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Old 05-15-2017, 12:46 PM   #1
TypingChimp
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Post PSEUDONAMES, a 15 Page Political Satire/RomCom

I've written a short that I hope to film later this year. I appreciate all opinions and suggestions.

A young woman is taken out of her comfort zone for a day to help her make a choice about where her life is going, but first must decide on who she wants to be.

Here's a link to the script.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B72...ew?usp=sharing

I'd love to hear what you think
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Old 05-18-2017, 12:18 AM   #2
ljgrohn
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Nice job!

I liked the dialog a lot. It really show cased the personality of the characters well.

A couple things that felt a little off were:

1- The readiness of the boyfriend to give up. He went from ready to physically fight for her (granted men can sometimes be this way for no reason) to don't show up to the party really quickly. It was jarring.

2- I cannot imagine two guys who don't know each other likely trading wrestling and slaps. Poking with the ballon, sure, but that felt a little implausible. Maybe show the escalation and when Liz steps in she could ask Jerry to step back a bit.

I really liked it and hope you do get to film it
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Old 05-18-2017, 06:47 AM   #3
TypingChimp
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Eyy! Thank you The dialogue is probaly what I've changed most over the last couple drafts; good to know it paid off!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ljgrohn View Post
The readiness of the boyfriend to give up.
You're not the first to say that :/ but I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to keep the script as short as possible, and the stroy isn't about the boyfriend. What if I include a line in the first page or so about him generally being quite quick to give up on things. D'ya reckon that would help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ljgrohn View Post
I cannot imagine two guys who don't know each other likely trading wrestling and slaps.
I see what you mean. I might tone that down. Was hoping it would come across as more slapstick-y. Like Monty Python type fighting y'know?
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