You have a lot of wasted space and include lots of detail that isn't needed. This isn't a short story. You need to cut out a lot of the description and get into the action. The opening segment is redundant with the black scene and breathing. It doesn't ADD anything. As a writer, you need to focus on story, not what the movie will look like. If you really want it, include it in the description of the scene.
Code:
EXT. GRASSLAND – DAY
Heavy, robotic breathing.
A MASKED MAN wears a gas mask with a black hoodie tucked
over his head. He has a black backpack and grips a rifle
strapped over his torso.
He gazes at cabin. He grips the gun and readies for action.
He starts forward along the path.
Only describe what is being seen. Realize that the audience doesn't have access to that back information. You also include way too much description.
Code:
EXT. GRASSLAND (IN FRONT OF CABIN) - DAY
An unnamed WOMAN IN RED, stands outside the cabin. She
wears a red dress that protrudes from the dark amber cabin.
Her face is dirty. Her dress is tearing and stained with sweat.
She hasn’t taken a shower in weeks, maybe months. She
enters the cabin - the man continues to gaze in her direction.
INT. WOODEN CABIN - DAY
The Woman in Red appears to be nonchalant. It has been a
while since she’s seen another human face. It’s been a while
since she’s had to fend for her own safety.
This would translate to:
Code:
EXT. FRONT OF CABIN - DAY
WOMAN IN RED (early 30s) stands outside the cabin in a torn
red dress stained with sweat. Her face is dirty. She carries
firewood in her arms from around the side.
She enters the cabin.
From the path, the masked man gazes in her direction.
INT. WOODEN CABIN - DAY
The Woman in Red moves to set the firewood by the chimney.
As spartan as it seems, it only describes what the viewer actually sees and knowledge they have access to. The paragraph is broken up into shots. Realistically, unless you're shooting this yourself, you don't know what this cabin will look like. So "dark amber" is irrelevant detail. Can we know her bathing habits? Obviously she's unnamed at this point if she's only "woman in red". What does nonchalant look like isolated in a cabin? There has to be some purpose to her action. In this case, I had her gathering firewood. How would we know she hasn't seen a human in a long time from seeing her on the screen? I'm not trying to be hard on you. Screenwriting is about creating a visual depiction of what the viewer would see and how they would learn the story. This makes it much harder than novel or short story writing where you have the luxury of giving details.
You give redundant description.
Code:
He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a pair of zip ties. He
zip ties her hands and pushes her to the ground. This only
intensifies the her sobbing.
He then zip ties her feet. The woman is rendered motionless.
She continues to sob.
With the Woman restrained, the Masked Man starts to question
her.
MASKED MAN:
How long have you been here?
It's obvious she's restrained. Is it realistic that she'd not struggle? He asks a question, so stating that is unneeded. It could have been written:
Code:
He reaches into his backpack, pulls out a pair of zip ties and
secures her hands. He pushes her to the ground.
She sobs in hysterics, struggling and kicking. He grips his gun
and she settles down as he zip ties her feet. He stands and
gazes down at her.
She cowers while crying.
MASKED MAN
How long have you been here?
You should also use proper formatting. There is no colon after the character's name. There are a variety of templates. Or you can use CeltX which is a free program.
My difficulty is that the formatting, the writing style and pacing make it hard to read. The dialogue isn't bad but drags. Especially from page 10 to 17. It's very repetitive. My honest suggestion is to slash and tighten it up. You're a verbal writer--you're good with words. But you rely on them. This isn't a stage play. You need to cut to the chase.
Now, it may sound as if I don't like it but quite the contrary, I think you have a very strong story. It's the presentation that I'm having difficulty with. I like the story. It's predictable but that's fine. You just need to do a lot of work on the formatting and structure. This could be a very fine, tight 15 minute short. Good luck.
