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Feedback for my screenplay

Hi, everyone! :cool:

I am currently writing a screenplay in a notebook. I don't have any blueprint and I don't use index cards. The big pieces of the story are in my head and I try to follow my instinct. I learn that Tarantino's creative process is a bit like that. I don't compare myself to Tarantino, it's just a little comforting for me.

These are my first ten pages in PDF thanks to Final Draft. Well, I'm not a native English speaker (I'm French). And, I just want to know what you think about my work (dialogue, description, etc.), if you understand what I write and what you understand about the story's direction for now.

I would like having your feedback and I will certainly be grateful.

My script: http://goo.gl/zYab4F
 
Welcome to indietalk. I'm glad you find comfort in knowing that Tarantino
writes the way you write.

My first advise is to try a version without camera angles and "we". Even if
you plan to direct learning how to write visually without using camera
angles can be very helpful as a writer. The dialogue is awkward to me. I'm
sure it's because you are not writing in your native language.
 
Thank you for your advices.

As you said, maybe I should try to avoid camera angles and such details.

What do you mean by akward dialogue? Can you give me an example?

And please, what do you unterstand so far about the story's direction? In your opinion, what could be the genre of my script?

There is enough mystery for this beginning? Or you can't judge.

Sorry for my English.
 
There are positive and negative aspects:

As a plus, you really have a feeling for characters and situations! It surprises me that the Cohen brothers are not among your favorite directors, because your writing definitely got a bit of almost surrealistic Cohen-humor (Think "The Dude"...)! From the first line of dialogue on, I was interrested in these characters (until later, when the script becomes weaker). These characters' unconcerned indulgence in sillyness is pretty amazing, so to speak... Characters talk, and one has the feeling they are real people. Your dialogue at the beginning reads very natural and unforced to me.

As a minus, the script misses some coherence, direction and sense. Where is something like a plotline? Doesn't have to be a tight plot, but just lining up sketch after sketch feels a bit bloodless for a movie. The humor works for me in the beginning, but then wears off, and by the third scene all initial quality is lost. The characters in the third scene don't evoke my interest anymore.

Of course, the whole script can't be judged by 10 pages, but that's all we have here.

And frankly, there are some lines and coherences I just don't get. For example, the lines on page 3: "I don't want to bother Dean anymore", "The innuendo": Maybe it's me, but I have no idea what these mean. I don't know what a "hora" is and didn't find anything on the internet. I just found the Jewish dance, and that can't be meant - again, maybe it's me (I'm neither American nor French and English is not my mother tongue either).

Generally the first scene is the best one and the third one the weakest one. So scenes get weaker one by one, which suggests that you don't have the stamina to go feature-length. If a feature script already gets a lot weaker by page 10...

Also, the English needs a lot of re-writing, but you said we shouldn't discuss that here. The script's appearance needs to be made a lot more professional (some instructions are rather unnecessary, etc...).

I enjoyed the characters at the beginning a lot.

Hope this helps.
 
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Hi, dear Ride The Pen!

I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your review is really interesting. First of all, I need maybe to tell you more about the plot. Nicolas, the main character, meets Stewart in the beginning of the script. Nicolas and Stewart were best friends back in high school, but because he betrays him or something like that, now they have not seen each other for several years. At least, I would say, this situation was tough for Nicolas to live. So, when he sees him again, he tries to act like he is indifferent, like he doesn't know him, neither does he.

Well, as you can expect it, it's pretty inevitable that our two guys will become closer, even if Nicolas tries to get rid of him. The reason : Stewart has a wide circle of acquaintances. We learn at the beginning that Joshua, Nicolas' best friend, and Stewart take tennis lessons in the same place. Moreover, Stewart is coming every day in the restaurant where Alice, Stewart's cousin, works. Alice was also close to Stewart in high school and she considers he is harassing her. So that's why, the two cousins compare it to an “innuendo”. They think Stewart has something in his mind and want to show them his superiority. By “hora”, Alice means “whore” (Candy). I thought it sounds a little bit like the word above-mentioned. Dean is Alice's husband. So, you weren't supposed to know his identity at this point.

What I try to do is to make the viewer feel uncertain at first. Well, Stewart seems a nice guy, he is nice with everyone even with Nicolas. He never criticizes him or says something mean. Why does Nicolas take it always wrong? Actually, there will be further a revelation in the second part. No, Stewart is not a psychopath, a serial killer or something like that. I thought that he has some troubles with some people and that Nicolas would be involved in a certain way. For example, Nicolas could be, despite himself, a witness to the kidnapping of Candy.

I just like when there is this Shakespearian inevitably. So, Nicolas has to team up with the last guy he likes on Earth. I hope this beat will feel natural. Of course, we will know more specifically about Stewart's betrayal. The story seems dark. I want it to be serious, but also funny. As you suggested, maybe a good idea would delete the third scene. Nicolas is supposed next to starting taking willingly tennis lessons. The father is supposed to play an important role in the next of the story. This the reason why I introduce him.

How can I make the third scene better and not useless? Find a conflict? And, I don't know how to emphasize the plotline and Nicolas's paranoia, makes it more dramatic. The story is more like of a psychological battle. It's difficult to put it in words.

You helped me a lot. Thank you again!
 
