Act 3a - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Act 3b - Resolution and the Ever After
Right now, it feels more like we've been thrown into "1b" without the benefit of "1a" or the action and resolution of the later acts. To draw on "Star Wars", it would be like walking into the movie when Luke first meets Obi Wan and returns to find his aunt and uncle as toast then getting up and leaving. It would give a very disappointing sense of what the movie is about. Story is very important.
