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Short Script

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This is my new screenplay entitled 'Personal' (working title) it will be something I am going to direct and therefore has directions in it. It is about two people in a cafe who don't really know each other and are making a deal to tell something personal about themselves to the other while one of their friends is gone off to get drinks. They all hang out in the same circle of friends but have never interacted with one another so now is their chance.

Opinons and feedback would be grateful as always even just a one worded opinion.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUbkFlUi1FOF9KN28/edit?usp=sharing

IT IS 15 PAGES LONG OF THE ACTUAL SCRIPT.
 
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Clearly this script is written for you to shoot so all the shots
and camera placement is just fine. My suggestion is you try
one draft in standard format. This version is difficult to read.
Rather than reading your story I find myself wondering about
your camera shots.
 
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That was an interesting read. The beginning felt a bit forced as in the reason why Rory and Mindy were left alone by Peter, and so if his (Peter's) dialogue was taken out completely until the point where he says, "Well I'll go get the drinks then." I feel it would make the opening scene before Peter leaves the first time more natural.

Apart from that the story overall was interesting. The dialogue itself was written well, it felt natural and realistic. The contrast between Mindy's personal story and Rory's when you compare the two is
unbalanced as Mindy's issues aren't as severe in consequence as Rory's past actions
- however, when you look at what they confess to one another separately you feel that Mindy's is really important and personal to her, and Rory's is really important and personal to him, and that's a great example of characters and their perception being realistic to themselves. Also, the fact that Mindy
was going to tell Rory something stupid (which I took to mean either made up or just a silly thing that did happen to her) but then changed her mind was part of her character arc, so including that detail in the script was a good decision too.
 
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directorik said:
Clearly this script is written for you to shoot so all the shots
and camera placement is just fine. My suggestion is you try
one draft in standard format. This version is difficult to read.
Rather than reading your story I find myself wondering about
your camera shots.
Click to expand...

I apologize for that, I'll do another copy without the directions. I meanth to do it but I forgot. I will do now on in the future.
 
Last edited:
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PhantomScreenwriter said:
That was an interesting read. The beginning felt a bit forced as in the reason why Rory and Mindy were left alone by Peter, and so if his (Peter's) dialogue was taken out completely until the point where he says, "Well I'll go get the drinks then." I feel it would make the opening scene before Peter leaves the first time more natural.

Apart from that the story overall was interesting. The dialogue itself was written well, it felt natural and realistic. The contrast between Mindy's personal story and Rory's when you compare the two is
unbalanced as Mindy's issues aren't as severe in consequence as Rory's past actions
- however, when you look at what they confess to one another separately you feel that Mindy's is really important and personal to her, and Rory's is really important and personal to him, and that's a great example of characters and their perception being realistic to themselves. Also, the fact that Mindy
was going to tell Rory something stupid (which I took to mean either made up or just a silly thing that did happen to her) but then changed her mind was part of her character arc, so including that detail in the script was a good decision too.
Click to expand...

Thank you very much for that reply, I do find myself inproving as I write more so I try and write as much as possible. I was thinking about their stories and I felt that it was good for Mindy to open up about her past since Rory did it - she was moved.

I did start off with Peter saying "We'll I'll go get the drinks then." but I felt that there should be a reson for these to people to talk each other and that was they hang out together but never talk but I'll think it over again and write a better one. Thanks for the advice.
 
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