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Looking for advice on my 3rd rewrite. It's long so ya know

This is only the second screenplay I've attempted to write. The first one is even longer. Just looking for osme advice on how my format looks, how the characters sound and if it comes out clearly. Actually, any and all advice. I've been trying to write it in a way icould film it myself but I actually don't want to film it myself. I really wish someone else would film it. That job seems daunting and with Kids & a job it's just intimdating. However, I really want this script to be the best it can be for my level of experience, which is next to zero. basically, I want to know if this looks and feels like a real screenplay or ateast a real script in it's infancy. Its a little over 40 pages.

If you make it through the whole thing awesome, if you don't I get it. Any feedback is super appreciated. I love reading other peoples stuff too it's mutually helpful. I learn something and I can give notes potentially helping someone else. Thanks.



https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9wpz6r-vXucdmZYdUZibE5rd0RwLWlQbGdjQ2dBT2diS18w/view?usp=sharing
 
I only read the first 5 pages but a few things jumped out at me:
1. Actions generally should not be included parenthetically within dialogue segments. An example of that is "reading through mail" on the first page.
2. Page 2: the voice mail is WAY too long and will make for a very (visually) boring scene. Could he perhaps call to make an appointment to discuss the patient? That way it's dialogue instead of monologue.
3. Page 3 - what is a look of paranoia? An actor can portray fear or confusion, but I'm not sure it's possible to show paranoia.
4. Put CANDICE in all caps when she first appears, and give us a brief description of her.
5. You don't need "cut to"
6. Give a brief description of the locations like Candice's bedroom, the coffee shop, etc.

I hope that helps.
 
I've defintely been thinking about that Voicemail. Not only ar eyou right about the paing but I've seen afew things since i wrote this that mleads me to believe a Dr would never give that kind of information over a voicemail with confirming with the patient (a release of information document) and confirming witht he other Dr. So i most certainly agree there.

The rest is defintely format type stuff that i really need to know and I appreciate. Thank you.
 
Format: get rid of CUT TO:. I have not seen the way you use parantheticals
before. Is there a reason you write some character action in the parenthetical?
How do you make the decision what goes in the action lines and what goes in
the parenthetical?

I agree - that long voice mail is a boring way to start a movie. It almost forces
me to skip it. I didn't. It's so “on-the-nose” it is painful. And it's nothing one
doctor would say to another on a voice mail. So right away you pull me from
the story.

One “rule” of screen writing is “show, don't tell”:
“Craig appears interested in Candice.” and “Craig is obviously interested in Candice.”
What does he do to show interest? How is it obvious? What changes between,
he appears interested and he is obviously interested.?

I stopped reading at page 10. I understand that can be considered unfair – you
want to know what we think of your story and characters – but your unusual
format made this an unpleasant read. To me it's like someone asking me to
watch their movie but it's out of focus. I can't really notice much else.

It seems you have a good premise here. I'd be willing to read further if you fix
this odd format.
 
Glad to help.

Is there a reason you write some character action in the parenthetical?
How do you make the decision what goes in the action lines and what
goes in the parenthetical?
 
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