Hi, everyone! :cool:
I am currently writing a screenplay in a notebook. I don't have any blueprint and I don't use index cards. The big pieces of the story are in my head and I try to follow my instinct. I learn that Tarantino's creative process is a bit like that. I don't compare myself to Tarantino, it's just a little comforting for me.

I have a similar approach. Imo, if I don't remember something I thought of, it probably wasn't worth remembering anyways.

Regardless, I'll read your script tomorrow and tell you what I think ;)

EDIT: Quotes were screwed up.
 
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Hi, dear Ride The Pen!

I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your review is really interesting. First of all, I need maybe to tell you more about the plot. Nicolas, the main character, meets Stewart in the beginning of the script. Nicolas and Stewart were best friends back in high school, but because he betrays him or something like that, now they have not seen each other for several years. At least, I would say, this situation was tough for Nicolas to live. So, when he sees him again, he tries to act like he is indifferent, like he doesn't know him, neither does he.

Well, as you can expect it, it's pretty inevitable that our two guys will become closer, even if Nicolas tries to get rid of him. The reason : Stewart has a wide circle of acquaintances. We learn at the beginning that Joshua, Nicolas' best friend, and Stewart take tennis lessons in the same place. Moreover, Stewart is coming every day in the restaurant where Alice, Stewart's cousin, works. Alice was also close to Stewart in high school and she considers he is harassing her. So that's why, the two cousins compare it to an “innuendo”. They think Stewart has something in his mind and want to show them his superiority. By “hora”, Alice means “whore” (Candy). I thought it sounds a little bit like the word above-mentioned. Dean is Alice's husband. So, you weren't supposed to know his identity at this point.

What I try to do is to make the viewer feel uncertain at first. Well, Stewart seems a nice guy, he is nice with everyone even with Nicolas. He never criticizes him or says something mean. Why does Nicolas take it always wrong? Actually, there will be further a revelation in the second part. No, Stewart is not a psychopath, a serial killer or something like that. I thought that he has some troubles with some people and that Nicolas would be involved in a certain way. For example, Nicolas could be, despite himself, a witness to the kidnapping of Candy.

I just like when there is this Shakespearian inevitably. So, Nicolas has to team up with the last guy he likes on Earth. I hope this beat will feel natural. Of course, we will know more specifically about Stewart's betrayal. The story seems dark. I want it to be serious, but also funny. As you suggested, maybe a good idea would delete the third scene. Nicolas is supposed next to starting taking willingly tennis lessons. The father is supposed to play an important role in the next of the story. This the reason why I introduce him.

How can I make the third scene better and not useless? Find a conflict? And, I don't know how to emphasize the plotline and Nicolas's paranoia, makes it more dramatic. The story is more like of a psychological battle. It's difficult to put it in words.

You helped me a lot. Thank you again!

Hey, awesome to hear that this helped you!

The Nicholas/Stewart think works really well for me, I could feel that relationship while reading the first scene, even though I didn't know about it! Great!

For me, the first two scenes are pretty mcuh a comedy, maaaaaybe you can feel another (mystery?) element coming through a little bit. Just mentioning this, because it's important to keep the script balanced in all regards - can't start off with it being a comedy, and then halfway through it turns into a thriller! The audience would feel betrayed.

Innuendo/hora/Dean: This is indeed confusing and just throws the viewer off. His brain is more occupied with figuring out what this means than with following your story. So you either have to cut these out or you make them more understandable, that's very important and also not too hard to do. For example, just saying Dean's name and then not mentioning him anymore for 30 pages would be really confusing. Instead, you could drop a hint to who Dean is and then let him appear again a couple of pages later (in dialogue or in person). For example, if Alice says "OMG, and Dean is jealous too - never has he been that jealous since our honeymoon!" (I'm just writing anything here quickly), not only have you introduced Dean a bit and have made clear he is Alice's husband - but you have even just given a little glimpse of his personality, have "put him on the map" in the reader's mind, so to speak.

How you can make the third scene better: Write a better scene (obvious answer, I know...)! But the main question is: Do you really need that scene at all? What does it add? Does it add to plot, to tension, to character, is it really funny or interesting in other ways? If no and you don't find a way to make it that way, then just cut it out.

Like I mentioned in my first post, I think you might really have a plot problem - no "arches" in the plot. Which means, no questions are put up that give a feeling of positive tension to the audience (sure, you bring up some small questions - Dean - but in a confusing way). I see the plot like a flat map, with many little arches on that map, leading from a question (the audience wonders) to an answer. Meanwhile, there are put up many other questions/arches to never let the audience off the hook!

It's funny that my very first article on the blog I just launched is about exactly this: Plot! It says that instead of thinking of the plot as a sequence of actions, you should think of it as a sequence of questions, raised to the audience! And as you spoke of Shakespeare (a second coincidence) - my post is about the techniques Shakespeare employs to create plot in "Macbeth". Check it out, I think this could really help you:

http://www.ridethepen.com/shakespeare-macbeth-plot/

As for the psychological battle, it comes through beautifully in the first scene! Maybe you need Stewart in order to let that side of Nicholas come out more (I don't know what happens in the later scenes, does that work?)? Or maybe you need another (additional) trigger to show the audience about Nicholas' paranoia? Maybe things start reminding him of Stewart, like he sees a pair of Nike sport shoes in a shop and flips out? Have fun with stuff like this!

Rock on!
 
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