Home

Go Back   IndieTalk - Indie Film Forum > Making The Film > Screenwriting

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-07-2018, 09:19 AM   #1
UneducatedFan
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 280
Feedback on first 10 pages please.

I have much respect for those who have been around (and run) this forum.

With that in mind, I and my writing partner have completed a tentpole sci-fi western feature. It's still somewhat "rough" as far needing a good trim and polish, etc. but I would love to get any and all feedback and criticism of the first 10 pages if possible.

Logline: On a planet at the edges of the explored universe known as the 'Shadowlands', the murder of a small mining town’s lawman sets in motion galactic events that threaten the existence of the town. With the arrival of the lawman’s estranged daughter and a mysterious visitor, the townsfolk attempt to push back against the forces that seek to destroy them.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=184...pCLToJHYUU0HOD

Last edited by UneducatedFan; 05-07-2018 at 09:59 AM.
UneducatedFan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today   #1A
film guy
Basic Member
 
Posts: 17

 
Old 05-07-2018, 11:17 PM   #2
sathvikm
Basic Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: India
Posts: 12
Its really good but having only one armed officer in an entire town with a ,for the lack of a better word, use less tin man is a bit far fetched according to me

Last edited by sathvikm; 05-07-2018 at 11:44 PM.
sathvikm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-08-2018, 10:35 AM   #3
UneducatedFan
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 280
Thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sathvikm View Post
Its really good but having only one armed officer in an entire town with a ,for the lack of a better word, use less tin man is a bit far fetched according to me
Thanks for the feedback. I probably need to make it clearer that the town is a "has been" mining town. One step away from being a ghost town so one lawman is almost one more than needed.

Also I do need to clarify better that Tinman isn't a deputy or law enforcer. He's literally a maintenance/repair droid. He's just being called on to "bluff" at being backup. Also he has a greater role to play and the events and what happens to him come full circle at the end of the script.

So I do need to clarify the "bluff" Tinman is being put in a position to play at least earlier before the confrontation.

Thanks very much for the feedback.
UneducatedFan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-19-2018, 11:24 AM   #4
UneducatedFan
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 280
Sorry to bump this but I went and re-wrote the first 10 based on the suggestions above and many others.

If you would like to read the new 10 and give any feeback, it would all be greatly appreciated.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1kZ...ouSb3OSDw_b2VT

Thanks in advance!
UneducatedFan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-19-2018, 06:25 PM   #5
TheZoller
Premiere Member
 
TheZoller's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 6
Well I haven't been around the forum long but if you want I'll give it a read and give you any thoughts. ?
__________________
Instagram - @thezoller

Get out and shoot. Go in and edit.
TheZoller is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-19-2018, 06:36 PM   #6
UneducatedFan
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 280
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheZoller View Post
Well I haven't been around the forum long but if you want I'll give it a read and give you any thoughts. ?
That'd be great and I'd really appreciate it. I have really thick skin so feel free to be brutally honest if it merits it.

I'm in the middle of rewriting the other 128 pages (was at 140, is down to 138 after rewriting those first 10) and hope to at least get it below 120 if not around 100-110.
UneducatedFan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-08-2018, 05:37 PM   #7
Spawnkill69
Basic Member
 
Spawnkill69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Malibu
Posts: 14
How much are you looking for it?
Spawnkill69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2018, 07:46 PM   #8
joey1320
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 262
I like this a lot. I can't help on the script writing but I do like the story itself. The futuristic mixed in with the old Western makes it interesting.

Good work
joey1320 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2018, 06:08 PM   #9
Adeimantus
Basic - Premiere Expired
 
Adeimantus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 915
Hey, UneducatedFan

I liked this -- it was fun. A bit hokey, but fun.

A few small things.

Your villain, Varok, starts off using the most god-awful stereotypical backwoods accent and vocabulary, which would be kind of fun if you maintained it. But after a few dialogue blocks, you drop it for the most part. Small snippets of it appear here and there (e.g., "What in the Sam Hill is going on?"). I'd suggest either go with it and commit to it (even if tongue-in-cheek), or drop it as an affectation.

Not a biggie, but generally, O.S. is used for screenplays and O.C. is used for teleplays. Is this a teleplay?

Your use of parentheticals to indicate pauses in characters' dialogue, or camera directions in general, causes a small bump for this reader. Is this a spec script?

Overall, it's a fun read. Keep at it!

-C
Adeimantus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2018, 06:51 PM   #10
UneducatedFan
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 280
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adeimantus View Post
Hey, UneducatedFan

I liked this -- it was fun. A bit hokey, but fun.

A few small things.

Your villain, Varok, starts off using the most god-awful stereotypical backwoods accent and vocabulary, which would be kind of fun if you maintained it. But after a few dialogue blocks, you drop it for the most part. Small snippets of it appear here and there (e.g., "What in the Sam Hill is going on?"). I'd suggest either go with it and commit to it (even if tongue-in-cheek), or drop it as an affectation.

Not a biggie, but generally, O.S. is used for screenplays and O.C. is used for teleplays. Is this a teleplay?

Your use of parentheticals to indicate pauses in characters' dialogue, or camera directions in general, causes a small bump for this reader. Is this a spec script?

Overall, it's a fun read. Keep at it!

-C
Thanks so much! You are right on.

Now to get to fixing it.
UneducatedFan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-17-2018, 03:43 AM   #11
Adeimantus
Basic - Premiere Expired
 
Adeimantus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 915
My pleasure!

Remember, it's relatively easy to write a strong scene or two. What's damn hard is writing 60 or 70 of them and putting them together into a dramatic whole that works smoothly to tell a satisfying and enjoyable story. That's the real challenge!

Best of luck with it!
Adeimantus is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:18 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


©IndieTalk