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Six Page shooting script, feedback would be helpful.

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There are one or two moments that could be entertaining, but overall, it doesn't really go anywhere and didn't do anything for me.

I guess the questions that come to my mind are; why should I care about this girl, and is there a compelling reason to tell this story, or is it going to waste the viewers time?
 
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Will Vincent said:
There are one or two moments that could be entertaining, but overall, it doesn't really go anywhere and didn't do anything for me.

I guess the questions that come to my mind are; why should I care about this girl, and is there a compelling reason to tell this story, or is it going to waste the viewers time?
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1. Thanks for the feedback, it was only the first draft but I will try and find a reason why to like the girl (Maybe make her really nice, syhmphatetic, maybe a another story from her life? I'll see). But that is a good question and I will try and answer it for you in my later draft.

2. You made me think now having a different ending. Something uplifiting probably or poignant. The reason why I wrote it was because I did have a terrible stammer when I was young and I'm only trying to convey the images of what I remember when I had this stammer. Maybe now I should think more of the emotions I felt and convey it onto her instead of that ending where she rips out the page. I don't know but I'll think about it. The King's Speech was an uplifiting feature film about a man with a stutter and I felt for him so I was trying to do something a little authobiographical but in a fictional way (if you understand what I mean) but I will do something different, thank you very much.
 
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amp said:
The reason why I wrote it was because I did have a terrible stammer when I was young and I'm only trying to convey the images of what I remember when I had this stammer.
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Now we're getting to the meat of it. So us THAT. Not some random character scribbling in a journal with a voiceover and a hodge podge of shots.

Show me a scene or two of this kid struggling because of the stammer. But more importantly than that give us a reason to watch.

Maybe the kid wants to go to a school dance, but can't get a date because they're afraid whomever they try to ask will just laugh at their stammer.

Watch how much more interesting these are than just a bunch of voiceover:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IP8psM4LWXk

Or, an even stronger story told in 1/3rd the time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLq_Vp5z9D4


Try watching both with the sound off, you'll still completely understand the story being told in each.

Audio is absolutely a huge part of the experience, at least half... but without a solid story to tell in the first place, it's all wasted effort :)
 
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Why do you cut from a low angle to a high angle in the beginning? I agree with the point that Will Vincent brought up, but this one thing kind of bothered me. Generally you want to chose one or the other, high to make them seem small and low to make them seem big. There was one thing I was in a movie once where the didn't but instead went from high to low mise-en-scene to show the character becoming empowered. This is a bit nitpicky but you should probably just stick with a high-angle because you want to show character development and you can close with low. That way, you can open in the opposite of your close.
 
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dahwws said:
This is a bit nitpicky but you should probably just stick with a high-angle because you want to show character development and you can close with low. That way, you can open in the opposite of your close.
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That's a good point.

But in this case, the camera angles are the least of the problems. The real problem is there's just no story there. No amount of snazzy footage, vfx, camerawork, etc will fix the fact that there's no story...

Although, some of the recent Hollywood drivvel makes that a much harder to understand point. :lol:
 
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You need to include two things:
-"Save the Cat" or do something to make the audience like and connect with Mindy
-Add something other than voiceover. If you insist on doing VO, then I reccomend you take advice from one of my personal favorite short films, Albert Gonzalez's The Desk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_kIyihNd-A
It's mostly without dialoge but conveys the story incredible well and has many layers.
 
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Thank you all for your help and feedback. I am going to write a second draft now and going to change a lot of the things in it. Thank you all again, you're making me think more about my script. I will write another different draft after that and compare them all and then pick the best one I like and do my rewrites on that one.
 
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